


Take Me By The Hand

by amczingphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Death, Getting Together, Hospitals, Illnesses, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Munchausen by proxy, No Character Death, Scid, Tags Contain Spoilers, based on Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon, severe combined immunodeficiency
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2018-12-03 03:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 58,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11523855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amczingphil/pseuds/amczingphil
Summary: *third for best AO3 fic Phanfic Awards 2017*Dan suffers from a severe genetic disorder that has forced him to spend his entire life indoors, going outside is too dangerous for him as he has no immune system and catching any illness can result in his death.He was as content as he could be given his situation, he would fill his time watching his neighbours and creating elaborate stories about their lives in his head, until Phil Lester moved in across the street.Now Dan can't stop thinking about the man with the plants and suddenly his 'normal' life isn't as satisfying as it had once been.





	1. a guy and his plants

**Author's Note:**

> **this phanfic is based on the novel everything everything by nicola yoon** 
> 
> i have a love-hate relationship with this novel, when i first read it i adored it, but then i started to see everything that was wrong and problematic about it, also there is a very serious condition that is glanced over at the end. 
> 
> i'm writing this fic to hopefully accurately portray the conditions that are in the book and bring awareness to the mental health condition that was totally left without proper discussion. 
> 
> i've spent a long time researching SCID and i am going to try and stay as accurate as possible, there is a statement in this first chapter about dan _not_ seeing specialists, this is intentional and the reason will be revealed as the story progresses.

Everything was normal before the new guy moved into the house across the road from Dan.

He woke up at lunchtime as he usually did and checked his blood pressure, temperature, heart rate and oxygen saturations like he did every single day. His mother was at work so he made his own breakfast and lounged lazily on his bed as he ate, she hated it when he ate in his room but she wasn’t there to judge him today so he was able to do it without being lectured. When Dan was younger he had a nurse, who would come in to check his vitals and make him something to eat and keep him company during his mother’s work hours, but now that he was twenty-one it was decided that he was mature enough to take responsibility.

It hadn’t been easy to convince his mother, she was a doctor and knew about the dangers of Dan’s condition all too well, but as he had told her, what would be would be, he was old enough to take care of his own health and smart enough to decide when his health was at serious risk. He missed his old nurse though, she had been a plump woman with kind eyes and a plethora of stories to tell. Whenever Dan was feeling down she would instantly make him a cup of tea and tell him about the time her daughter decided she wanted to be buzz lightyear and how she wore the costume every single day without fail, for an entire month. Or how her son had suddenly decided eyebrows were ugly and had shaved his off, needless to say he had immediately regretted that decision.

So, deciding that it was time for Dan to look after himself, even with his mother’s input, it was a difficult move to make. For Dan, his nurse had been the only person, other than his mother and various doctors that he had seen when he was much younger, that he got to talk to. She had promised to stay in touch but Dan had ended up never hearing anything more from her. He missed her.

His life had turned into a boring pattern of waking up, checking his vitals, forcing himself into the shower and staring out of the window at a world that was so close to him and yet utterly unattainable. It was like showing a dog a bone and telling them that they couldn’t have it. All Dan wanted was to step outside and smell the fresh air, but that was impossible, he would have to make do with the filtered, temperature regulated air that was being pumped around the house. The safe air; the air that wouldn’t kill him.

Dan was allergic to everything, actually that wasn’t the right term to use at all as usually an allergic reaction was brought about by an increased immune response caused by exposure to an allergen but in Dan’s case he had no white blood cells, he didn’t have an immune system to create the mass response. The tiniest little bacteria that even a baby could fight off would have a field day in Dan’s body, replicating itself unprohibited and taking over entirely.

He had a condition called Severe Combined Immunodeficiency, or SCID, it was a genetic mutation that meant the white blood cells in a person’s body were either damaged or non-existent. It hadn’t bothered him at all when he was younger, he had thought that a genetic mutation had sounded cool and for a long time he pretended that he was a new member of the x-men. He had waited by the window to be taken away to learn how to control his new superpowers.

Unfortunately, that never happened and Dan grew out of the childlike innocence that had once given him some optimism about his condition. He was older and now knew the truth, he was going to die in the house that he had spent his entire life in. It was a hard fact to swallow and the first time Dan had asked his mother if it was true she had cried, but Dan knew it was going to happen. He considered himself lucky to have made it to the age that he had.

Dan used to find it interesting to look up SCID on his laptop and learn about it, there were even a few chat rooms where he could talk to people that were going through the same thing as him, many of them lived in hospitals as they were slightly less well-off and couldn’t afford to make the appropriate renovations so that their homes were safe to live in. Dan hadn’t spoken to them for long though as it had upset his mother too much. She had spent the week after he told her that he was making friends crying and talking about how she was losing him and she wished that he wouldn’t look at all that stuff because it would just worry him unnecessarily.

So he stopped looking, he knew most of what there was to know about his condition, he didn’t need to talk to other people about it if it was going to make his mother upset. She was right, it would just worry him and make him think about all the things that he may possibly end up going through. He was safe in his house, he didn’t need to worry about the things that were happening outside.

Or at least that’s what he tried to tell himself for her sake.

In reality Dan would spend hours gazing out of his window at the world around him. He knew everything that was going on in the street and everyone’s routines. So when he gazed out of his window that morning and saw the large moving van parked in front of the house opposite them his heart started to race.

Someone new as moving in.

It was sad that that was a source of excitement for him, the fact that a new person was moving onto his street, but when you had nothing to do, it was potentially the best news. Dan would have liked his neighbours to change every few months so that he could have new people to watch and get to know.

Was it creepy to know his neighbours’ schedules? Probably, but it wasn’t like he could stalk them or anything, he was confined to the house.

There was two burly men who were unpacking boxes from the van, they were the moving guys Dan decided judging by their uniforms. Besides them, there was one other man. He was tall, it was hard to judge from the distance but Dan reckoned that he was maybe as tall as himself. He looked surprisingly good for an adult who was sporting an emo fringe that looked like it had gone out of fashion ten years ago.

He didn’t look young, but he didn’t really look old either, Dan decided that he must have been around his own age. It was strange to see a guy his age straightening his hair, but it suited him. Dan had long since given up on making any effort with his own hair as there was really nobody to impress, he let the curls live and that was that.

He supposed that that was one bonus of his condition, if there were any, he could do whatever he wanted with his appearance and the only one who could judge him was himself, he didn’t have to go through the bullying of high school or change himself in any way to fit in. He could be unashamedly himself and there were no repercussions, which was a good thing as he did go through a myspace phase when he was younger and he had had the worst haircut known to man.

The new guy could pull it off though, and Dan admired that.

Dan wondered what it would be like to move to a new house, it was never going to happen for him but he wondered whether it was exciting. Did people perceive it to be an adventure? Or did they miss their old home? He supposed that it depended entirely on the circumstances leading up to their move. He liked to think that the guy across the road was starting a new adventure in his life. He was smiling and chatting happily to the moving guys so Dan figured that it wasn’t a sad move for him. If he cracked the window open a little bit then he would be able to hear what they were saying but there was no chance of him being able to do that, he wasn’t allowed to let the unfiltered air from outside in.

Living your life indoors was something that was impossible to imagine unless it was reality for you. Dan found it normal to live inside, he knew that it was the safest thing for him but there was always the temptation of the outdoors.

The only bits of the world that Dan had seen was that of the world on the TV, it was torturous and he didn’t watch it that often purely because it made him feel depressed that he would never be able to experience life like the people from his favourite shows.

He would still live his own life to the fullest though, there was nothing stopping him from being a productive member of society from his own bedroom. He could get a job which allowed him to work from home, something online possibly, there was a lot of opportunities out there.

He had done all his school work from home and even sat his exams from the comfort of his house with an external examiner coming to watch him and make sure that he didn’t cheat, the examiner was notably concerned when he had to undergo the decontamination process and he kept his distance from Dan as though he was afraid of catching something. That had frustrated Dan because he was the one who should have been concerned about catching something from the examiner, who knew what diseases he was carrying, despite the rigorous process of decontamination there was always a small chance that something would slip through. What if he had lied about not having a respiratory illness? Then he could have breathed on Dan and spread an illness that could result in his death.

It was hard to be treated as an outcast from society, that’s essentially what he was, he was trapped in his house unable to go out and talk to people, he couldn’t even order something online without it having to be decontaminated and specially packed before being delivered and even then his mum would open it and hand it to him so that he didn’t have to touch the packaging that the postman had touched.

It was a hard life but Dan was one of the luckier ones in a sense. As his mother was a doctor who specialised in his exact disease, he wasn’t forced to make risky trips to the hospital to see specialists, his mother was the one to oversee all aspects of his care. She had decided to specialise when she had learnt about his illness and Dan was touched that she had redesigned her career around him.

He wasn’t forced to make his way into a plastic bubble of filtered air for the journeys. He didn’t have to suffer through the stares from the people who didn’t understand his condition or the fact that if he didn’t have that bubble he would die. He didn’t have to experience the confused stares or the pitying glances. Honestly, he wasn’t sure which one was worse? Was it worse to have people make fun of him for something they didn’t understand or have the sorrowful glances from people who seemed to think he was on his deathbed.

It was frustrating, everything in Dan’s life had lead him to believe that life wasn’t worth living unless there was some great adventure going on. He had read all the books, the ones about people like him who had some sort of medical condition that caused them to be different from everyone else. It was fine at first, the representation was something that he appreciated, it was bringing awareness to the fact that there were young people out there who were suffering through something that not everyone would be able to relate to, something that many people didn’t even know existed. Where Dan saw problems was when authors changed the ending of their story so that the ‘ill person’ went on some huge adventure that was entirely improbable, just to further the plot or for the sake of a dramatic love story, or they were miraculously cured.

Those were the worst, in his opinion.

Miraculous cures didn’t exist, nobody suddenly woke up one morning and was free from the illness that had restricted them so much throughout their life. It just wasn’t realistic, and what was even worse was that it portrayed the idea that people with illnesses or disabilities where somehow lesser and that they were only truly living their life once they were ‘cured’. What sort of message was that?

What did it mean for Dan? He was doomed to live in his sterile environment for the rest of his life, so did that mean that his life wasn’t worth living? Did it mean that he wasn’t as human as someone who was able to take a day trip to the Bahamas or fly half way across the world to tell the girl of their dreams that they loved them? Most young adult fiction writers would have him believing that if he was a little younger and less mature.

Maybe if he had been younger he would have tried to run outside the house, just to enjoy himself for a little while, because the novels that surrounded him were telling him that that sort of behaviour was normal and signified a fuller life.

That was another problem.

Why did he have to risk his life for it to be meaningful? Why was almost dying something that had to be done in order to make his life worth more? He had another name for that, it was called suicidal tendencies and there was nothing romantic or exciting about it.

He was terrified of leaving the house.

Leaving the house in his current condition was the last thing he wanted to do, he wasn’t ready to die, and he knew that it would be painful. It would be an infection that would kill him, he wouldn’t just walk outside and drop-down dead all of a sudden, that wasn’t how his life-long condition worked. It was complicated and messy and it would end up with him lying in his bed with his mother worriedly trying to do everything that she could to prevent him from dying, the chances were that she would be unsuccessful.

Normally if someone with SCID caught an infection then they would be hospitalised. They would get a negative pressure room, one that sucked all the bugs out and filtered in clean air, and they would be carefully monitored and treated with intravenous antibiotics, antifungals and antivirals as the medical staff valiantly attempted to save their life. Not Dan. His mother had told him horror stories about the bugs that lurked in hospitals and the places they would hide. He never wanted to step foot in a hospital, so it was comforting that his mother had agreed with his request to be treated at home.

Dan was too relieved to even question how she had managed to pull that one.

Despite the relief, it didn’t change the fact that he dreamed of a day when it would be safe for him to go outside, he was lonely, and that was a strange thing to say for someone who preferred their own company to that of other people.

So as Dan watched the man across the road carefully carry a little plant out of the back of the moving van, his hand curled protectively around its thin leaves to shield it from the wind, he wondered what it was like to have plants. Dan wasn’t allowed any as they provided the perfect environment for bacteria to hide, and it had never bothered him, but as the giant of a man carried the delicate plant as though it was made of china he found himself intrigued, both by the person and his plant.

What was the guy like? What sorts of things was he interested in? what did he hate? Did he have any little pet peeves? Why did he treat his plants better than Dan treated himself?

He had so many questions, questions that he was dying to hear the answers to but realistically he knew that it would probably never happen.

It wasn’t all bad though, Dan could create a character in his mind to satisfy his curiousity. Maybe the guy was an undercover agent moving in to survey the area so that he could build a case against Dan’s neighbour Mr Robinson who was so creepy that Dan was sure that he was a secret murderer, but that was another story entirely. Maybe he was in the witness protection programme and was forced to move into that house under an alias to protect him from the drug dealers that he had sold out. That would be an exciting twist, maybe Dan would get to see some action if they somehow managed to track him down.

Or he could have been a secret wizard who sucked the life out of plants in order to extend his own life, maybe he was a thousand years old but he looked younger because he was feeding his life force off the Earth’s. Maybe that one was a little farfetched, but honestly it was the most interesting one in Dan’s mind. What if the wizard was able to teach Dan his tricks? Dan could feed his own life force thus resulting in a healthier body that wouldn’t kill him if he went outside, would it work like that? Maybe, maybe not, it was his fantasy so in the end whatever he decided was law.

No that was a dangerous line of wishful thinking and it was going along the line of having to change himself in order to be happy.

He could be happy as he was.

In that moment he was happy, he was happy thinking about all the possible backstories for the man who had no name, and he was favouring the wizard one, even though it was entirely impossible and there was less than a zero percent chance that the guy was really a bizarre magical being, it was interesting to Dan.

He was already creating a personality in his mind for the guy.

His nurse used to tell him off for doing such things, she would tell him that it was a dangerous line of thought to follow because the more he tried to imagine a personality and life for a stranger then the more he would actually want to speak to them and learn about them.

She encouraged him to stop. She said that if he wanted to let his imagination run wild then he should just write a book, but that was easier said than done. Dan had given it an honest attempt but there was the problem that he didn’t know enough about the world to make a book even slightly realistic.

_“Make it up, Daniel, isn’t that what you’re doing anyway when you watch your neighbours?”_

It had been what he was doing but that was different, that was curiosity about someone who was real and breathing. It wasn’t creating a new person in his mind.   

As Dan stared at the mysterious dark-haired man and pondered again why he had moved there and who he was, he found himself feeling desperate for the truth, he knew that he wasn’t going to give up until he knew everything there was to know about the guy.

So when the man, still cradling his plant, glanced up towards Dan’s window and seemingly straight at Dan, he let out an inhuman squeak and ducked down so fast that he banged his chin on the window sill and bit his bottom lip.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself as he tasted blood. He wasn’t cursing the fact that he’d hurt himself though, no, he was annoyed that it was only day one and he’d already been spotted. It was going to make learning about the guy a lot more difficult.


	2. plant murderer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my wonderful beta @snowbunnylester!! ilysm elizajane <3

The man was really bad at looking after plants.

Dan had managed to learn that fact very quickly after watching as the delicate little plant, that had been so caringly protected from the wind, was placed on what Dan assumed was the man’s bedroom windowsill and left there to wither and die. Dan had given him the benefit of the doubt though. Maybe the wind had hurt the little plant and it just hadn’t been able to bounce back.

If Dan wasn’t as mature as he liked to believe himself to be, then he might have actually thought that the man in the house opposite was really a secret wizard. The rate at which he went through plants was unparalleled, and when Dan was seven year old he would have been tugging on his nurse’s uniform and insisting that the man across the road was a wizard who was using his plants to extend his life. As it was, Dan was just aware that the man either had the worst luck in the world, or he was a plant murderer.

Dan had watched in fascination as the delicate, leafy plant was replaced by a tiny cactus. He hadn’t been that suspicious about that; he reckoned that cacti were fairly easy to keep alive as they didn’t really require that much water, did they? Somehow, the guy still managed to kill it. Dan watched as the little plant seemed to collapse in on itself, and then suddenly, the next day it was gone and there was a tall plant filling almost the entire window instead. It seemed like a sturdy thing, and Dan was hoping that it would survive longer than a week.

Ever since the man had moved in across the road, Dan’s life had become minutely more exciting,. Instead of waking up and preparing himself for another day of monotony after checking his health, he would wake up and check his vitals before wandering over to the window to see how the guy’s plants were doing. He was always sad to see the slight droop in the plants’ leaves. Was there a hotline that he could call to report plant abuse? If so, then Dan seriously needed to consider calling it. He wasn’t sure how many plants the guy actually had dotted around his home, but if they were as unlucky as the ones that made it to the bedroom window then they needed help. 

Dan found himself watching the guy more and more as the weeks went on - not in a creepy way. He was just trying to figure out who he was and why he had moved into that particular house. It seemed impossible to determine anything as Dan  couldn’t find out anything concrete about the guy. He seemed pretty quiet and hadn’t annoyed anyone in their little cul de sac which was an amazing feat in itself. Dan remembered the time there was neighbourhood drama because someone had built a fence which meant their neighbour’s garden didn’t receive enough sun. That had amused Dan quite a bit. They lived in England, how much sun did they really expect?

Normally, Dan found out pretty much all of his information through his neighbours complaining, namely Mr Robinson, the questionable potential murderer (his serial killer qualities really were uncanny) who liked to complain loudly as though he thought the police were lurking around the corner just waiting to arrest the old lady on the corner because her cat had peed in his vegetable patch again.  Despite the airtight seal on Dan’s windows to prevent anything getting through and harming him, it was surprisingly easy to hear what people were saying outside, so whenever he heard that booming voice complaining about nothing of huge importance, it was hard to miss. Dan was just impressed that the new guy had somehow managed to avoid pissing off Mr Robinson. Maybe they had a little pact. Mr Robinson was a serial killer, the new guy was a plant murderer, it would make sense for them to be in cahoots with each other.

For someone who spent their entire life indoors, Dan knew an awful lot about what was happening in the houses on his street. He knew who lived in each one, what they did for a living, and whether there was any family drama in their lives. So it was a bit suspicious that this new guy had moved in and managed to live there for a few weeks, and Dan didn’t even know his name. He knew literally nothing about him.

How was it that nobody at all was talking about the plant murderer across the road?

Dan had brought it up with his mother one night at dinner, she’d been off work for once and they had made a point of sitting down together for a nice meal. They had chatted about nothing, mostly inconsequential topics that neither of them cared about and would probably forget the next day, but it filled the silence.

It was getting harder for Dan to find things to talk about with his mother. He was no longer the immature child that would excitedly blab about how he’d made a finger painting with his nurse, although to be fair he had only ever mentioned that one once. In reaction, his mother had immediately grabbed his hands and peered at them carefully before pulling him over to the sink to scrub them clean. He remembered crying and telling her that it was fine, that his nurse had specially ordered the paints and made sure that they were completely sterile.

It hadn’t mattered. She didn’t believe him, and had told him he was lucky that the only effect from the paints had been a slight redness and rawness to his hands. Dan had been understandably upset at the time, and was even more distraught when he found out that his mother had fired his old nurse. The next one was lovely and sweet, but he had missed the first one with her warm hugs and reassurances that everything would work out in the end.

After that, Dan had been more reluctant to tell his mum anything about his day. He would just shrug and say that he’d been reading or playing on the computer, nothing interesting. Eventually, she gave up asking, and he never offered to tell her anything.  It was hard. The older he got, the less he felt he could share with her.

He loved his mother, he would never say that he didn’t, it was just that she was insanely overprotective to the point where sometimes he wondered whether he was the one with the condition or she was. She had changed her entire life around his illness, and sometimes Dan wished that she would do more than work and look after him. He felt guilty for consuming so much of her life.

So when Dan initiated conversation that evening over dinner about the newest guy on the street, he had been concerned that she would get suspicious and think that he was up to something. He had spent so long trying to avoid talking about the outside world that he knew the conversation would pique her curiosity.

It hadn’t.

She had simply shrugged and told him that she hadn’t even realised that the old occupant had even moved out. 

Dan was at a loss, he had no idea how to find out anything about the new guy. He was beginning to wonder if there was even a guy living across the road. What if he had snapped and there was no one actually living there?M aybe he had hallucinated the entire thing. The only thing he could do was escape from his house and try and break into the guy's place just to see if there was anything indicative of who he was as a person, or signs that he was actually a real human.

Of course, that was a stupid idea and would never actually happen, but it was amazingly fun to play out the scenario in his mind. Dan liked to think that as he tried to escape, he would wear all black and maybe do a few snazzy flips. It would be a full on ninja escape.

It just so happened that the full on ninja escape ended up being unnecessary, and Dan’s sanity was safe, as he spoke to the guy a few days later.

Dan had woken up to an empty house that morning; his mother was working all day, so he was free to do nothing. He had promised that he was going to look at potential career options, but after waking up and considering it, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to even think about that just then. Instead, he grabbed a bowl of dry cereal and sprawled out on his back, feet hanging over the arm as he shoved his breakfast down his throat. A morbid thought of him choking to death crossed his mind, and he wondered what people would say if he actually died that way. No one would have expected it, not with his illness being what it was. 

A knock on the door pulled him out of his morbid thoughts - not that it really mattered, because there was no chance of him answering the door. Dan tossed a bit of cereal up up in the air, hoping to catch it in his mouth. It hit him in the eye. 

There was another knock, slightly louder and more insistent as though it were verbally demanding that Dan remove himself from the sofa to answer it. Was there any point? Why should he make an effort to stand up when there was nothing that he could actually do? He would never be able to actually answer it. 

Dan wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he was sure that it was too long for the person to still be knocking, which meant that, one, they knew that Dan was inside and were waiting for him to answer the door or, two, there was an emergency and the person was desperate. Those theories were stupid because anyone who knew that Dan was inside would have to also know that he wouldn’t be able to answer the door, and if there was an emergency then surely that person would have given up and tried knocking on someone else’s door when there was no answer. 

It was with great reluctance that Dan finally heaved himself off the sofa after a third knock. It seemed that whoever was at the door wasn’t going to give up. 

“I really should workout,” he muttered to himself after thinking about the almost obscene grunting noises that he had made when trying to actually get up. 

He wandered over to the window and peeled back the curtains, letting the sunlight pour into the room and momentarily blinding him, he waited until his vision had adjusted, but once it had, he froze. 

It was the guy. The plant murderer was at his door. Dan wasn’t sure what to do. Of course the guy wouldn’t know that Dan had a condition that literally meant he was unable to answer the door, but that didn’t explain why he was still here. Most people would have given up and gone home when the door wasn’t answered. So why hadn’t this person? 

The movement of the curtains must have caught his attention, because the stranger’s head whipped round to look. Dan cursed under his breath as the guy waved and pointed to the door. Dan shook his head. Hopefully, that was enough to get the message across that he wasn’t going to answer the door. 

It wasn’t. 

The guy lazily jogged across to the window and enthusiastically pointed at a parcel in his hand, and then towards Dan and back at the door. 

“I can hear you if you speak.” Dan said, raising his voice slightly to allow the sound of it to travel through the thin glass. 

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise,” the guy practically shouted. 

It was endearingly amusing and reminded Dan of an elderly person shouting down the phone because they didn’t believe that the person on the other end would actually manage to hear whatever was being said if they spoke at a normal volume. 

“Are you alright?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, it’s just that your post came to my house so I brought it across for you.” The guy said. 

“Oh right, thanks. Can you just pop it through the letterbox?” Dan requested. 

“It’s too big, that’s why I had to knock.” Phil said as he waved the parcel in the air again, as if that would clear up Dan’s confusion. 

“Oh, uh, ok.”

“Well, are you going to come and get it?” the guy asked, arching an eyebrow and obviously considering whether or not Dan was a little bit dense. 

“No, sorry.” Dan said with a slight apologetic lift of his shoulders. 

“No?” the guy repeated, saying the word carefully as though he wasn’t sure what the meaning of it was. 

“I’m not opening the door, sorry.” Dan said. 

“What do you want me to do with this then?” he asked waving the parcel in the air again. Dan was really beginning to hope that whatever was in the parcel wasn’t fragile. 

“Would you leave it behind that bush?” Dan asked as he pointed to one of the bushes that grew on either side of the steps up to his front door. Bushes that were alive and thriving, he might add. So maybe it wasn’t such a great idea for the guy to leave the parcel behind it. Maybe he would end up killing his bush.

If the bush started wilting and dying then Dan was going to blame the guy, and it would confirm his belief that he was a secret plant murderer. It would just be a shame that the plant was going to have to risk its life for the confirmation of Dan’s theory. 

How did the stranger do it though? Did he carry little sachets of poison around in his pockets in case the chance to kill a plant popped up? Or maybe he just had an aura that was poisonous to plants. Dan wasn’t sure, but he was going to figure it out. 

“You don’t want me to just give it to you?” the guy asked, his eyebrows melding together in a confused from. “It doesn’t really seem safe to leave it behind the bush.” 

“It’ll be fine, don’t worry. My mum will grab it when she gets home, she does it all the time.” Dan explained with a nonchalant shrug. 

“I don’t bite, you know,” the guy said, raising his hands slightly as though trying to convey his genuineness. It was just a shame that it didn’t matter how nice he was, Dan wasn’t going to be opening the door. He couldn’t risk catching something and possibly dying just because he didn’t want the stranger at the window to feel bad.

“I’d hope not,” Dan replied without moving from his spot. 

“You’re not going to come to the door, are you?” the guy asked. 

“You’re smart,” Dan commented, letting the slightest inkling of sarcasm meld into his words.

“Actually, I’m Phil.” The guy - Phil - replied. 

Phil was such a simple name, and if Dan was being honest, he would not have pegged the man in front of him as a Phil. He wasn’t sure why, but now that he knew that his name was really Phil, suddenly there was no other name  in Dan’s mind that the guy could be called. No other name suited him as well. It was a good name, Dan liked it. Not that it mattered really, Phil was just his neighbour, 

“Are you going to tell me your name, or is that just as bad as opening the front door?” Phil asked with a gentle smile that reassured Dan that he was only joking. 

“I’m Dan.”

“Well then, Dan, looks like this package is for you.” Phil said. 

If Dan had known Phil better than he would have jumped on that opportunity; the euphemism was just far too obvious,and he could have made so many jokes about Phil giving him the package, but as it was, Dan didn’t know the plant murderer all that well and instead just screwed up his face a little and shrugged one of his shoulders. 

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll get it later,” he said. 

“You’re very mysterious, Dan,” Phil said, and smiled as though there was nothing strange about the situation they were in. Maybe there wasn’t.  Maybe Phil was the sort of guy who had strange conversations through windows with weird guys all the time. Maybe it was completely normal for him to try to deliver a parcel to someone only to be told to leave it outside in a bush. 

Dan wasn’t sure. He didn’t know anything about the guy. There was only one way to rectify that. 

“Why did you move here?” he asked Phil.

“You really just cut to the chase, don’t you?” Phil asked. “There’s no hanging around with you, it’s just straight up asking the big questions.”

“Does that mean that you’re not going to tell me?” Dan asked in confusion. Why was he answering a question with another question? Why couldn’t he just answer what Dan wanted to know?

“Why don’t you ever leave your house?” Phil countered. “I’ve never seen you walk out that front door, I’ve seen your mum leave and come home and everything, but I have never seen you outside before.”

“I don’t want to tell you,” Dan replied. 

“Well then, I guess we’ve reached an impasse.” Phil declared. 

“We have?” Dan asked. 

“Sure. You want to know why I moved here, and I want to know why you never seem to leave your house. What do you have against the great outdoors, Dan?” Phil asked, answering the question with another question just as he had earlier. “So since neither of us are willing to tell the other first, we have an impasse.”

“So what so we do now?” Dan asked. 

He had never had an impasse before. It was a strange feeling. He was mildly frustrated that Phil didn’t just tell him the truth, but then he supposed that Phil could probably say the same thing about him. Impasses were frustrating, and Dan wanted it to be over even though it had only just begun. He was too stubborn to give in though. As his mum would often say, he would bite off his nose just to spite his face. It was true, even though it was a physical impossibility. 

“Now we just wait and see who breaks first,” Phil said. “One of us has to.”

“They do?” Dan asked. 

“Well, not necessarily. We could just never speak to each other again,” Phil said, “but something tells me that you’re not one to give up when you get an idea in your mind.”

Dan’s head tilted slightly as he stared at Phil, either not noticing or caring about the way that Phil shifted under his gaze. How did Phil know that Dan could be a stubborn asshole sometimes? It was most definitely true, but how did he notice that in such a short time?  What else was the plant murderer able to pick up on? The old saying ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ flickered through Dan’s mind, and for a split second he wondered which one Phil was to him. 

“You don’t talk to a lot of people do you?” Phil asked after a few further moments of silence. 

“What makes you think that?” Dan asked. 

“Just a feeling,” Phil said with a laugh that made his entire face light up and captivated Dan. He watched as Phil’s tongue poked out from between his teeth, and found himself staring. He just couldn’t stop. It was a relief when it finally disappeared again and Dan was freed from the strange trance that he had been in. 

“A feeling?” he asked, hoping that Phil hadn’t taken any notice of the silence or the staring. 

“Yeah. No offence, it’s just that you give off that impression,” Phil said. 

Dan paused for a second to consider that. It was true that he didn’t really speak to people all that often, in fact, he very rarely spoke to anyone other than his mum. It wasn’t exactly as though he was able to walk up to someone in the streets and say ‘hey, wanna be friends?’ though. His life didn’t work like that. He was always going to have to live with the fact that he was different, and that sometimes he would be at a disadvantage compared to other people his age, but there was nothing that could be done about it. 

So yes, maybe his people skills were a little bit rusty, but there wasn’t an immediate cure for that. Dan had no idea how to go about it. Was it possible to learn to speak to people? If so, how would he go about it? 

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you,” Phil said, looking as though he meant every word. “It was just a stupid observation, and I really shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no, don’t worry about it,” Dan said instantly. “You’re actually right, I don’t get the chance to talk to people much.”

“That makes sense. Not everyone takes the time to stand and talk to a stranger through a pane of glass.” Phil said. 

“I mean, you’re doing it too, but that doesn’t matter; we know each other’s name now. We’re not strangers anymore.” Dan said. 

“Dan, that’s something that nobody ever says in real life. It’s only ever said by characters in books or by the sleazy guy in a movie hitting on the protagonist,” Phil explained, looking confused.. 

“I’m not hitting on you.” Dan replied bluntly. 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t think you were,” Phil said with that same damn laugh that caused a strange feeling in Dan’s chest. Was he getting ill? “I don’t think that you’re sleazy either. I was just making a point that media portrays it as a normal thing to say things like that, but it’s actually really not, and if you said that to most people then you’d get a strange look.”

“So I see. That’s interesting,” Dan murmured to himself. It seemed as though his idea that he would be able to teach himself how to interact with people by reading plenty of books and watching as many movies as possible wasn’t the best way to go. 

“So,” Phil said, “the package?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. It’ll be fine in the bush,” Dan said. 

“The package will be fine in the bush. Put the package in the bush. I swear to god if you’re messing with me,” the threat was left unsaid, but Dan’s mind ran with it. 

What exactly would Phil do? Cough on him? Sneeze on him? Poison him with whatever bizarre substance he was giving to his poor plants? 

“How would that be messing with you?” Dan asked curiously. 

“You - you really don’t know?” Phil asked, looking as though he wanted the Earth to break apart and swallow him up. 

“Know what?”

“Have you lived in a bubble your entire life? It’s an innuendo Dan.” Phil told him. 

“Oh,” Dan said feeling his face flush hot with embarrassment. He had known that package could be suggestive, but in that sentence he hadn’t seen the problem. Obviously there was something else that he was missing. He would have to google it later, that was if he felt like he could deal with the increased embarrassment of actually knowing what it was that he had implied. 

“You’re an interesting guy, Daniel Howell.” Phil said cheerfully, as though Dan hadn’t just made an innuendo without realising it. 

“How do you know my name?” Dan demanded to know. All he had told Phil was that his name was ‘Dan’, so how did he know his full name? 

“Uh, it’s written right here,” Phil said as he pressed the parcel up against the window, allowing Dan to read the ‘Daniel Howell’ that was printed on the label right above his home address. 

“Oh, right, sorry,” he said. “So in what way am I interesting?”

“It’s the way you act and the things that you say. They make me want to know more about you. I would say that’s a pretty interesting quality to have.”

“Why would you want to know more about me?” Dan asked, “I don’t do anything.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Phil scoffed. 

It was true though. Other than monitoring his health and wasting his life playing games on the computer, he literally didn’t do anything. He was boring, and once Phil realised that he would be gone and Dan would be all alone again. It was a scary thought. He hated being alone. 

“Fine, I’ll tell you more about myself if you tell me why you moved here,” Dan said. 

“Why is that so important? It really isn’t an exciting story.” Phil replied. 

“Tell me and then I can decide whether it’s an exciting story or not,” Dan said. 

“Hm. No, I don’t think I will,” Phil decided. 

“What? You can't do that,” Dan protested.

“I can't refuse to tell you my life story?” Phil asked, looking bemused at Dan’s outburst. 

“Well, I mean, I guess you could. I don’t really know,” Dan admitted. He was ashamed to say that he wasn’t entirely sure how talking to people worked, but despite that he was pretty sure that it was almost impossible to force someone to tell you something when they didn’t want to. 

“We’re going to have to work on your social interaction skills,” Phil said. “They’re not the best. I mean scratch that, they’re not even good. They’re just plain awful.”

“We?” Dan asked, afraid that he had maybe misheard somehow. It would have been an easy mistake to make. There  _ was  _ a window between the two of them, after all. 

“You’re a mystery,” Phil said. “You’re the boy I didn’t even know existed, and now I’m finding out that not only do you live here, but you’re also refusing to answer the door. You’ve got my curiousity screaming at me to just figure out what’s happening. You’re an enigma Daniel Howell.”

“So I’m a puzzle?” Dan asked.

“A very good looking puzzle,” Phil confirmed, creases lightly appearing around his eyes as he smiled.

Dan frowned for a second. What did that mean? How could a puzzle look good? The only time puzzles looked good to him was after they’d been completed, preferably by someone else because he was too lazy to actually put any time or commitment into something that was so confusing. So what was Phil talking about? Did he mean that Dan was a nuisance that he wanted someone else to solve? Or was Phil one of those bizarre people who actually liked doing puzzles? 

“Wow, you  _ really  _ don’t talk to people. I know I’ve said that a lot, but it just keeps hitting me,” Phil said. “It’s insane.”

“Is it really that obvious?” Dan asked.

“I’m sorry, but yeah, it is,” Phil replies, shaking his head slightly as though to apologise for something that neither of them had much control over. 

“So what do I do? How do I learn to talk to people?” Dan asked him. 

“Well, the only real way to do it is by actually talking to people. I don’t think there’s really another way.” Phil said.

“Will you teach me?” Dan asked.

“You want me to teach you to talk to people?” Phil asked.

“Yes. You can meet me here every now and then and teach me how to talk to people,” Dan confirmed.

It made sense. If Dan wanted to work from home and build his own career, then he was going to have to work on talking to people. He would have to do video interviews, and converse with people regularly over the phone or video conference calls. It didn’t matter what career he decided to go for, he was going to have to talk to people eventually. He wouldn’t get by for much longer with just being able to talk to his mother.

“You want me to teach you to talk to people through a window?” Phil asked, and Dan could hear the scepticism in his voice.

“Yes? What’s wrong with that?”

“I love the fact that you even have to ask that question,” Phil laughed. “You’re going to get comfortable talking to me eventually, and then you won’t progress any further. You need to talk to a range of different people, learn what is socially acceptable and what’s a taboo.”

“I know it’s a bit strange, and maybe you’re not used to talking to people through a pane of glass, but I think it’ll be mutually beneficial,” Dan replied.

“In what way will it be mutually beneficial?” Phil asked.

“Well, I get to learn how to hold a conversation without getting too awkward or invasive, and you get to come and talk to me instead of murdering plants,” Dan explained. It was more of a benefit to Phil’s plants than Phil himself, but Dan was desperate for someone to talk to.

“You noticed that?” Phil asked as a guilty look crossed his face.

“It was hard to miss,” Dan replied. “What on Earth are you doing to those poor things?”

“I don’t know?” Phil said. “I’ve been trying everything I can to keep them alive, but they just die on me. It’s like they're trying to escape. I think they genuinely just hate living with me.”

“I’m sure that they’re not really trying to get away from you,” Dan said, trying to reassure Phil, but it was hard to reassure someone when you didn’t believe what they were trying to tell you.

“Alright, lying is something that we can work on for the future,” Phil said rolling his eyes. 

“So you’ll do it?”

“I mean, I’m probably going to regret this later, but sure. I’ll meet you here every once in awhile and we can chat for a bit. Maybe you’ll learn how to use white lies to reassure people rather than being so obvious,” Phil said.

“Trust me, you’re not going to regret it,” Dan promised.

“We’ll see. I’ll meet you here tomorrow?” Phil asked.

“Yeah. Same time. My mum’s working so she won’t ask any questions.”

“You really are a mystery Dan, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Phil replied. 

Dan watched as Phil left, pausing momentarily to slide the parcel under the bush. Dan had been enjoying their conversation. His days were usually so boring and ended up just melding together in a meaningless blob of hours and minutes. There was rarely anything noteworthy happening. Meeting Phil felt different. Dan found himself itching to go to bed just so he could wake up the next morning and talk to him again. 

He could already tell that these little meetings would change his life. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! i hope you enjoyed the new chapter, let me know what you thought!!!
> 
> come find me on tumblr @philscurls


	3. not so smooth sailing

“I don’t understand.” Dan said as he ran a hand through his curls while internally cursing himself because he had spent so long that morning trying to ensure that his hair looked semi-decent.

“We’ve been over it like thirty times, Dan, how can you still be missing the point?” Phil asked in exasperation, but it was obvious that he wasn’t upset as there was a tiny smile playing on his lips.

“Actually, we’ve only been over it twice,” Dan corrected him.

“For someone who uses sarcasm like it’s going out of fashion, you’re pretty bad at picking up on when other people are using it,” Phil commented wryly.

“Whatever, I don’t get it,” Dan said, looking annoyed at the concept of not being able to comprehend something that seemed so simple. He was beginning to feel like an idiot in front of Phil and he hated it. He wanted Phil to think that he was intelligent and interesting.

“Dan, it’s not that complicated. You’re making it seem like more than it really is in your mind,” Phil explained.

“But why would you tell someone something in two months’ time if you didn’t feel that you could trust them enough to tell them when you first met? It really just doesn’t make any sense,” Dan said, repeating his question from earlier and looking more confused than seemed humanly possible.

“Because you know the person better after time has passed. Trust has been built in the time that you’ve been talking, and you know each other better so you feel better about opening up,” Phil said with the bemused laugh of a man who had repeated the same damn sentence about a million times already and yet still had the patience to say it again.

“Shouldn’t you tell them straight away? It’s so stupid, there’s no guarantee that you would trust them in the two months’ time,” Dan said.

“The time frame of two months is variable, Dan, it’s not a specific length of time that is sure to be the same for everyone. It could be longer or shorter for people, it all just depends,” Phil patiently tried to explain once more.

“That’s definitely stupid.” Dan decided.

“No, it makes sense. For example, you don’t want to tell me why you never leave the house, but in a month or two you might feel as though you trust me enough to tell me. Then again, you might not and it might take longer,” Phil said.

“I’ll never tell you,” Dan stated bluntly.

It wasn’t a trust issue, though. Phil was completely wrong on that assumption. It was actually a pity issue. Dan had made his peace with the fact that he couldn’t leave the house and that he wasn’t the same as other people his age. He wasn’t  _ normal _ . That was fine, and even though he didn’t like it, he was used to it and he had accepted it, but he would never get used to the  way people’s behaviour would change towards him as soon as they found out about his condition.

He couldn’t stand the sickly sweet way people would speak to him, like there was literally syrup dripping out of their mouths as they tried to talk, because they had to be extra nice to the poor, sick kid who was at risk of dying from everything. They would talk  down to him too, as though he was too young to understand anything that they were talking about and was unable to make decisions for himself.

It was mainly doctors and nurses who had done that to him because they were the only people he had been allowed to see, and whilst he was aware that there wasn’t anything to indicate that Phil would treat him that way, there also wasn’t anything to argue against it. He was enjoying their conversations and the way that Phil was treating him like an equal rather than someone who was beneath him purely because he wasn’t healthy. He was enjoying the witty banter and the small jokes that were so second nature to Phil that Dan reckoned they felt like nothing special to Phil, but kept Dan awake at night as he smiled so widely into the darkness that he could feel his cheeks ache, and he could trace the little lines that had been left at the corners of his eyes.

Phil was like a breath of fresh air in his carefully air conditioned home. He treated Dan normally, and while he knew that he wasn’t defined by his condition and it didn’t make him any less human that another person, it was nice to actually be treated like that from someone else.

“I’m going to remind you that you said that one day,” Phil promised, referring to the fact that Dan had vowed that he would never tell Phil the truth.

“Sure, if you say so. I really doubt it though,” Dan said while rolling his eyes. If it had been anyone else then he may have been irritated by the persistence, but with Phil it was almost endearing. He was like a bubbly, overzealous child, and Dan couldn’t bring himself to get upset by the persistent questioning because in the end, Phil wasn’t really pushing him or trying to drag the answer out of Dan.

“Do you at least understand the point that I was trying to make?” Phil asked, changing the subject back to the main problem at hand.

“Actually, no. I just don’t get it at all. Either confess something about yourself straight off, or don’t. There’s no need to be so flaky about it, just make up your mind,” Dan whined as though it was a topic that he found himself complaining about every day.

Phil just laughed at the petulant tone and Dan’s inability to keep the whine from his voice.

“These little socialisation lessons aren’t going to be that effective, I’m guessing.” Phil said with unsuppressed amusement in his voice.

“What makes you think that?” Dan asked, arching one of his eyebrows questioningly.  

“Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that it’s been two weeks since we started talking and every time I’ve given you some advice you’ve argued about how stupid it is and then you’ve gone on to correct me and tell me how you think society should run,” Phil said with a light smile tugging at his lips showing that he wasn’t actually annoyed by the fact.

“Everything that you’ve taught me has been ridiculous,” Dan argued. He had quickly discovered that there was nothing simple or logical about human interaction. “I would make a much better ruler.”

“It’s not my fault, it’s just how society works,” Phil said. “Anyways you would make a terrible ruler; you can’t even get out of your bed before lunch time.”

“I could totally wake up early.”

“Could you wake up at six am?” Phil asked.

“Of course,” Dan lied, of course as it was Dan never usually had a reason to wake up before eleven in the morning. He could if he wanted to though, he assumed that it was just a matter of practice and perseverance. 

They talked for a little while longer, enjoying the easiness of their conversation, but unfortunately Phil announced that he had to go. Dan was unpleasantly reminded that Phil had a life outside of their conversations and wondered what it would be like to see a day in the life of Phil Lester. 

Dan had been learning a lot about the world outside his home and he was surprised by how much of it was brand new information to him. He had thought that his time browsing the internet and watching tv would have helped to educated him on society, but apparently not. Maybe he was looking at the wrong things online and instead of browsing through the ‘Memes of The Week’ he should read an article on human interaction. 

Who was he trying to kid though, he would never do that. Was there even such a thing as an article on human interaction? Probably, but Dan knew that it would be written for people with a higher degree of intelligence than he had.

Phil’s advice was useful though, and Dan was beginning to believe that in due time, he would be ready to consider applying for different jobs where he would be able to work from home. His mother wasn’t keen on the idea, and she always frowned with disapproval whenever he brought it up, but that wouldn’t stop Dan. He was far too determined and headstrong to allow his mother’s discontent at the idea stop him. 

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew that there would eventually come a day when his mother would be gone and he would be left with large bills to pay in order to continue running the air-conditioned house. There was no chance that he would be able to do anything about that if he had no income, which literally meant that he would die without money.

So really, Phil was pretty handy.

Dan was beginning to depend on his regular conversations with Phil. 

On the days when his mother was at work he would wake up and spend the day pacing and waiting for Phil to tap on the window and begin their daily talk. Of course, Dan knew there were much easier ways for them to stay in touch; they could have texted, called each other, or even have messaged each other online, but Dan preferred to see Phil in person. He had all of Phil’s contact details and would have been able to text him at his leisure, but there was something about actually seeing him in person that was important to Dan. It was different from his typical monotonous day when Phil popped over for a chat, and he was always thrilled by their conversations. 

Usually the only reason he would text Phil was to tell him that his mother was home and that he wouldn’t be able to talk that day.

Phil was the only person he got to see, other than his mother, so it wasn’t that odd for him to have high expectations for their meetings. He was always dressed in clean, ironed clothes, and he would spend ages trying to tame his hair into submission after waking up. There were the days when Dan’s mother was at home rather than being at work and Dan was slowly starting to hate those days. He felt guilty for saying such a thing because it was his  _ mother _ , he should want to spend time with her because she was such a vital component in his life.

He loved his mother, he really did, but he was starting to get fed up of the inane conversations and the way she would always bring the subject back to his illness.

He got it. He was ill. There was nothing that either of them could do about it so Dan didn’t understand why there was any point in constantly bringing it up. What use was it to persistently discuss how he would never be a normal member of society? What was even worse was the fact that when he would try to bring up the idea of attempting to get a job, she would shut him down entirely.

It seemed like no matter what he did to try and prove his independence, she would always think of reasons to demean his achievements and prove to him that he wasn’t able to do things that  _ normal  _ people were.

“You don’t need to work, Sweetie, I earn enough to look after you,” she would say.

“I know mum, but I don’t want to be depending on you forever, and one day you won’t be here to look after me.”

“Dan, I know it’s a horrible thought, but with your condition being what it is, the chances of you outliving me aren’t that great.”

It was a terrible thing for her to say, but Dan was used to it. She would often remind him that there was a chance that he could get ill at any time, and that was why it was so important for him to regularly check his vital signs.

She liked to think that it was a good way of reminding him of the importance of checking his temperature for the beginning indications of infection, but Dan was convinced that she may just like having power over him. What better way to keep him in line than to remind him that his life was fleeting and he was only surviving because of the filtered air that she supplied?

There was also the matter of Dan’s brother.

Dan’s brother had been four years old when Dan was born, and Dan couldn’t remember a single thing about him because he’d died before Dan was even brought home from the hospital. He had also suffered from SCID. It was common for male siblings to have the disease due to the way it was genetically passed on.

When Dan’s mother had been in the hospital in labour, Dan’s brother had spiked a temperature of 39.3 degrees. He was seriously ill, and Dan’s dad had had to make a choice between trying to care for him and lower his temperature at home, or rush him to the hospital. He had decided on the hospital, as there had been all the signs of a major infection – he had a temperature, his respiratory rate was high, his heart rate was worryingly fast – so Dan’s dad had decided to throw caution to the wind and took him outside in the hopes that the hospital would be able to help.

They never made it to the hospital. There had been a drunk driver on the wrong side of the road, and Dan’s dad had swerved to avoid him, but when he swerved, he drove straight into a tree. 

Dan’s dad and brother had died instantly, or at least, that’s what his mother always told Dan, as though the thought of it being fast was meant to offer him some sort of reassurance or peace.

Dan found it difficult to deal with the thought of having lost half of his family. He knew that he should be upset that they were gone, but how could he mourn people that he’d never even met? Instead, he found himself mourning the loss of a father figure and a big brother rather than the people themselves.

He didn’t know anything about either of them, and Dan’s mother was reluctant to speak about them as it upset her. All she would usually tell him was that his brother had the same illness, and they both died because of it, but it was a quick death which was a blessing compared to the slower, more painful death caused by an infection.

His mother liked to make everything in his life seem so negative and depressing, which was why  Dan was enjoying his time with Phil more and more as he began to learn about him in their little conversations. Phil was an extremely open person; he was happy to share things about himself and he seemed to be a never ending fountain of positivity and friendliness. It was strange, Dan didn’t understand how one man could be so relentlessly optimistic, especially when he was living through a bizarre situation.

How could you constantly meet up with someone who would never come outside and still smile as though there was nothing wrong?

Dan was learning to love Phil’s family too, even though he had never met them. Phil had been telling him all about them, and Dan now knew that he had a mum and dad who had been together for a long time and were actually really happy together, and a brother who had a long term girlfriend. It was strange for Dan to imagine such a normal family situation when his relationship with his mother often felt so dysfunctional sometimes. He was thinking about the way that Phil spoke so fondly of his family and practically told Dan their entire life stories, but there Dan was feeling so reluctant to talk about his own family. 

Dan remembered one time he had been talking about the hedgehog that had lived in the little hole under the steps up to his house and how he had spent days watching it poke it’s little head out and potter about the grass, and Phil had suddenly had a mini crisis as he was unable to remember whether he had ever seen a hedgehog before. In the end, he’d kindof just given up, but instead of accepting that maybe he hadn’t seen one, he decided to randomly text his mum and ask her whether or not she knew if he had seen one before.

Dan had rolled his eyes at Phil and wondered why he would text her such a random question that would only raise questions and suspicions, but he was surprised to find that there was nothing of the sort. Instead, Phil had received a lengthy reply about the family of hedgehogs that had lived at his grandparents house.

Dan was amazed at the relationship that Phil had with his mum. If Dan had texted that question, he would have received endless questions about why he needed to know, did he know that hedgehogs carried diseases? Was he planning on holding a hedgehog? What was he doing? Was he outside? It could never just be a simple question with his mother, there always had to be a fully explained rationale behind everything that he asked her. 

He never told Phil that his mother had caught the hedgehog and had taken it away somewhere. He wasn’t sure exactly what had happened to it, and his mother would never tell him when he asked. 

He was jealous of Phil, not that he would ever be able to admit that. He was jealous of the easy relationships he had with his family, he was jealous that Phil could call his parents and be greeted with a ‘hi, honey’ rather than a panicked ‘what’s happened?’ He wished that he was able to experience that sort of conversation. He wanted gentle reassurances rather than harsh, worried inquisition. 

That evening, as the sun was sitting low in the sky, Dan wondered what it would feel like to go somewhere peaceful to watch as the sun set and turned the sky into darkness, and what the sun would feel like on his skin.

He was taken out of his thoughts by his mother arriving home.

She looked tired, and Dan was shocked that for once, she wasn’t the prim and proper person she always tried to be. Her hair was falling out of the bun that had been so meticulously done that morning, and her mascara was smudged under her eyes. Dan wasn’t risking telling her that though as she looked annoyed about something. 

“We need to talk,” she snapped at Dan as she brushed passed him coldly, bumping into his shoulder without pausing to apologise, and walking into the kitchen.

“Talk about what?” Dan asked as he followed her and found her raking about, looking for something. 

“I’ll tell you over tea. Now just go to your room. I need my space,” she said as she slammed a cupboard door shut after failing to find whatever she was looking for. “Just go, I can’t even stand to look at you right now.”

Dan frowned in confusion. He had no idea what he had done to invoke such an intense reaction. His mother was usually happy to see him when she came home from work, so for him to be sent away like a badly behaved dog was unexpected and left him feeling strangely scared. This was completely new territory for someone who had spent his entire life in a comfortable routine.

Dan did as he was told and went to his room. He sat by his window with his chin resting on his folded arms as he stared blankly out at the world. He was trying to reason out the whole situation to himself. There had to be a good reason why his mother was acting so odd. Maybe it was just something simple and she was lashing out at him because of stress? He had often admired the way that she was able to cope so effortlessly with his condition, and maybe it was just too much for once. Maybe she was finally sick of holding up a brave facade. People were allowed to get stressed. Dan supposed that lashing out at him was just her way of venting.

It was just a little bit frustrating and embarrassing to be sent to his room as he was an adult. There was no need for it, and he was perfectly capable of staying out of her way without having to go to his room, but there he was sulking as though he really were a child in need of a time out. Thankfully, he was pulled out of his misery fairly quickly by the light in Phil’s bedroom flicking on.

Was it creepy for him to be watching Phil walk around his bedroom? Dan supposed that it was, and yet he was still looking. He had to stop.

It was too late, though. Phil had spotted him, but instead of looking weirded out like any sane person would and should, he waved.

He was staring right at Dan and waving. Dan knew that his social skills left something to be desired, but he was pretty sure that waving at someone who you caught staring in your window wasn’t normal. Dan waved back awkwardly, feeling extremely grateful for the small distance between the two houses that masked the warmth that was creeping up his cheeks and causing his face to look as though he’d had an allergic reaction to something.

“Daniel!”

Dan was grateful for the sound of his mother’s voice, even if she did still sound angry as it rescued him from the awkward eye contact that he was maintaining with Phil after having been caught staring. He dipped out of his room and found his mother sitting at the dining room table. There was a sandwich and a glass of water waiting for Dan.

“Have a seat. I just made us something quick because I’m too wound up to consider cooking,” she said. Dan was concerned that her eyebrows would get stuck together from the intensity of her frown.

“What’s going on?” Dan asked as he cautiously sat down.

“Mr Robinson stopped me as I was on the way into the house this evening,” she said, “He seemed very concerned that a man seemed to be standing outside our living room window every single day I was working.”

Dan winced at the poorly contained fury in her voice as he ate his sandwich. There was also the slightest hint of disappointment which almost felt worse than the anger; he couldn’t stand the thought that he had done something to let her down, especially after everything that she had sacrificed to help him stay alive. He didn’t want to cause her any more stress. Sometimes it hit him how much of a bad son he was. All he seemed to do was cause difficulties.

“Oh,”

“Oh? Is that all you have to say?” she demanded. Dan saw a tiny bit of saliva fly out of her mouth and land on the glass table. He wrinkled his nose in disgust, but quickly smoothed out his expression before he made her even angrier.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Dan admitted. He was at a complete loss. He wanted to say something to fix the entire situation, but he knew that she wanted a promise that he would never contact Phil again, and Dan just wasn’t ready to give her that.

“I want to know who the man is! I want to know why he’s at our window, and I want to know why you thought this was something to keep from me!?”

“His name is Phil, and he lives across the road. He came over with a parcel one day and I went to the window to tell him to leave it in the bush by the front door. We started talking and it was fun. It was nice to actually talk to another person for a change, and so we decided to keep arranging little meetings so we could talk more,” Dan explained. He figured that he should leave out the fact that Phil was teaching him some social etiquette so that Dan could finally get a job. That might have been too much for his mother to handle.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She was still angry, his simple explanation having only added fuel to her anger.

“I knew you’d worry. I’m sorry that I kept it from you, but I am an adult now and I am allowed to try and make my own friends, Mum,” Dan said. “I don’t want to die feeling like I’ve never had a friend.”

Dan had been hoping that she would calm down a little bit after he dropped the lonely card, but it wasn’t working this time.

“Don’t be absurd. I’m not going to fall for that,” she snapped. “You and I both know what this is going to lead to.”

“What? Your son being happy for once? Actually having a will to live? Not waking up and dreading the same monotonous routine that’s been my life since I was born?” Dan asked snidely, although he felt vaguely concerned that he was being too honest as that might cause her to become even more overbearing than usual.

“No,” she practically growled out the word. “It means that you’re going to become good friends with this Phil guy, and then you’re going to want to meet him in person. Eventually, you’ll be pleading for him to come inside, or insisting that you’ll be alright to nip outside for just a minute. Then you’ll catch something, and before you know it, you’ll be dying slowly. All because you took things too far.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Dan said, pausing for a moment between words as his head seemed to spin around in circles. It was probably just because he was getting himself so worked up about their argument. It cleared enough for him to continue, so he wasn’t worried about it, and he was feeling a bit bitter, so he wasn’t telling his mother anything. “I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

“This entire situation is stupid,” his mother snapped. “Don’t you realise what you’re doing to me?”

“To you?” Dan asked, his voice raising in disbelief. Of course it was all about her. 

“Yes, I’ve dedicated my life to looking after you, I’ve made sure that there was always someone here to look after you as you grew up, I even dedicated my career to you.”

“Don’t pull that one,” Dan argued, “we both know that you already started training in the specialty before dad died. You weren’t training for me, you were training for-”

“Enough,” she said in a deathly calm voice that was more terrifying than her anger, and Dan instantly stopped his train of thought, feeling guilty for even bringing it up. “You’re being so selfish. Don’t you realise what you’re doing to me?”

“I’m sorry mum, but I can’t live like this forever,” Dan reminded her through a tight throat. That was surprising. He didn’t think that the emotion was affecting him, but apparently it was. 

“You’re going to end up dying because of that man!” She said, her chest heaving with unrestrained anger. “You’re going to make me lose my second son. I can’t-” her voice broke and she paused for a second to recollect herself, “I can’t lose you, Dan. You’re the most important thing in my life.” All the anger had disappeared from her body as she seemed to crumple in on herself, looking more vulnerable that Dan had ever seen her look before.

“You’re not going to lose me, Mum. I’m not going anywhere,” Dan said soothingly, trying to ignore the feeling of wrongness that was coming over him. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. 

“It already feels like you are. I can feel you slipping away and I don’t know if I can handle it,” she said. “I just need you to be my little boy for a while longer.”

“I’m twenty-one. I’m not a baby anymore,” Dan reminded her, his voice soft as to not bring up any further anger..

“It doesn’t matter how old you get, you’ll always be my-” she broke off abruptly, “Dan, are you alright.”

“Warm.” Dan mumbled, unable to fight off the dizziness any longer.

A warm flush overcame him and he could have sworn that his body was on fire. Everything was too hot. He was burning. There was sweat on his brow, no, there was sweat everywhere. He was overcome by it.

“Stay here,” his mum said, and if Dan had the energy, he would have rolled his eyes. Where else would he go? He watched her race away through heavy lidded eyes. It seemed like there were three of her. That couldn’t be right, surely he was seeing things. 

Where was she? What if she didn’t come back? He needed her, she had been right. He would never survive without her. What if he had caught something and it was about to kill him? Would his last moments with his mother be the ones that had been spent arguing?

What about Phil? What if he never got to say goodbye to Phil? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to @snowbunnylester on tumblr for betaing this for me, ilysm elizajane <3 
> 
> sorry for the long delay in putting out this chapter, hopefully this will mark the beginning of semi regular updates again!!!
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr @philscurls


	4. sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thank you to elizajane (@snowbunnylester) for beta reading this chapter <3

The next few days passed in a haze of heat and bright flashes of colour for Dan. He would toss and turn in his bed, feeling the sheets tangle between his legs as he tried and failed to get comfortable. Every time he woke up from his fitful sleep, his mother was there gently pressing a cold cloth on his brow and lifting his head to pour water or medication in his mouth. He was too out of it to speak to her, and instead  just accepted whatever she was giving him at the time and let his eyes roll back in his head as he passed out once more. He wasn’t even sure if he cared what he was being given or not - he was just desperate to feel better. 

His dreams were a mixture of confusing images and scary faces jumping out at him from the  shadows of his room. He couldn’t tell whether they really were dreams, or whether he was hallucinating in those moments when he wasn’t quite sure whether he was awake or sleeping. 

He was too hot, but he was too cold. His head would never sit comfortably on his pillow and there had to be something lumpy in his mattress because Dan had never felt so out of place in his own bed before. Everything was wrong. 

It was scary, and whenever Dan woke up feeling slightly more lucid, he would also feel the accompanying pang of terror as he wondered whether it would be the last time he woke up. Maybe if he had had more energy then he would have tried to ask his mother how bad it was looking, but he couldn’t. He was too tired, emotionally and physically. He felt completely and utterly defenceless as he lay in his bed desperately hoping that his mother would be able to do something, anything to help him.

Dan felt guilty for the way he had treated her. After all, she was the one person who had been there for him throughout everything in his life and there were no excuses for the way that he had acted. He had been so rude to think that he could make a new friend and keep it from her. After everything that she had done to try and keep him alive, he’d thanked her by going behind her back and keeping secrets from her. 

Once Dan started to feel a little more with it, he started to seriously think about everything that was going on his life. That made it sound as though he had a lot going on when in reality he had three things: his illness, his mother, and Phil. Even though Dan knew that it was wrong and that he shouldn’t have been doing it, his mind was prioritising Phil. 

Phil was his ticket to freedom. He was everything that Dan needed to ensure that he would be able to someday support himself and live an independent life without relying on his mother for everything. His mother. She was another thing Dan was worried about because he knew he had been an ass to her and she didn’t deserve it at all. 

He needed to apologise.

“Dan, sweetie, lie down again.” His mother was already there beside him the second that he tried to sit up to get out of his bed. “You’re not strong enough yet.”

“I’m sorry.” Dan hated how weak his own voice sounded and how it broke as he tried to apologise. He was trying to be strong. He wanted to act like the grown up that he was meant to be and just apologise, but he was struggling to even speak. 

“I know you are, and I don’t want to have a go at you because I know that you’re not well, but this is exactly what I meant when I said I was going to lose you and there was nothing I could do about it,” his mother said. 

“I-” 

“Don’t try to talk yet,” Dan’s mother said as she hastily cut him off. Dan was too exhausted to argue with her. 

He wanted to say that his illness had nothing to do with Phil. He wanted to tell her that no matter what she said, there was no way that Dan would ever blame Phil for this because it was impossible for Phil to have caused this. They had never met in person outside the house, there was always something between them, and there was no way that he could have done anything that would have harmed Dan. 

He didn’t have the energy to say any of that though, and there was no way that he could tell her that Phil was helping him to gain more social skills because Dan wanted a real job. 

He needed Phil if he wanted any chance at freedom. 

Freedom was a strange concept for Dan as there was no way that he was ever going to be able to walk outside without socks or shoes on and feel the grass between his toes, nor would he ever be able to swim in the ocean and squeal in disgust as a slimy piece of seaweed touched his leg. He would never experience that sort of freedom, but maybe someday he would have financial freedom. It didn’t sound like much, but to Dan it felt like everything. 

He knew that the way he was treating Phil was wrong. It wasn’t necessarily the way that he was acting towards him, it was the way that he was using him as though he were just a tool that was useful in aiding Dan towards his end goal; leaving home and living his own life.

So maybe it would have been better and kinder if he’d listened to his mother and cut all contact. Maybe ending the little thing that they had going on early would allow Phil to forget about him before he felt that he knew Dan well enough to be hurt by the little fact, but there was something stopping Dan from doing that. 

Dan couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, but even though he didn’t know Phil all that well, he wasn’t ready to end things between them. It was amusing to think of it that way as it insinuated that there was more than friendship between them, which was completely absurd to think about. Dan couldn’t like Phil because the thought was ridiculous. It was Phil. Dan wasn’t even sure if they were properly friends. He had never had a friend before, so he didn’t know what could be called friendship and what couldn’t. Was Phil his friend?

“Dan, sweetie, how are you feeling?” his mother whispered, her voice penetrating the cautious silence of the room. 

“I-I feel like crap.” Dan’s voice broke as he tried to speak up, and it came out as a croaky whisper. 

“I’m not surprised. You gave me quite a scare there,” she said soothingly as she stroked a sweat soaked curl from his forehead. 

“How bad was it?” he asked quietly. 

“It was bad,” his mother said, “I thought I was going to lose you.”

‘ _ If you thought you were going to lose me, then why aren’t I in a hospital right now?’  _  Dan wanted to ask, but he knew that it was pointless as the reason was glaringly obvious. Dan’s brother and dad had died going to the hospital; his mother would never forget that, and that meant that Dan would have to just fight through things at home. 

He got it. He understood her fear, and he knew that going through something like that changed people, but it was difficult to remind himself of that when he was lying weakly in his bed and feeling as though he barely had the strength to lift his head off the pillow. He was wondering whether he would have recovered faster with actual medical input because even though his mother was a doctor, she didn’t have the resources that the hospitals did.

“Dan, are you alright?” his mother asked, looking concerned at his lack of reply. 

“Sure,” Dan lied. 

He was far from alright, but he knew that he was improving and saying that he still didn’t feel quite right would only serve to worry his mother more, and he had caused enough worrying lately. 

“Do you feel up to having a wash?” she asked quietly. 

Dan knew that he was ill and sometimes he would have to accept help, but his entire being shuddered at the thought of his mother giving him a bed bath. He was an adult, and adults were able to wash themselves. He didn’t care how detrimental his pride would be to his health. He wasn’t accepting a bed bath. 

“I want a shower.” Dan mumbled. 

“Oh, I don’t think you would be up to that right now,” his mother said. 

“I am. I will be,” Dan said with determination. 

“Maybe you should take it easy today. You can try a shower tomorrow.” 

“No, today. Please, I can manage,” Dan promised. 

If anything, sheer determination would get him through. He felt disgusting and he needed to get up and moving. He needed to prove to his mother that he was strong and that he could fight through the little setbacks, but mainly he needed to prove it to himself. 

He wanted to live independently someday, which meant that he was going to need to be able to do simple tasks on his own when just sitting up felt like running a marathon. 

“If you feel lightheaded at all, you must tell me,” his mother said, and she looked more than a little displeased at Dan’s persistence. 

“Of course,” Dan lied, but he had no intentions of mentioning any lightheadedness unless he thought he was about to pass out. 

“Can you sit up?” his mother asked. 

Dan nodded as he pushed himself up slightly using his elbows, his entire body seeming to scream at him to stop and just flop back against the pillows, but he couldn’t. He was sitting in a half reclined position, leaning heavily on his elbows, and panting from the effort, but he was nearly there. His mother didn’t step in to help, she just watched with a look on her face that clearly displayed her displeasure. 

He wouldn’t give up though. With a grunt of effort and more determination than Dan thought he was capable of conjuring, he pushed himself up into a fully seated position. His entire body was trembling, and his head was spinning in circles, but he was sitting up. 

“You look a bit peaky. Maybe you should just lie down again,” his mother suggested without moving. 

“No, I’m fine.” Dan said breathlessly. 

“It’s not good for you to overexert yourself. You should be taking it easy, Daniel.” The words were stern and filled with disapproval, and yet his mother made no move towards him to make him lie down.

“I’m fine.” The words were practically spat out between clenched teeth. 

Dan paused for a moment to catch his breath, and before he could stop himself, he was staring out the window and at Phil’s. There was a different plant in the window, and Dan couldn’t help the fond smile from creeping up his face. This plant was very pretty; it had large petaled flowers that had white edges that slowly darkened into a very vibrant pink in the centre of each petal. It was beautiful, but it was a shame that Dan knew it would be dead within a few days. 

Phil was the worst at looking after plants, and Dan loved that about him. Was that strange? To love a person’s inability to keep a basic thing alive? Probably. 

“What are you looking at?” His mother’s voice was sharp, and Dan knew that she was perfectly aware of what he was staring at. 

“Nothing, just the rain.” Dan said quickly.

It took considerably more effort than he thought it would to shuffle himself to the edge of the bed, and once he was there, he was faced with a difficult truth. He would not be able to walk to the bathroom. He would surely collapse on the walk there - that was, unless his mother was willing to help him walk. 

There was a split second where Dan considered trying to go it alone anyway. He knew that it would only end in pain for himself, but part of him believed that it was worth it just because he was so stubborn and really didn’t want to ask for help. 

Dan looked at his mother who was standing a few feet away from him with a dismissive look on her face, and he felt his stomach twist. She knew that he needed help, and he now knew that she knew, but he didn’t know whether she would be willing to assist him. 

What was worse: his pride or hers? 

“Could you help me walk to the bathroom?” Dan finally asked, swallowing his pride along with the bitter taste of defeat. 

It was like a personal failure, but he knew from the way that his entire body was shaking from the effort of just sitting on the edge of the bed that he wasn’t going to make it very far. 

“Of course I can, I’ve told you a million times before that I’ll always be here beside you every step of the way,” his mother said, and her expression changed almost instantaneously into a fond smile.

It bugged Dan, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on the reason why. 

Dan’s mother slipped her arm around his waist to help him stand up and kept him steady while his head spun dangerously. It was a bizarre feeling to have such a small woman hold him, a 6’3’’ man, up. It was a further reminder that he wasn’t very stable at that moment in time, and that he really wouldn’t have made it very far without her help. 

He needed her, and that was one of the hardest things that he would ever have to accept, because what was going to happen when he finally left to live his own life? What if he somehow got ill again while living alone? Would she come racing over to care for him, or would she tell him that he had brought it on himself and leave him to deal? 

Was it even worth bothering Phil and asking him to teach Dan how to live a normal life? It was all  moot. There was no point in him doing anything with his life because as soon as he so much as caught a sniffle, he would be practically on his death bed. 

Maybe that wasn’t quite correct. After all, Dan never just caught a sniffle - it was always a full blown illness that had his entire body running out of whack and fighting against the ailment with every fibre of his being. 

So if Dan was to accept that he was not going to be able to live an independent life, did that also mean that he was no longer needing to speak to Phil? After all, he was primarily meeting with Phil to learn the skills that were necessary to get a job and move out, but if that was no longer a viable option, would he have to stop seeing Phil? Part of his mind instantly rejected the idea, but Dan fought with it to seriously consider reality. 

There was a strong chance that he was going to have to explain to Phil why he hadn’t been in touch for the past week, and Dan really wasn’t sure what to tell him.

“Daniel,” Dan’s mother’s scolding tone pulled him from his musings, “concentrate on where you’re going otherwise you’ll fall. Do you think I’ll be strong enough to pull you back to your feet without putting my back out? What good will that do you? If we’re both holed up in bed and I can’t help you.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get distracted,” Dan murmured. 

His head was spinning dangerously, and there were black spots forming on his vision, but he kept his mouth shut and didn’t say another word because he was determined to have a shower. 

“You look terrible. I don’t think you’re going to manage this,” his mother commented, and Dan’s heart began to sink. Was she going to make him go back to bed? 

He was sticky and gross from sweating his way through a fever. He wanted to get clean. He wasn’t going to accept being forced to go back to bed. 

“Stop looking so stressed. I’m not stopping you from doing this. The best way to prove a point is by letting you make your own mistakes,” His mother said. 

“This isn’t a mistake,” Dan said through gritted teeth. He hadn’t realised how much effort it would take to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

How was walking in a straight line such a challenge? Why were the walls moving around him? Was his mother letting go? 

Finally Dan was in the bathroom, sitting on the lid of the toilet as his mother rushed around, turning on the shower to warm the water and making sure that there were plenty of towels and soaps for him to use. Dan just watched her go and cursed himself for feeling so weak. A walk to the bathroom that usually took him less than fifteen seconds had taken him almost five minutes and the assistance of his mother. 

“I can manage from here,” Dan said, and he was pleased to note that he sounded less breathless after his little rest. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I should stay with you,” his mother said, looking concerned at the thought of leaving him alone. 

“No,” Dan said in the loudest voice that he could muster up. He wasn’t agreeing to that, there was no chance. His entire being wanted to shudder at the thought. 

“I’m your mother. There’s no need to act like it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” his mother said as she rolled her eyes as if he was creating a fuss about nothing. 

“No,” Dan repeated. 

“Alright, alright. You’ve made your point and I’ll leave you alone to shower, but I’ll be right outside that door and I want it left unlocked in case anything happens,” his mother said as she swept out of the room hastily, leaving Dan sitting in the bathroom alone and listening to the water  forcefully hitting against the glass wall of the shower cubicle. 

He was finally alone for the first time since waking up, and his entire body went lax as he relaxed. The steam was filtering through the air and warming the room around him, and Dan was content. If he forgot about the weakness that was wracking his body and the hazy feeling in his head, then maybe he could have pretended that, in that moment, in the steam filled bathroom, everything was completely normal. 

Except it wasn't. 

Dan knew that, and no matter how hard he tried to pretend and wish otherwise, he was sick. It was clear to him as he slowly stripped out of the pyjamas that his mother must have dressed him in (if it had been up to Dan, he would have slept in his boxers), and shuffled over to the shower. He was leaning heavily on the walls, and felt as though he could just topple to the floor at any moment. 

The water in the shower was hot, and Dan loved the way it felt as it washed away the dried sweat and grime that had built up on him from spending the past few days holed in bed with a fever. He was trying not to dwell on the events of the past few days too much as it was a brutal blow to his dignity. Despite his condition and having spent his life being poked and prodded at by his mother and the nurses she had hired, Dan was a relatively private person. He liked to be in charge of himself, and his condition was just an obstacle that he believed he had to fight to remain in charge of his own life. 

It wasn’t easy. It was unbelievably difficult to accept that there were moments when he was so overcome by his own illness that he had to rely on his mother to spoon feed him medications and fluids to keep him from requiring hospitalisation. There had been times in the past when Dan had vomited all over himself and cried from the burn of acid in his throat and shame as his mother had cleaned him up and whispered gentle reassurances that it wasn’t his fault. 

There had been a time when Dan’s mother had gone on a quick trip to pick up more medication for Dan, and she had left him with a light kiss on the forehead and a warning to stay in bed until she returned as he was too weak to get up. Dan had taken that as a challenge and had tried to get up to make a glass of water. He had nearly succeeded, but as he made his way back to bed, something went wrong, and he was suddenly staring at the ceiling in a pool of cold water. He had tried to get up but accidentally put his hand on the broken glass as he tried to push himself up. 

He’d laid there clutching his stinging hand to his chest and shivering from the chill of the water and the fear that his mother would never return. This went on for over an hour before she finally came home and looked down at Dan with so much disapproval that that single look had hurt more than his hand. 

The hot water of the shower washed away those memories, and Dan liked to imagine them swirling down the drain as they disappeared forever. Maybe if he scrubbed hard enough then he would be able to wash away his illness altogether as well. He didn’t have the strength to try it, but he bookmarked that idea for a later date. It was stupid to imagine, but the idea of washing away his illness was almost satisfying, but that wasn't how life worked. 

Dan wasn't an idiot. He knew there was no miraculous cure, and even if there was, what then? He constantly told himself that his illness didn’t define him and he was more than just ‘the sick kid,’ but if he was suddenly cured, who would he be? He’d never been outside, he didn’t know anything about the world around him other than what he’d seen through a screen. He had no street skills, he had nothing. Who would he have been if he hadn’t been ill? Sometimes Dan felt guilty that he mourned that lost future more than his lost family. 

It was fucked up on so many levels, but it was true. He’d never known his dad or his brother, and maybe the same could be said about him not knowing what it was like to live a normal life, but everywhere he looked there were subtle reminders and temptations that seemed to exist just to prove to him that he was missing out on  _ life.  _

“Dan, are you alright? It’s very quiet in there,” his mother’s voice called, and Dan heard her knock gently on the door. 

“I’m fine, I won’t be long.,” Dan called back with no irritation in his voice. 

He was a selfish person. It was just a fact. His entire life made it easy for him to be selfish as he was alone most of the time with nobody to think about other than himself, which meant that he sometimes got so wrapped up in how difficult and limiting his condition was for himself that he forgot to consider what it must be like for his mother. 

She was so strong, Dan hadn’t really considered how hard it must be for her to watch him grow up when his brother never had that same luxury. He had died from the same disease that Dan was plagued with, and that must be a constant kick in the teeth for his mother. The same condition that had effectively resulted in the deaths of her husband and first son was constantly threatening to take away the life of her remaining child. Could he really blame her for being so overprotective? 

Dan really didn’t make things easier for her either. He was constantly pulling away and trying to prove that he was capable of being alone, but really, didn’t that mean that she would be alone too? If so, was she more scared of losing Dan, or of being on her own?

Dan wanted to give her the reassurance she needed, but he also needed to be his own person, and to do that, he needed Phil. It was going to make things difficult, and he was going to have to make sure that his conversations with Phil remained a secret to his mother, and that was if Phil even wanted to speak to him again. Dan really hoped he hadn’t driven him away with the unexpected silence. 

He turned the water off and reached out for a towel with a heavy arm. He had a plan; he was going to ensure that he went a little easier on his mother and he was going to fix things with Phil. He would make every effort not to hurt anyone anymore than he already had, but he was worried because it felt like that was going to be inevitable. It was just a question of who he would end up hurting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! don't worry, phil will be returning in the next chapter and dan has a lot of explaining to do ;) 
> 
> come and let me know what you think on tumblr @philscurls :)
> 
> [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A108414A)


	5. stargazer lilies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to @snowbunnylester for beta reading this and saving you all from a comma party

The daylight outside had long since dimmed and the eerie orange glow from the streetlamps was filtering in through Dan’s window, yet he was wide awake and staring blankly at the ceiling. He had no idea what time it was and he didn’t have the energy to look at his phone and check, but he did know that the 20% battery warning had flashed up on the screen not too long ago. He was still feeling like he had recently been run over by a tractor, and his breathing was just as laboured as it had been on the day he fell ill, but he was recovering. Slowly, but surely he was beginning to feel stronger. 

Not that any of that mattered to him. Dan was too caught up in his own mind to really give much regard to his physical health. 

He couldn't stop thinking about his life with his mother; part of him was elated that he had come to certain realisations and was ready to work towards mending that severed relationship, but a smaller part of him was still hesitant and bitter. He was trying his best to smother that piece of himself because it wasn’t his mother’s fault that she didn’t understand his illness. Well, in all fairness he had to hand it to her that she was a doctor and she was knowledgable about what he had, but she didn’t know what it was like to suffer with SCID. She was perfectly healthy and able to go out and do whatever her heart desired, which meant that she just couldn’t understand what it was like to be born in a prison that was disguised as a home. It wasn’t her fault that she would never understand that. 

If it wasn't enough for Dan to be worrying about his tremulous relationship with his mother, there was also the mysterious plant murderer across the road that was constantly sliding into Dan’s thoughts like ivy, creeping its way around him and growing uncontrollably, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to stop it or feed it. Some days he wondered if it was suffocating him and constricting his chest, but other days he thought that maybe it was feeding into him and increasing his strength while inserting thoughts and feelings that he hadn't realised he was capable of having. 

He felt as though those new feelings inside him would break which was a terrifying thought because they were stronger than anything Dan had ever felt before, and he just didn’t understand what they were or why they existed. 

Every fibre of his being had been itching to call Phil and explain to him why he hadn’t been in touch over the last few days, but if he did that, would it cause the strange fluttering in his stomach to become more intense? He wasn't sure whether he could actually handle that; it was already bordering the line of pleasantly confusing and too much. 

Which was why he had been lying in his bed for that unknown length of time with his phone resting lightly in his palm as he contemplated calling Phil and settling the question in his mind about whether or not the tightness in his chest and fluttering in his stomach would actually be able to cause him physical harm. 

“Ugh.” The frustration was too much. 

He wanted to talk to Phil, but he knew that in doing so he would also raise Phil’s curiosity about where he had been and why he hadn’t been in touch lately.

Part of him wanted to just be honest and admit that he hadn’t been feeling well - or, well, not completely honest, just honest enough to feel like he wasn’t betraying Phil, but not enough so that he would get any hints about Dan’s illness.

Dan needed Phil. He needed to be able to learn enough to manage to survive on his own, and without Phil, that would be impossible. Phil  had the experience of living in the real world, but he was also blissfully ignorant of Dan’s illness and his reasoning for using Phil.  

That was the truth, wasn’t it? Despite the fact that Phil made Dan feel all fluttery and how he was beginning to see Phil as a friend of some sort, essentially he was using him for his own benefit. Maybe it was a cold and callous thing to do, but it was necessary, and Dan was going to do whatever was needed to make sure that he succeeded in winning his own freedom, even if it meant that he had to be strategic about it. He was aware that he would have to be sneakier about getting in touch with Phil as he was going to try to fix his relationship with his mother primarily to regain her trust, but that wouldn’t stop him.

So, if admitting a partial truth to Phil was part of achieving that long sought after freedom, then so be it. It wasn’t like Dan was going to tell him how close he had come to death, or how the next time he caught something, that could be everything over. No, he was merely going to tell him that he had been suffering from food poisoning.

No one questioned an excuse that involved vomit and shit. People had a natural aversion to it, which meant that Dan could and would take full advantage of that in order to get what he wanted. 

Despite Dan’s determination, he still felt a small moment of regret as he pressed dial. It was as though he were planning to betray Phil by lying to him. He shook his head at himself and decided to chalk the feelings up to anxiety about telling a lie that was so close to the truth. There was the small chance that Phil could be smart enough to start piecing things together. 

The phone rang and rang. For a few  moments Dan felt a genuine fear that Phil wouldn’t pick up. What if he was too late? What if his sudden silence had been enough to snap the fragile string of friendship that had formed between them? Well, that was what Dan assumed Phil thought; after all, why would he continuously want to talk with Dan if he didn’t view them as somewhat acquaintances? For Dan it was easier - supply and demand and all that jazz. Phil had a skill, Dan wanted it. It wasn't his fault that he wasn’t being completely honest with Phil as to why he wanted it or what he planned to do with it. 

Phil knew enough to know that Dan was needing that skill. He knew enough to put effort into teaching him. Shouldn’t that be enough to settle Dan’s mind? It should have been, but it wasn’t somehow. 

“Hello?” Dan was pulled out of his thoughts by the sleepy voice that came out of the speaker, sounding too loud in his silent room. 

“Phil?”

“Dan?” Dan was about to hang up when he heard how tired Phil sounded - he could imagine the other man sleepily rubbing his eyes and yawning into the night - but something was stopping him from doing so. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” Dan said after a brief pause. 

“Is everything alright?” The sleep was beginning to fade from Phil’s voice, leaving behind a sharper edge, almost as though he were worried, but that was stupid. Why would Phil be worried?

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Dan, it’s one in the morning.” Phil said. 

“Oh,” Dan murmured, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about the time. I’ll let you sleep.”

“No wait!” Phil’s voice came out in a loud rush that had Dan momentarily worried it would wake his mother no matter how impossible that was, “I mean, I can talk for a little while.”

“No, really. You probably have to something to do in the morning, I don’t want to stop you from getting your sleep,” Dan said. Normal people had jobs, normal people didn’t stay up until four in the morning watching videos of people popping their spots. 

“I-” there was a pause before Phil continued, “I don’t have to be up that early, I can talk for a while.”

“Really?”

“Why would I lie?” Phil asked. 

That was a good point, Phil wasn’t hiding a severe illness. Phil was just a normal guy with a surprisingly good sleep schedule. 

“Alright, I believe you.” Dan said finally. 

“Good. So what about you?”

“What about me?” Dan asked frowning. 

“Where were you over the past few days?” Phil asked, and Dan could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn’t expecting anything but the truth, which was a problem because that was the one thing that Dan wasn’t willing to offer. 

“Jumping straight into the serious topics, are we?” Dan asked, trying to force himself to sound lighter than he felt. “You’re going to be disappointed by how painfully average my reason is for falling off the face of the Earth.”

“I am?” Phil asked, and Dan could almost picture the way one of his eyebrows would arch up in  amused disbelief. 

“You are indeed.”

“Well then, if it’s so painfully boring, then why aren’t you elaborating.” Phil challenged. 

“Touche, Lester, touche,” Dan said, hoping that those simple words would be enough to deter Phil, not that that was very likely. Simple words didn’t seem to be enough to stop someone like Phil’s curiosity. Phil seemed to be the sort of person who would fixate his mind on something and work towards it relentlessly. 

Behind that soft gaze and easy smile Dan was pretty sure that there was a ruthless investigator, and not in the nerdy, Sherlock investigator way, but in the ‘watch your secrets because Phil’s on the case’ way. 

“Alright, alright, I get the hint,” Phil said after Dan had hesitated long enough. “Is this to do with that thing that I will apparently never learn about you?”

Dan paused for a second as he was slightly taken aback by the way that Phil was giving him a chance to get out of answering any potentially incriminating questions. 

It was dangerous territory that Dan was in. He could either tell Phil that he was right and that he would never learn anything about what had happened, which may lead to him wanting to know even more and slowly connecting the dots that Dan was trying to erase. So really, his offer to drop the subject was putting Dan in a difficult position because he could accept the offer and raise suspicion or he could lie and raise suspicion. Either way he was looking at a lose-lose situation. 

“No,” Dan said slowly.

“No?” Dan could hear the disbelief in Phil’s voice.

“No, I had food poisoning,” Dan stated raising his chin slightly to try and appear more confident, before sheepishly remembering that Phil couldn't see him. 

“What did you eat to get food poisoning?” Phil asked. 

“Chinese food.”

“Really? I’ve never seen a delivery man at your door before. I didn’t realise that you ate takeaways,” Phil said skeptically, making Dan feel as though he were under interrogation. 

“I didn’t realise that you paid such close attention to who comes to our door,” Dan retaliated, “but you’re right. We don’t order in, my mother made it.”

“Your mum poisoned you?” Phil asked with a giggle that relaxed Dan’s muscles that he hadn’t even realised that he had tensed. 

“I guess so,” Dan agreed. 

He smiled into the darkness, amazed at how Phil could stir up such intense emotions within him. It felt as though he was constantly jumping between worry, excitement, and an unexplainable joy at the thought of continuing a conversation with the strange, nosy neighbour. 

“I think you need a new mum,” Phil said, amusement lacing the words.

“You don’t get to chose your family,” Dan murmured. The words tasted bland in his mouth, and he didn't really understand the saying, but he had heard it in many different movies so he supposed that it had some significance. 

“That’s true to an extent.” Phil said. 

“To an extent?”

“Well, people say that you don’t get to choose your family, which is true in the regards that you don’t get to choose who you share a bloodline with, but family is more than just being a blood relative,” Phil explained. “Family are the people that you decide to surround yourself with. It’s the people who you know that you can trust with your life. People who make you feel safe and loved.”

“I don’t think that it would be very easy to find people like that,” Dan said. 

“It’s easier than you’d think. You just have to recognise them rather than shutting them out because you’re scared of getting overly attached to someone,” Phil said, and if Dan wasn’t mistaken, his words were tinged with bitterness. 

“Speaking from experience?” Dan asked. 

“You know how you have your thing that you don’t want to talk about? I have mine too.” Phil said sharply. 

Dan paused. Was it hypocritical of him to want to know what had caused such a reaction in Phil? He wasn't willing to admit why he never left the house, but he was dying to know what it was that Phil didn’t want to talk about. What could possibly make the sweet, open man bottle himself up in such an abrupt fashion? 

“Really?” 

“Everyone has a past, Dan,” Phil said, “and besides, it’s really early and I’d probably be more likely to slip up and reveal something that I’d later regret so please, don’t ask.”

“Alright,” Dan said after a moment of deliberation, “I’ll leave it be.”

It was the right thing to do. He wouldn't have wanted Phil to push him for information when he was tired and in a mood that would cause him to give out information he would rather keep secret.

“Thank you.” The simple thanks was more than enough in Dan’s mind to tell him that he had made the right choice not to rush into trying to get information out of Phil. 

He needed Phil, and upsetting him wasn’t the way to go about getting what he wanted. So he decided to change the subject instead, hoping that Phil would be so grateful for the change that he wouldn’t realise Dan’s wish was to get the topic away from hidden secrets that neither wanted to reveal but both wanted to know. 

“What happened to the last plant from your window?” Dan asked instead. 

“It died, like every other one that I’ve owned,” Phil replied. 

“What the fuck do you do to them?” Dan asked incredulously. 

“I don’t know. I make sure they have plenty of water and food, I let them get sunlight, I talk to them when I’m in the room,” Phil listed, confused.

“Wait, I’ll come back to the talking to them thing in a second, but first, you feed them?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, I give them plant food.” 

“What the fuck does a plant eat? Are they vegetarian? Wouldn't that just be cannibalism? I always knew plants were shady shits,” Dan said. 

“No, Dan. It’s like when you buy flowers in Asda and they come with the little sachet of stuff that you put in the vase of water; it helps the plant.” 

“I’ve never bought supermarket flowers,” Dan admitted.

“Maybe your mum has?”

“No, she’s allergic to a lot of different types of flowers, something to do with the pollen, I don't know,” Dan lied. “We try to keep them out of the house.”

“What?” The word was a strange mix of sorrow and horror, as though Phil could not physically imagine someone being unable to surround themselves with nature. “How can you stand to not have plants or flowers scattered around every room?”

“I’ve never had it, so I guess it’s not something that I could miss,” Dan said, shrugging to himself. “Although I have to admit that I did like those flowers that you had in your window.”

“Which one?” Phil asked.

“The fact that you have to ask that just proves that those plants need a better plant dad,” Dan sniggered, “I don’t even want to know how many you’ve murdered.”

“Stop bullying me, just tell me which one you liked,” Phil said

“The pink-y ones with the white outline,” Dan said, showing his lack of plant knowledge as he struggled to think of the name of the large petaled flowers.

“Oh, the stargazer lilies,” Phil said sounding proud. “I’ve kept those alive the longest.”

“They’re pretty.” Dan said. 

“All plants are pretty, but the stargazer lilies are elegantly sophisticated,” Phil said. “I’m surprised that they’re still alive, to be honest.”

“Maybe it's the plant food,” Dan joked. 

“Probably, it’s really good for them you know. All plants need macronutrients and micronutrients in order to survive, which they generally get from the air and soil, but when you bring plants indoors and put them in pots, then they end up running out of nutrients and slowly wither and die.”

“Seriously? It actually takes effort to look after plants?” Dan asked, “I thought that they just sat there in their pot and grew.” 

“No, they need those nutrients, and without them they’ll suffer. There’s actually a law, you know, called Liebig’s law of the minimum, which states that the rate of growth is directly affected by the quantity of the scarcest resource.”

“That sounds… fascinating,” Dan lied. “Besides, isn’t that just common sense? Why was that made into a law?”

“Listen, Daniel, it’s a law because that guy said so, so be quiet and accept it,” Phil said and if it weren’t for the fact that he was the oldest of the two of them, Dan would have imagined that he was sticking out his tongue. 

“Alright then. According to Daniel’s law of Skylines, the sky is always blue unless it’s not,” Dan declared. 

“You’re an idiot,” Dan heard Phil say between bouts of laughter. Was it weird that he felt a sense of satisfaction knowing that he had been the one to cause that laughter? That was normal though, friends made their friends laugh and felt good about doing so. 

That made him pause. 

When had Phil become a friend rather than the person whom he was using to try and grab his ticket to freedom? Could he still use Phil if they were friends, or was that crossing some invisible line that he hadn’t learned about? The dynamics of healthy human relationships were still very much a mystery to Dan, and he found it difficult to decipher the meanings behind different words and phrases. 

Friends. It was a strange thought. Dan had never had a friend before. Growing up he had been completely alone, and now that he did have someone who he classed as a friend, he wasn’t sure what the next step was; did he have to verbally request Phil’s friendship? Was it a formal question? How did he go about determining what stage their relationship was at? 

“Are we friends?” Dan asked suddenly and he regretted it when Phil’s laughter ended suddenly. 

“What?” 

“Are we-” he paused to take a breath and steady himself even though he wasn’t sure why he was so nervous,  “are we friends?”

“Of course we are, you daft I don’t tell just anyone about my plants, I’ll have you know.”

“Bullshit, I bet you’ll tell anyone who will listen.” Dan snickered. 

“You make it sound like I’m obsessed,” Phil said. 

“Aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, but that’s not the point,” Phil said.

“What is the point then?” Dan asked. 

“The point is, when I talk to other people I don’t admit that I have a bigger death rate than survival with my plants,” Phil explained. “I would never tell them that I’ve been banned from two flower shops, or that a botanist offered me lessons in plant care to try and save some green lives.”

“You’ve been banned from two flower shops?” Dan asked incredulously. 

“Is that a surprise? You know my track record with plants,” Phil replied. 

“Well, yeah obviously, but why do they know that you’re killing them?” Dan asked. “You could have said that you just have a really big house and need lots of plants to fill it.”

“That would have been a better idea,” Phil admitted, “but I’m not the best liar, and I was kind of hoping that they would give me some advice on where I was going wrong.”

“Alright, I get why you would think that for the first place that banned you, but why would you make the same mistake for the second place?” Dan asked.

“I didn’t,” Phil said, audibly pouting, “the owner of the second shop was cousins with the owner of the first, and they had heard all about me apparently. I got such an intense look of pity from him as he told me that he couldn’t sell me anything,”

“Pity in a flowershop. It sounds like a bad Agatha Christie novel.” Dan murmured. 

“It does, doesn't it?”

There was a moment of comfortable silence in which Dan found himself listening to the soft breathing coming from Phil. 

“Hey, Phil?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah?”

“Why did you answer the phone?” Dan asked. He had been debating whether to ask the question. 

“When? Tonight?” Phil asked, and Dan hummed his confirmation. “I always assume it’s going to be an emergency at this time, so I couldn’t bring myself to ignore the call.”

“That makes sense,” Dan said. He was disappointed at the answer though. He wasn’t sure why, but he supposed that it had something to do with the fact that Phil hadn’t answered because it was  _ Dan.  _

Eventually, it was time to say goodbye, and as soon as Dan hung up the phone he felt a sense of loss. The air around him felt too thick and too quiet without the easy chatter and hushed whispers that had filled the filtered night air around them. He had forgotten to tease Phil for talking to his plants, but he didn’t mind because that meant that he had a reason to call Phil again. 

Dan was awake long after Phil had hung up the phone and had probably fallen straight back to sleep. It was a strange feeling, being awake when the world was sleeping - it was almost scary. Dan realised just how vulnerable people were, especially people like him. Sometimes he had nightmares about people attempting to break into his house; it happened all the time around the world, and sure it was devastating when it happened, but Dan was very much conscious of the fact that if someone chose his house to break into then they weren’t only going to steal possessions; they could quite possibly steal his life away too by breaking that barrier between Dan and the germ filled outdoors. 

Maybe that was part of the reason why he liked to stay awake all night. It didn’t seem logical as even through the day he was the only one home, but daylight brought with it a  false sense of security  which fooled him into thinking that he was safer.  Night time was much more dangerous, everyone knew that. Even in hospitals the death rate was higher during the night than it was during the day. 

Another reason he was hesitant to sleep at night was because of the dark itself. Dan liked horror movies and scary games because they filled him with adrenaline and made him thrive on the high intensity of being forced to imagine the unexpected horrors that could jump out at him. Unfortunately when the lights were off, Dan’s mind went into overdrive, and he often found himself overthinking things and seeing shadows in the darkness, so , really, it was just easier to stay up until the sun rose. It wasn’t that he was scared, he was just making the most of his time while the world was asleep and there was no one hogging the internet and making things run slower. 

So it wasn't unusual for Dan to spend the early hours of the morning sitting by the window to watch the sunrise, but he was surprised to see a certain someone leaving his house at 5:30am. Dan frowned and stepped back a fraction just incase Phil decided to glance up.

Dan couldn't understand it; Phil had told him that he didn't have anywhere to be early. He had said that it was alright to chat with Dan. Why would he lie about that? Why would he stay up to talk to Dan while knowing that he was going to have to leave the house at such a ridiculously early hour?

It made his head spin alarmingly in a way that made him wonder whether he was getting sick again, but he also felt that fluttery feeling in his stomach and he knew that he wasn’t sick, he was just confused. Although he couldn't put his finger on what exactly he was confused about. 

Not that it mattered. He could deal with those feelings some other time. He knew one thing for sure, and that was that Phil was his friend. It may not seem like much, but to Dan it meant the world.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, i hope you enjoyed <333 
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr @philscurls 
> 
> i love you all


	6. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to the amazing @snowbunnylester for beta reading this! ilysm elizajane <333

The Stargazer Lilies had died and been replaced within the week, and in their place on the window sill were a few aesthetically arranged roses. Dan couldn't deny that they were pretty, a soft yellow that darkened into a velvety red at the tips of the petals, but part of Dan had grown attached to the previous flowers that had brightened the dull grey street outside, and he missed them. 

Dan wasn't too worried about the ugly roses in Phil’s window though as he wasn’t expecting them to live very long. The great thing about the so called ‘Plant Whisperer’ was that he managed to talk his flowers into an early grave. Dan was pretty sure that the owners of the flower shops who had banned Phil had the right idea, because the man was a danger to nature itself. It was like the movies that Dan used to watch when he was younger; in them the evil character  was always distinguishable by the way that plants withered and died around them as they walked, their path characterised by the death of all living things, which would be funny except that no matter how hard he tried, Dan couldn’t see Phil as the evil character  of anything.

Dan had never been in a room with Phil, but part of him just knew that there was nothing intimidating about the man who tried his hardest to fill his home with flowers, but ultimately ended up failing. All Phil really wanted was to make sure that there was life filling every room, and it would have been endearing if not for the nature massacre that was taking place within the unsuspecting walls of the house over the road. 

“I’m just about to leave for work soon, sweetie, are you sure you’re feeling well enough to be alone?” Dan’s mother asked as she popped her head into his room. 

“I’ve told you a billion times, I’ll be fine.” Dan said; his patience with his mother was beginning to wear thin as she had been a bit overbearing over the past few days, fluttering about in Dan’s personal space and trying to do everything that she could for him. 

It was frustrating. Sure Dan had been ill, but he had recovered. He was feeling better, and maybe he still had a vague weakness about him as he did after every time he fell ill, but he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He wasn't a baby, and there was no need for his mother to flap about him as though he were unable to even take a sip of water without having the glass held up to his lips. 

“I’m just worried, honey. I want you to be safe,” she said. Dan had heard her say it a million times already, but it still made him roll his eyes. 

“I’m as safe as I can be,” Dan said, rolling his eyes. “You should go to work. You’ve taken enough time off for me already, I’m. not the only ill person you know, and I bet the hospital is missing you as a doctor.”

She really had taken more than enough time off, and she’d made sure to tell Dan every single day about how much they were going to struggle to pay their bills the following month. At one point she had even brought up the fact that she was the sole breadwinner of the house and that Dan was essentially just a layabout. It was confusing in many ways as Dan wanted nothing more than to be able to get a job, but whenever he mentioned it, he would nearly have his head bitten off. 

So basically Dan was at a loss. His mother wanted him to stay home and safe without taking any risks that could cause his death, but she also wanted to make him feel guilty for not being able to work. It was frustrating on far too many levels, and Dan just wanted to scream at her. 

“Alright, then,” his mother said with a deep breath, “I trust you.”

She trotted over to him, her heels clacking against the wooden floor of his bedroom as she made her way over to him. Dan was confused at his sudden strange urge to push her away as she kissed him on top of his head and whispered a goodbye. He was suspicious of how caring she’d been acting since he’d fallen ill, almost as though she were constantly trying to reassure herself that he was alive and well. 

It was more than that though, Dan thought. Her words were vaguely manipulative, and the way she had said ‘I trust you’ made him think that it wasn't that she trusted him to survive at home alone, it was more of a thinly veiled threat not to contact Phil. 

Not that he was going to listen to that. The second he heard the signature sound of his mother’s car starting up, he jumped to his feet and raced to the window just in time to see his mother's car pull away. A flicker of movement in the distance caught the corner of his eye. 

Phil. 

He was standing at his window watching Dan’s mother drive away too. Seeing him standing there drove Dan crazy in an unexplainable way. Dan felt as though he wanted to reach out and take Phil’s hand, but that made no sense because Phil was his friend and hand holding was a couple thing according to most movies. Could friends hold hands? Dan liked to think that they could, even though that wouldn't apply to Dan regardless. He would never be able to hold Phil’s hand because that would mean inviting Phil into his house and forcing Phil to go through the entire process of decontamination, which would make it impossible for Dan to keep his secret. 

In short, their friendship would go down in history as the closest long distance friendship of all time.

It was almost instantaneous; Dan’s mother’s car disappeared from sight, and then Dan’s phone started ringing. 

“Hey you.” Phil’s voice was so familiar to Dan, it scared him. He didn't think it should have been possible for a person’s voice to cause him to relax so completely. 

“Hey Mr Plant Killer,” Dan replied fondly, not even realising that his mood had changed almost as soon as he’d heard Phil’s voice. The stress of his mother’s pandering was finally gone, and all he was left with was the light feeling of Phil’s company.

“I’m not a plant killer! You have to stop calling me that, you’ll make people suspicious,” Phil protested. 

“Who would be suspicious?” Dan asked, snickering at the thought of anyone actually listening in on their conversations when Dan couldn't leave the house and Phil lived alone.

“The government? I don't know, there's always someone listening, you can't fight it,” Phil said. 

“Alright, moving on from the conspiracy theories that might get us murdered, I think that has to be a record or something,” Dan said, smiling even though Phil couldn't see it. “My mother was barely out the drive before you called.”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Phil said, and Dan could almost hear him shrugging. 

“Well that’s good, because I kind of wanted to talk to you too,” Dan mumbled. 

“Kind of?” Phil asked. “So you kind of didn't want to speak to me at the same time?”

“What? No,” Dan said quickly, slightly too quickly he felt, although he wasn't sure what the significance of answering too quickly was. 

“Alright then,” Phil said with a small laugh that made a hot flush run up Dan’s neck. 

“Why are you laughing at me?” Dan asked. 

“I’m not laughing  _ at  _ you,” Phil said, “I’m just amused.”

“At what?”

“I’ll explain it to you some other time,” Phil said, “I promise, but for now I have a question.”

“Alright,” Dan said hesitantly, sensing the change in Phil’s tone that suggested that this was not going to be the sort of question that he wanted to answer.

“Why do I have to wait until your mum goes to work to call you? Wait, why do I have to call you? Why can’t I come to the window again and see you in person?” Phil asked with a knowing edge to his voice that created a small pit of worry in Dan’s stomach as he tried to reassure himself that there was nothing going on other than Phil’s own curiosity. 

They were all good questions. It was just a shame that Dan didn't know how to answer them, nor did he know how to explain to Phil that he couldn't answer them. There was just so much going on in his mind, and so many questions and answers that fell around him like jigsaw pieces, except none of the pieces fit together and they were cluttering up the space around him in a mess of impossibilities. 

“Dan?” Phil prompted. 

“Sorry, I’m just thinking.”

“About what? An excuse?” Phil asked. The words sounded harsh to Dan’s ears, but they hadn't been. Phil’s words had been honest and true. Dan  _ had  _ been trying to think up a good excuse about why they were no longer able to meet each other in person. 

“No, I was just-” Dan paused. Was there any point in lying? Phil knew that whatever came out of Dan’s mouth was going to be as far from the truth as possible, and so did Dan, so what was the point in them ignoring that? 

“You were just?”

“I was trying to think of a lie,” Dan admitted. 

“Does this also come under the umbrella of that thing that I’ll never know about?” Phil asked.

“Yes, but please, don’t ask me any more questions,” Dan requested. 

“Alright. I’ll leave it be for now, but please Dan, know that you can trust me with anything.”

Was that true? Dan wanted to think so, but the truth was that even though he had faith that Phil wouldn't spill any secrets, that wasn't his main problem. 

“Phil, I want to tell you the truth… Well, I’m not sure if I do, maybe thats a lie too,” Dan said, stumbling over his words as he tried to say what he wanted to say without giving anything away, “I don't want to tell you the truth because I know that if I do, then things will change.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that if I tell you the truth then there’s a chance that you’ll change how you treat me, and I can't handle that,” Dan admitted. 

“What if it wouldn't?” Phil asked. 

“Wait, what?”

“What if I knew the truth and it didn't change a thing?” Phil asked. 

“You can’t promise that,” Dan said, wondering for a moment if maybe he could, “I know that it seems like an easy thing to say and maybe you genuinely mean it, but there’s a difference between promising something, and coming through.”

“I understand that, I really do,” Phil said. 

“I don't know what you want from me,” Dan admitted, feeling weak as he confessed his inability to read other people.

“I just want you to know that you can trust me. I want you to understand that I’m not going to be like those people who’ve left you behind in the past.”

“You want me to know that you’re not like other guys?”

“You can't say that Dan,” Phil said through muffled giggles, “at least not right now, because you don't know the meaning behind that saying and it’s making me want to laugh in the middle of this serious conversation.”

“I’m sorry.” Dan murmured feeling guilty for saying something that was obviously inappropriate according to Phil’s reaction. 

“You don't need to apologise, don't you get it?”

“No, Phil, I don't get it at all. Could you please enlighten me?” Dan asked with as much snark as he could muster. 

“I have never judged you. Never. Throughout everything that we’ve been through in the short time that we’ve known each other, throughout all the confusing things that you’ve said, throughout your week long silence that you refused to explain properly; everything that you’ve said to me has been a lie and I’ve accepted it all, and never judged you.”

“That’s different,” Dan said weakly.

“How so?”

“Because you never knew the full story to judge me on,” Dan said, and he was surprised to find that his throat was tightening with emotion.

“I do know that full story,” Phil said simply, 

“What?”

“I know the full story, Dan, or at least I think I do,” Phil admitted. 

“You don't know anything.” Dan murmured, his voice hoarse as he tried to speak passed the sudden lump in his throat. 

“I think that you have some sort of condition that means that you can’t leave your house,” Phil said, speaking quietly but surely. 

“Shut up.” Dan said and he was pleased to hear that he sounded more firm, even though there was the crippling feeling that his world was falling apart from beneath his feet.

“I think that it's a really dangerous condition, and I think that maybe when you were ill the other day, it was because of that and not whatever lie you fed me,” Phil said. 

“Shut up, Phil, please.” Dan pleaded as he wished for Phil to stop talking and to take everything back so that they could continue talking happily as they previously had been.

“Dan. Listen, I’ve known this for a while now and I’ve done some research about different possible conditions, and while I don't know exactly what you have ,I reckon that it has something to do with your immune system?”

“For fuck’s sake Phil, just stop,” Dan shouted. 

His outburst was met by a thick silence, and Dan took a moment to himself to think. He was struggling to put a name to the emotions that were coursing through him; everything in his body felt as though it had come to life, and there seemed to be some sort of electricity thrumming through him. He almost would have said that it was adrenaline, but there was also a weird feeling of weakness that had never before accompanied Dan’s adrenaline rushes. 

Was he going to be sick? Was he going to cry? Anything seemed like a possibility in that moment. He was vaguely aware of Phil calling his name, but it sounded like a faint ringing in his ears which he was trying his hardest to tune out as he tried to process what was happening. 

Phil had guessed the truth. 

How had Phil guessed the truth so perfectly? Dan took a deep breath and tried to reason it out - it wasn't impossible to figure out; he never left the house, he had been ill, he had no people skills.  Honestly, Dan couldn't fully blame him for coming to the correct realisation, but that wasn't going to change the fact that he was pissed. 

If Dan was anything, it was stubborn. 

“Dan?”

“Not now, Phil.” 

How was it that they could so easily go from playful banter to a conversation that made Dan wish that he wasn't ill so that he could leave his house and throttle Phil?  

“Dan, I’m just trying to explain that-”

“When did I become a puzzle to you rather than a person, Phil?”

“You’re not a puzzle, I promise you-”

“No,” Dan said harshly, cutting his friend off again. Could Phil even still be called his friend?

“Listen. You need to stop and listen now,” Phil said, and his tone had changed from being gentle and reassuring, to  harsh and with an undertone that compelled Dan to listen.

“Alright,” Dan muttered, feeling rather put out that he was being spoken to as though he were a child.

“I’m not treating you any differently. You’re the one who is trying to force me into slipping up and saying something wrong so that you can lump me in with all the other people in your life that have wronged you. At the end of the day, you want to be treated with respect, but when you get it, you’re not sure how to handle it. So you lash out, just like you are now. You want me to say something wrong so that you can have an excuse to cut me out, because you don't know how to be vulnerable.”

“Fuck you, I’m vulnerable every day of my life. Don’t tell me that I don’t know what that feels like,” Dan snarled down the phone. Somehow Phil was hitting all of his buttons. 

“You’re not.”

“What the hell do you know? You don't have to live with this,” Dan said. 

“No I don’t, but you’re the one trying to insist you have to live with it on your own,” Phil said. 

“I don’t want to talk about this.” 

“We can’t ignore the elephant in the room.”

“Elephant?” Dan asked. 

“Nevermind, it’s just a saying.” Phil said, sounding as calm as if they had been discussing the weather. “Look, I get it. You want to be treated like a normal person. You don't want special treatment, and you don't  want my pity.”

“Right,” Dan agreed, surprised that Phil actually knew what was important.

“I’m not talking to you because I want to baby you and treat you like glass. I’m talking to you because I like you.”

“I like you too,” Dan admitted. “You’re the first friend I’ve ever had.”

“That’s not really what I was going for, but honestly, you’re a great person Dan, and just because you have this thing that’s holding you back doesn't mean that you have to isolate yourself.”

“Yes it does.”

“Alright,, maybe you have to  _ physically  _ isolate yourself, but you can have friends and family too,” Phil said. “You can let people get close to you emotionally.”

“It’s not that easy,” Dan muttered. 

“No, I never said that it would be easy, but it is possible.”

“I hate you,” Dan muttered. 

“No you don't,” Phil said softly. 

“No, I don't, but I am angry with you,” Dan said, sounding more tired than angry, but it wasn't the sort of tired that could be solved with a nap; it was the sort of tired that was felt in a person’s soul, the sort that made it hard to get out of bed and the sort that made food taste bland and like cardboard. “You think that you can just storm into my life and change my perspectives.”

“You invited me into you life, remember? Besides, if we kept the same perspective from adolescence to death then there would never be any progression in humanity and the world would be an unforgiving place to live, filled with misery and judgement.”

“Stop being so philosophical,” Dan said, “I’m trying to be mad.”

“Trying being the operative term,” Phil said. “You’re not very good at being angry at people, or maybe I’m just irresistible.”

“I’ve never had anyone to really properly be mad at before. It’s harder than I thought it would be.”

“Really?” Phil groaned.

“What?” Dan asked. 

“Nothing, you’re just you.” 

“Is that bad?”

“Not even a little bit. You make things interesting.”

“This sounds like you're insulting me,” Dan said sounding suspicious.

“Far from it,” Phil said, and Dan could almost imagine that he was smiling as though the conversation were amusing him.

“You confuse me,” Dan admitted.

“In what way?” 

“I’m not sure. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s confusing in a way I don't understand,” Dan admitted.

“Hey, Dan? Don't say any more,” Phil said. “ Just trust me on this one. Just think about it for a while, and you’ll thank me for stopping you.”

“I don't understand,” Dan said. 

“Exactly. I don't want you to say something that you don't mean,” Phil said. 

“You’re such a frustrating person, you know? Like you say that you’ll teach me all I need to know about talking to people, and then you tell me that I have to think about things when I don't know what I’m meant to be thinking about.”

“Please, Dan, trust me. This is something that you need to work out for yourself. It would only cause problems if I tried to explain this one to you.”

“You’re an ass,” Dan muttered. “I’m adding this to the list of reasons why I’m mad at you.”

“There’s a list now?”

“There was always a list,” Dan said. 

“Sure there was. So what’s on the list?”

“Nosy, perceptive, annoying, and rambly.”

“Wow, what an extensive list,” Phil muttered. 

“It can be expanded on, like those wikipedia articles that ask for people to add to them. Maybe I could put this list on Wikipedia and ask people to add to the list of reasons why you’re a pain in my ass.”

“I could think of another to add.”

“What?”

“Nope, I’m not saying it out loud,” Phil snickered. 

“Phil,” Dan whined, dragging out the vowel to emphasize his frustration. “Don’t be a dick.”

Dan revelled in the sound of Phil’s baritone laugh, and what made it all the sweeter was that he was the one who had caused it by insulting the guy. He literally had made Phil laugh because he had called him a dick. Was that a normal thing for friends to do? Was it normal for people to laugh when they were insulted? Was that just another one of those things that Dan didn't understand? 

“Why is that funny?” Dan asked. 

“Because coming from you, that doesn't sound like you're trying to be mean,” Phil explained. 

Dan thought about it for a second and realised that Phil was right; he wasn't actually trying to be mean at all, and he wasn't aiming to hurt him. The way that the word fell from his lips made it sound more like a term of endearment. Was that even possible? To use an insult as a fond nickname?

“I guess I wasn’t.”

“You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?” Phil asked with an exasperated laugh. 

“What? Am I doing something bad?” Dan asked in a panic. Had he really been offending Phil the entire time that they had been talking? 

“No, nothing bad. Not in the traditional sense at least,” Phil said. 

“Then what do you mean?” Dan asked, beginning to feel frustrated that he was feeling so lost in the conversation. 

“It's part of that thing that you need to reflect on,” Phil said. 

“Has anyone ever told you how frustrating you are?” Dan asked.

“I have a vague idea,” Phil said.

“Good, because you really are annoying,” Dan muttered. “If I could go outside without dying then I would punch you.”

It was the first time that Dan had actually admitted it in a sense, and he heard a shaky breath on the other end of the line as he paused for a second to assess how he was feeling about admitting that leaving his home could kill him. 

It was strangely freeing. He had expected to feel a solid lump in his stomach as though it would pull him down through the crust of the earth and straight into hell where he would be constantly taunted by his own weaknesses, but that feeling never came, and instead. Dan found himself feeling lighter, as though telling Phil his secret had helped to share the burden of it. 

He supposed that the old saying really was true; a problem shared was a problem halved, and if Dan could let more of his problems become halved then maybe everything would feel a little more manageable. Not that he wanted to focus on that; Phil wasn't a magic problem solver, he was a friend, and even though Dan wanted to believe that he would be there for him throughout anything, there was no way that he could guarantee it. He didn't want to say anything that was just that little bit too far and would make Phil backtrack at a rapid pace. 

“Well next time my clumsiness decides to screw with me, then I’ll imagine that karma is doing you a favour and kicking my behind,” Phil joked, and Dan could have kissed him. His easy acceptance of the life changing condition that Dan had was refreshing. He wasn't acting as though Dan was going to drop dead at any moment, or telling him that he should never go outside; instead he was making jokes and acting as though it was a common thing that he had to face.

“I don't know if that would be as satisfying,” Dan said with a teasing edge. 

They joked back and forth for a while longer before Phil announced that he had to leave for work, and Dan felt his heart sink. Of course Phil had to go to work. He was a healthy adult who was fully capable of holding down a job and had bills to pay. Why wouldn't he need to go to work? 

Dan felt like a dog. He felt like he was nothing more than a pet that was forced to stay home alone, unable to escape, just waiting for it’s owner to return and give it the attention it wanted. That was Dan, alone and waiting until Phil was there to give him some much needed company. 

Later that evening, Dan found himself lying despondently in his bed as he tried to figure out what it was that Phil wanted him to think about. Apparently, he needed to come to realisations by himself, but how could he do that if he had no idea what Phil wanted him to work out? 

Phil. Just his name sent weird feelings trembling through Dan, strange inexplicable feelings that enticed him in many ways. 

Could it be that he was beginning to feel more than friendship for Phil? Was that possible? Dan’s mind instantly repelled the idea as it wasn't right. Dan couldn't have a relationship with Phil because that would mean touching and kissing and probably having sex at some point, and that couldn't happen because Dan was ill. Dan wasn't able to have that sort of contact.

Dan wished that he could explain to someone the pain of having his condition, of constantly living in fear and worrying about each day and what it would bring to him, and he was one of the lucky ones. Many children died before they had a diagnosis because they or their parents were passed off as being hypochondriacs, or the parents were accused of doing something wrong which meant that in the time that it took for the parents to be investigated, the child was becoming more and more poorly which resulted in bad outcomes for everyone. 

But maybe if Dan was lucky enough to make it to his current age, then why couldn't he be lucky enough to have someone who loved him? No, that was ridiculous, why was he thinking about love? He barely even had a crush on Phil, barely? That insinuated there was something there. 

Dan had never been more confused in all his life. Did he have a crush on Phil? Was that what he was feeling? Was that what Phil had wanted him to think about? If it was, then did that mean that Phil was also feeling a similar way? Why would he say such a thing if he didn't? 

Dan wasn't sure what was going on in the slightest, but he knew that there was something happening and that that something was terrifyingly tempting. He was freefalling into something that was threatening to consume his entire being, but he didn't think that he wanted to stop it and catch himself before he fell too far. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me on tumblr @philscurls and let me know what you thought!! also drop @snowbunnylester a nice message on tumblr for all the hard work that she's done beta reading this <3
> 
> hope you enjoyed!! the plan is to get back to weekly updates now!! :)


	7. A Day in the Life of Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my lovely beta @snowbunnylester

“Look, I know how these things work, so you just go back into the back room there and get me the pencils I want.” 

“I’ll have another look, ma’am,” Phil said with forced politeness as he briefly considered walking to another shop to buy the pencils that the woman wanted just so he could stab his own eardrums with them and he didn't have to continue listening to her nasally voice. 

“You’d better,” she said, her voice carrying across the small stationary store and drawing the attention of browsing customers. “I’ll be speaking to your higher ups if you try to lie to me boy.”

“Well, you’ll still be speaking to me,” Phil muttered under his breath as he made his way back into the store room trying to drone out her nasally complaints to fellow shoppers. 

Why did Phil’s coworker have to call in sick on this particular day? Why had he been left alone on the shop floor with no one willing to pick up a few extra hours of overtime so that he wasn't on his own against the bloodthirsty public? Why didn't he just close up early and go home? Right, because he had bills to pay. 

Phil wasn't really sure what the woman expected. Did she think that he was back into a room that was stocked with an excess supply of everything that had ever been on the shop floor? Did she think he was walking into Willy Wonka’s World of Stationary? He wasn't; the store room was almost empty with just a few unopened boxes of poorly selling products. It was only a few days more until inventory  would be delivered, which meant that there was absolutely no chance that the pencils that the woman wanted would be here. 

So Phil took full advantage of the woman’s rudeness and plonked himself down on a box in the corner, pulling out his phone. He had a few minutes to spare if he wanted the woman to believe that he was actually searching thoroughly, and if anyone wanted to attempt to steal something in his absence then let them - Phil couldn't care less in that moment.

His heart sped up as he noticed a text notification. There were a few people who could have sent it, but there was only one person who Phil wanted to speak to. 

**Dan:** i’m pretty sure i can see your plants dying from here

**Phil:** NOOOO save them pls!!!!

**Dan:** omg you dingus how can i save them?

**Phil:** My poor plants :( 

**Dan:** you want me to die to save your plants? 

**Phil:** I really love my plants 

Phil looked at the little bubble as Dan typed and wondered what he could be thinking as he typed for so long and apparently erased the message and started again. 

**Dan:** wow couldve fooled me with your serial killer tendencies 

**Phil:** ;P

**Phil:**  :P*

**Phil:** Stop distracting me I’m at work 

**Dan:** texting on the job? i’m disappointed in you

**Phil:** Meanie

Phil realised that he had been hiding in the store room for over five minutes now, and he quickly locked his phone and shoved it in his pocket. He plastered on his most apologetic expression, and walked back out to see the woman staring at her watch as she clucked her tongue and shook her head in an exaggerated motion as though hoping that people would notice and look at her with sympathy. 

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but there aren’t any more of those particular pencils in store,” Phil said with the patience of a saint. “I can order more in online from another one of our stores for you if you wish, or if you come back in a week we’ll have had another delivery.”

“This is ridiculous,” the woman hollered, “this is a  _ stationary  _ store. How can it possibly not have the pencils I want?”

“I really am sorry,” Phil lied. The truth was he didn't really care at all about whether the shop had what she wanted or not. “Would you like me to order them in for you?”

“No, I saw that Hobbycraft had them in, I’ll go there,” she said huffily.

Phil took a deep breath to steady himself and stop himself from screaming in frustration. He wanted to ask her why she hadn't just gone there in the first place? Why had she made him ‘search’ the back for the damn pencils if she knew that she could quite easily go somewhere else with even less hassle? 

People like her frustrated him because there was absolutely no reason for any of the drama that she had caused. The only upside was that he had been given an opportunity to talk to Dan for a brief few minutes. Not that he cared that it was only a few minutes - any time spent talking to Dan was time well spent in Phil’s opinion. 

He would happily spend as much time as possible in Dan’s company. Was that even the right term for it? In Dan’s company implied that he was actually physically near Dan, which couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, the closest that Phil had ever been to Dan was when they’d had a glass pane between them. 

Nothing hurt more than the fact that that may be the closest that Phil could ever get to Dan - except now that Dan’s mother had found out what they had been doing, he couldn't even get that close. He could only text and call Dan, and nothing was more frustrating because he was addicted now.

Dan’s presence was like a drug, and talking to him left Phil intoxicated and wishing for more. When he couldn't talk to him, he felt as though he were going through withdrawal, and waiting for the moment when he knew he was going to get his next fix. Dan was dangerous, and Phil didn't care. 

“Hello, I have four sketchpads here but I need to pay for each one separately.” Phil was wrenched out of his thoughts by a tall man plonking the sketchbooks down on the countertop. 

Dan was tall too, Phil remembered as he started scanning the first book.

“How’s your day going?” Phil asked, making the usual inane chit chat that was expected of him. He’d rather be asking Dan how his day was going, even though he was perfectly aware that Dan’s answer would always be the same old ‘I can’t leave the house and I’ve been playing Guild Wars 2 all day. I’m living the edgy teenage dream,’ to which Phil would wonder how he had come to the conclusion that  _ that  _ was the edgy teenage dream. He hadn't asked Dan that though. He’d rather not know to be honest. 

From the sounds of it, Dan spent a lot of time browsing the internet, and honestly Phil could see why. If he had to spend his entire life inside, he would probably also spend the majority of his time online. 

Which posed another question. If Dan spent so much time on the internet, why was he so clueless about so many different things? How was it that someone who had the entire world’s worth of information and time at his fingertips knew nothing? Why was Dan so intelligent in some ways, but so naive in others?

“Thank you, have a nice day,” Phil said in a monotone as he wished he was anywhere other than his work.

“I have four children to four different women, do you think I’m going to have a good day?” the man asked before grabbing his four shopping bags - because of course they had to be packaged separately - and storming out of the shop. 

“Alright, then,” Phil muttered to himself, “I’m sorry I asked.”

Finally Phil finished work a good hour later than he should have. He was tired, his head was pounding, and there was a throbbing pain behind his eyes. In short - Phil was exhausted, he was ready for his bed, and nothing was going to get between him and sleep. 

Except less than five minutes after he’d walked into his house and dumped his keys on the kitchen bench, his phone rang. Just like that, as Dan’s name popped up on Phil’s screen, his tiredness disappeared and he found himself grinning at his screen as he accepted the call. 

“Wow, you just couldn't wait to speak to me, could you?” Phil teased. 

Over the past few weeks since Phil had found out about Dan’s illness, he had noticed that they were growing closer; it was easier to fill the silences with easy, playful banter now, and when neither of them could be bothered to talk, the silence was comfortable and didn't  _ need  _ to be filled with inane conversation. 

“Being unable to go anywhere or talk to anyone other than my mother can get a bit lonely. I would have talked to the postman if I’d been allowed, don't let it go to your head,” Dan said lightheartedly. 

“Well, I’ll make sure that Geoffrey knows that you want to talk to him. Maybe he’ll stop by the window like I once did,” Phil said. 

“Alright, who the fuck is Geoffery?” Dan asked, and Phil thought that maybe there was a tinge of jealousy in his voice, but maybe that was just wishful thinking. 

“Geoffrey is the postie,” Phil said, as though it should have been obvious. 

“Of course you would know him,” Dan muttered, “I swear you’d talk to a lamp post if you thought that it could hold a decent conversation with you.”

“First of all, don't attack me like that, and second of all, Geoffrey is actually really nice. He was telling me about how he’s been a postie on these streets for nearly thirty years now,” Phil said. 

The thing was, Geoffrey had never known that Dan existed, not that Phil was about to tell him that. Dan had enough existential moments without Phil adding fuel to the fire.  

“Sure, maybe I’ll start talking to Geoffrey rather than you, then. He probably has some insane stories from his years walking the streets,” Dan said, and Phil couldn't help but burst out into laughter. 

“Dan, no no, Dan, no,” he said through bursts of giggles. 

“What?” Dan asked, “What did I say this time?”

“Walking the streets is like a way to say working as a prostitute,” Phil said, laughing. 

“Maybe he does that too. Let’s not judge Geoffrey,” Dan replied, deadpan. 

“Of course, poor Geoffrey,” Phil agreed, stifling his own giggles to match Dan’s tone of voice. 

Now Phil would be faced with the image of his elderly postman dressed as a prostitute working the streets every time that they spoke, or maybe he could just avoid speaking to him altogether to save them both from the inevitable awkward situation. 

“So, how was work?” Dan asked, changing the subject. 

“It was work,” Phil muttered before remembering that Dan wouldn't understand what exactly he meant by that. “It sucked. People can be really rude sometimes, and it feels like they’re being purposefully awkward, as though they get some sort of sick satisfaction from making my life ten times more difficult.”

“Maybe being trapped in my house is better than dealing with all those idiots,” Dan said. 

That was something else that had shocked Phil at first; Dan’s strangely dark humour when it came to his illness. It was almost like a coping mechanism, and if it wasn't for the fact that Phil knew how much Dan needed that coping mechanism then he would have addressed it for what it really was. 

Sometimes it worried Phil how easily Dan would joke about death and how meaningless his life was, because there was definitely a hint of truth in his words and while it may not have been an outright cry for help, Phil still couldn't help but feel slightly concerned. 

He didn't want to say anything though, because then Dan could retaliate with a comment about how he’d known that Phil would begin to treat him differently once he knew about his condition. That left Phil in an awkward position, because he had so many questions and no answers to them. Dan had been letting little things slip, and so Phil was aware that Dan suffered from something called Severe Combined Immunodeficiency, but he was confused as it didn't make  _ sense.  _

After finding out about Dan’s official diagnosis, he had started to do research on it and he had found that there was a lot of little facts that didn't really add up. 

The thing about the disease that Dan had was that it could be treated. There was a few options, the main one being a bone marrow transplant, or so Phil had read. If a child with SCID received a bone marrow transplant, then they could in theory go on to live a relatively normal life. They could go to school, they could get jobs, have lives. They could mingle in society with other people, and no one would know that they had been born without an immune system unless they specifically mentioned it. 

So why was Dan in his house? Why wasn't he out there in the world, living his life?

Everything about Dan’s life screamed ‘bubble boy.’ Phil had read all about the child who had lived his entire life in a bubble because he suffered from the same disease as Dan did. He had died at a young age, and had never known anything but his plastic bubble cage. It was incredibly sad to think about, but what was even worse was imagining Dan living in that same situation even though there had been advancements that meant he didn't  _ have  _ to live like that. 

“I don't know about that. I’d rather have you out here with me,” Phil replied, realising that he hadn't said anything after getting lost in his thoughts. 

“I’d like that,” Dan admitted. 

The way that Dan had said that sentence made Phil groan internally with frustration. Didn't he realise the hold that he had over him? It was confusing, even for Phil because he couldn't help but think about the possibility that someday he could hold Dan’s hand. 

Someday he could hug Dan, maybe even kiss him? No, that was too far, Dan was young and naive. He had no experience of relationships or even friendships. Phil had told Dan to think over some things in the hopes that Dan may be feeling the same way as he was, but Dan had never gotten back to him, which either meant he didn't know enough about those sorts of feelings to notice what was happening, or he just didn't feel that way at all and his flirty jokes were just jokes that he didn't realise were coming across as flirty. In the end, Dan probably didn't even realise that he was flirting at all. 

So Phil was at a loss, because he was falling hard and fast for the boy across the road who didn't feel the same way, nor did he understand how to feel the same way. 

“Do you think maybe one day we could meet in person?” Phil asked tentatively, and he was ashamed to admit that maybe he was scared of the answer. 

“I don't know,” Dan said, “you visiting me is complicated.”

“How so?” 

“Well, you’d have to go through the entire decontamination process,” Dan said, “That can be a bit daunting and I’ve never had to go through the decontamination process really, because I can't leave the house so I wouldn't be able to talk you through it. We’d need my mother, and there's no chance that she would let you in here.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too risky,” Dan said. 

“In what way? She works in a hospital, right? Isn't that more dangerous for you than I am?” Phil asked. “She literally works with ill people and people with contagious illnesses.”

“That’s not the same,” Dan said sounding as unsure as Phil felt.

“Isn’t it?” 

“No, there’s other factors to take into account too,” Dan decided. 

“Such as?” Phil was aware that he should just leave it and accept that he couldn't meet Dan, but he didn't want to. It was all slightly too suspicious, and he wasn't ready to let it go. 

“I think that part of her might be scared that if I get close to you, then I’ll leave her,” Dan admitted. 

Phil faltered for a second, his reply dwindling and dying on his tongue. Did Dan not realise how that sounded? Well, honestly, he probably didn't if he had been raised in an environment that portrayed that as normal behaviour. Therefore, confronting the situation would need to be done with a great deal of sensitivity. 

Dan would have to come to certain realisations all on his own, which meant that Phil would have to be very careful what he said. Dan would side with his mother throughout everything, which meant that Phil couldn't tell him that his mother’s way of thinking was incredibly wrong without risking ostracizing Dan himself, because if he lost Dan, then he couldn't be by his side supporting him through things. 

“Shouldn’t she want you to leave?” Phil asked, before forcing a laugh and making a joke so that Dan wouldn't think that he was getting too suspicious, “I mean, my mum couldn't wait until I moved out. She said that the stench of boys was overwhelming her home.”

“The stench of boys?”

“Yeah, well I mean there was me, my brother, and my dad in the house, and she was the only girl, so we outnumbered her and she would complain that we stank the place up.” Phil said. “She was joking, of course.”

“Do you miss your mum?” Dan asked suddenly, taking Phil by surprise.

“I do. I talk to her every day,” Phil admitted. 

“Can I confess something to you?” Dan asked, his voice dropping low, causing Phil to worry for a moment about what he was about to hear and whether he actually  _ wanted  _ to know whatever it was that Dan was about to reveal. 

“Of course,” Phil murmured, hoping that the uncertainty in his voice was well hidden. He had promised to be there for Dan which meant that maybe he would hear some things that would scare him, but he would still stand by his friend. 

“I don’t miss my mother,” Dan said quietly, even though Phil knew that they wouldn't be talking to each other if anyone was home in Dan’s house and there was no chance of him being overheard. It was almost as though he were afraid of hearing the words himself rather than someone else hearing the words. “I feel like I should, because she’s my mother and I should worry about her and stuff, but I just don't.”

“That’s understandable,” Phil said, desperately trying to come up with a bullshit reassuring response on the spot to help soothe Dan. “Your mum always comes home at night, she worries about you and your health. You know that she’s always going to be there, and you know that you never have to go a day without seeing her. So maybe it’s not so strange that you don’t miss her. I know that I never missed my mum whenever she nipped out to go to the shops while I still lived at home.”

“I don’t know. I want to believe that, but I just can’t,” Dan admitted. 

“You can't?”

“I don't know, I can't explain it, it's just stuff.”

“Look, Dan, you don't have to explain anything to me,” Phil said soothingly. “You don't owe me anything, alright, just take a deep breath.”

“I don't need a deep breath, I’m fine,” Dan said, and Phil was relieved to hear the slight irritation in Dan’s voice. 

“Great. Can I ask you a question, Dan?” Phil asked hesitantly; he wasn't sure whether he wanted to ask the question, or know the answer, but he felt that it would be the easiest way to make Dan start to think about his situation.

“Go for it,” Dan said easily. 

“Why are you suddenly having these thoughts? You know, like about not missing your mum and all this stuff that you can't explain to me?” Phil asked. 

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, and Phil felt a spike of worry at how he sounded so suddenly defensive. If Dan decided to close himself off then Phil may as well go talk to one of his plants - he’d probably get more conversation that way. 

“Why is it that you’re suddenly thinking all these things?” Phil asked again. “What changed?”

“I-” Dan audibly faltered, and Phil wanted nothing more than to reach out and take his hand reassuringly, “I don’t understand.” 

The words were so simple, but the way that Dan said them made Phil’s heart skip a beat and he wanted nothing more than to be beside the younger man so that he could offer some comfort, no matter how small it may seem. 

“It’s alright,” Phil said. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have asked.”

“Asked what though? I don't know what you're trying to ask me,” Dan replied. “Why do you keep asking me to think about all of these different things? You’re so cryptic and confusing.”

“Sometimes you just have to realise these things on your own,” Phil said, “and as much as I want to explain it all to you in great detail, I just can't, because unless you learn this stuff yourself, then you’ll end up lashing out at someone.”

“I won’t lash out, I can’t. I can't leave this house,” Dan said sulkily 

“There’s ways other than physical violence to lash out at people, you know? Words can be just as harmful,” Phil said. 

“You’re annoying,” Dan muttered. 

“It’s my main skill on my CV,” Phil joked. 

“And then you go and do that,” Dan groaned. 

“Do what?”

“You make a joke or a comment and all of a sudden I’m not frustrated or annoyed any more,” Dan said. “You’re so easy to  _ like. _ ”

“I guess that’s a good thing. I’d rather not have you annoyed at me if we can prevent it,” Phil said.

“Yeah, I’d rather not be annoyed at you, so stop being so damn cryptic Lester,” Dan said. 

“Hmm, maybe one day,” Phil said, and his joke was rewarded with a peal of laughter from Dan.

Phil liked to think that he could die happy if he was dying to the sound of Dan’s laughter, it was contagious, it was obnoxious, it was unique, and Phil was in love with the sound of it. 

Phil hated that Dan’s laughter could have such a strong impact upon him. He hated the hold that the younger had over him, especially as they had never even held hands. Sometimes, Phil felt guilty for the way he felt about Dan because Dan was so immature in some senses. He felt wrong for falling for a guy who didn't even know how to form a friendship nevermind a relationship. 

That was another thing that Phil felt guilty about; how could he even think about a relationship with Dan? Dan had explicitly hinted at his sorrow that he would never be able to have a person to call his own, so then it would be downright evil of Phil to keep trying to flirt with him. To make things worse, Phil kept dropping hints and telling him to think about things, about his  _ feelings _ .

Phil knew he should stop, but he also knew that the way Dan made his heart do a flippy over thing in his chest was too addictive to let go of. Sometimes Dan would accidentally say something flirtatious or suggestive, and Phil’s mouth would go dry and all he would be able to think about was how much control Dan unknowingly had over him. 

Phil was addicted to the feelings that Dan inadvertently stirred up within him, and maybe it was selfish of him, but he never wanted that to end.

“That’s my mother pulling up, I have to go,” Dan’s voice came down the phone abruptly, and suddenly the easy, playful atmosphere was gone, as was Dan. 

“Goodbye,” Phil whispered to the dial tone, imagining that it was Dan who had heard it. 

Phil stared at his phone for a while until the screen automatically locked itself with a little click that made him jump and then laugh at himself. Dan had given him a lot to think about, and along with the ever deepening feelings Phil was feeling for Dan, he was also growing more and more suspicious, but he wasn't quite sure what of. 

It seemed as though Dan’s mum didn't want him to get better, but surely that couldn't be right? Phil sighed and ran a hand through his hair; he really wasn't qualified to deal with all of this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading :) you guys mean the world to me and all your support is what keeps me going <3  
> drop me a message on tumblr @philscurls and tell me what you thought  
> <333


	8. Everything Will Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my lovely beta @snowbunnylester <3 i love you bab

Dan hated having to hang up as soon as he heard his mother pulling up, and he wished that he could spend more time saying goodbye to Phil and telling him that Dan would call him again later if he could. He just hoped that Phil knew that - the thought that he might not realise just how much Dan wanted to talk to him was soul destroying in a way that Dan just couldn't explain. 

Dan heard the familiar sound of his mother’s heels click clacking against the kitchen tiles and slowly made his way to the top of the stairs, listening carefully to try and determine what kind of mood she was in before he went downstairs. 

Sometimes Dan would hear her humming to herself if she’d had a particularly good day at work, and those were the days he liked the most. She would ruffle his hair and declare that they were having a movie night, and rather than cooking a meal for their tea she would make masses of popcorn and pizza and they would sit together in the dark and watch whichever movie was most newly released. Dan loved those nights, but he couldn't remember the last time that they had done anything like that. He missed his mother, the one that pinched his cheeks and reminded him that he would always be her baby when he pulled away, wrinkling his nose in disgust. 

Of course those were the good days. There were also the bad days, when his mother would storm in and throw her keys on the table by the door, the harsh clattering against the wood breaking the peaceful silence and making Dan flinch and retreat into his room quietly. He didn't want to deal with his mother’s bad moods, as sometimes she would just stare blankly passed him in a terrifyingly vague way which made him feel as though she wasn't even seeing him. 

It always terrified Dan when she was in one of those moods because his mother was the only one who saw him, so if she wasn't  _ seeing  _ him then who would. Was he even real? Sometimes it didn't feel like it. Dan would stand in front of the mirror and pinch himself as he tried to convince himself that he actually existed regardless of his mother staring straight through him. 

Then there were the days between when his mother was just alright. Dan still tended to avoid her on those days because her mood could go either way and he didn't want to hang around and hope for the best only to receive the worst.

So Dan hovered on the landing, listening intently for any indication of which way her mood was going to go. It was strange, he could her her breathing heavily in the hallway, but there were no other sounds of movement, almost as if she were frozen in place. It confused Dan, but he had decided that whatever was going on, he didn’t want to know about it. Just as he was about to retreat back into his room he heard a weird thump, almost as though something or someone had dropped to the floor. 

Dan dithered for a moment. Part of him wanted to just go back into his bedroom and forget that he had ever heard anything weird, while another part knew that he had an obligation to make sure that his mother wasn't hurt. What sort of son would he be if he just left his potentially injured mother alone? He was getting ahead of himself, there was a chance that she was completely fine. 

Nevertheless, Dan found himself tiptoeing down the stairs with trepidation, only to rush and skip the last few steps as he saw his mother slumped against the wall, her head in her hands.

“Mum?” Dan asked softly, lowering his voice a little as to not startle her, almost as though he were talking to a wild animal rather than his mother. 

There was no answer, just the shuddering sound of someone trying to breath through tears. Had she even noticed that he was standing there? Dan wasn't sure, and it was unnerving, almost as though he didn't really exist in that moment unless his mother looked up and acknowledged him. 

“Are you alright?” He closed the distance between them and dropped to his knees beside his mother, wincing at the way the drop jarred his bones and made his teeth clash together, “Mum!” his final shout finally grabbed her attention.

She looked up at him as though seeing him for the first time and slowly raised a hand towards his face. A myriad of thoughts ran through Dan’s mind then, part of him wanted to flinch back and pull away, but he wasn't sure whether there would be any point. If she wanted to hurt him, there were more effective ways of doing so. 

She didn't hurt him. His mum’s hand lingered against Dan’s cheek and he could feel the way that her fingers were trembling, causing him to wonder what had happened to cause her to react in such a way. 

“Mum?” he asked again, “please, just talk to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was hoarse as though she had been crying for hours, but her face was dry.

“Sorry? You don't have anything to be sorry for,” Dan said soothingly even though a part of him acknowledged that he was lying. He just didn't know what he was silently accusing his mother of lying about. 

“I do,” she said with the desperation of a woman who was at risk of losing everything, “I’ve hurt you so much.”

“Hurt me?” Dan repeated questioningly. It made no sense. Sure she sometimes made him feel on edge and he would wonder where things had broken apart between them, but it wasn't like she went around physically beating him. 

“I just wanted you to be safe. I don't know where I went wrong.”

“I am safe. Well, as safe as someone like me can be,” Dan said, trying his best to sound lighthearted, but he couldn't shake the gnawing suspicion that was filling his stomach like lead. 

“You could have been safer if it weren’t for me,” Dan’s mother said. 

“How? Is this to do with the transplants?”

“How do you know about those?” His mother asked suddenly, her posture stiffening before his eyes and her hand falling from his cheek to grip his shoulder. It was no longer shaking; instead it was clenching onto him like a vice. 

“I-” he faltered. He didn't want to say that Phil had told him about them during one of their secret phone calls that his mother had no idea about. “I did some research.”

“What sort of research?” his mother asked, her eyes boring into his own as if she were reading his mind and learning all of his secrets. 

“Just research. Normal research that people do to learn more about their own conditions. It was something that I should have done a long time ago,” Dan said. He may have been lying about the fact that he did the research, but there was nothing but truth in his voice when he mentioned that he should have looked into it a long time ago. 

“You promised me you would never do that.” The betrayal in his mum’s voice was worse than anything else she could have said to him, but Dan wasn't going to back down now. Not this time. He had backed down so many times before and allowed his mother to make him feel guilty, but he needed the truth, and he was beginning to think that he didn't care  what the cost of it was.

“You said not to look because you didn't want me disappointing myself,” Dan said. 

Dan was beyond confused. It didn't make any sense. His life was a confusing one, he had long since accepted that fact, but now his mother was seemingly annoyed that he had found out about a possible treatment for his condition. 

“You can’t have the transplant,” his mother said. “The type of condition you have, it just wouldn't work out right. There isn't any way around it. The risks are too high. That’s why I didn’t want you getting your hopes up.”

“You’ve said that my whole life,” Dan said unable to quell the anger that was seeping into his voice. “My entire fucking life has just been ‘too much of a risk.’ Every time that something comes up that may be able to offer me a chance to go out there and live my life, you decide that it’s too dangerous.”

“We’ve spoken about transplants before,” Dan’s mother reminded him as though he hadn't spoken.

“Yeah, and you told me that they almost always fail. I just happened to find out that you were lying, so how many other things have you lied about to me?” Dan asked. 

“I wouldn't, I haven't, Dan! Sweetie, I love you. I wouldn't do that to you,” His mother stammered, and normally Dan would have backed down. He would have seen the stress and anxiety on her face and a bolt of guilt would have shot through him and caused him to rock back on his heels and mumble an apology while he thought up various methods to make it up to her. This time, the guilt didn't hit, and instead Dan only felt the churning burn of anger sloshing around in his stomach and singing through his arteries. 

“Have-” he broke off, taking a shuddering breath and considering whether he was really ready to know the answer to the question that he was dying to ask. 

“What’s that?” his mum asked, cautious now.

“Have you ever-” He broke off again as he tried to reword the question in his head. “Did you ever hide these things from me on purpose?”

Dan couldn't think of any other reason for her to hide them.

“What? Sweetie, no, of course not! I told you, that treatment would never work on you, his mother repeated. 

“Why wouldn't it?” Dan asked, growing more and more frustrated.

“Because you're not-” Dan’s mother paused just like Dan had, and he knew then that whatever she was about to say wouldn't be the complete truth. “You’re not the right kind of ill for that. The chances of something going wrong are just too high. No surgeon in his right mind would ever consider it.”

“I don't believe you,” Dan said surely. 

“Dan, you can't have the treatment.” His mother said, launching herself forward so fast that Dan jerked backwards in shock. 

“Why not?”

“Because I can't lose you too.” Suddenly, Dan’s mother’s voice had taken on that same shattered heartbreak as earlier, when Dan had first come down the stairs to found her crying on the floor.

Her words hung in the air like they were visible, floating around them and twisting their way between them, creeping into every crevice and haunting the room as though they had been spoken with the purpose of lingering like a bad memory. 

“If I do this - if I try and go for the treatment - you won’t lose me. Not any time soon. This will make my life longer, it’ll make me normal,” Dan promised. “We could go out and do normal family things. I could have a life of my own, and you could finally have a life of your own too.”

“I only need you in my life,” his mother said. 

“Mum, that’s not a healthy way to think. You could be doing so much more than looking after me,” Dan said. 

“I’m a doctor,” his mother snapped, her voice breaking momentarily as she stated her profession. “I think I know what is or isn't healthy, and you can be damned sure that I won’t allow you to take any treatments.”

 

“You can't do this to me, this isn't fair!” Dan shouted, panicking. “I’m an adult now. You don't get to make medical decisions for me” Dan growled furiously through clenched teeth. 

“I have power of attorney.” Maybe that would have worried Dan if it wasn’t for the sheer desperation in her voice that was negating any threat.

“That only applies in the event I’m not physically or mentally able to make decisions for myself, but you knew that didn't you, doctor?” Dan asked, his mocking questions devolving into nothing more than a sneer towards the end. 

“I can make sure that you’re unable.” His mother threatened, her words causing Dan to freeze.

Dan froze, his heart plummeting into his stomach as his mind raced with the possibilities of what her words could mean. 

“What?”

“Nothing, ignore everything I’ve said tonight.” His mother said with a forced laugh, “I must be coming down with something, I’m a tad delirious. You should go to your room, you don't want to be around me if I’m getting ill. I don’t want to hurt you.”

_ I don't want to hurt you.  _ A sentence that was once a loving comment made on the phone as his mother announced to him that she would be staying in a motel for a few nights as she had caught a bug from one of her patients had somehow turned into a thinly veiled threat.

It was less as though she were going to accidentally pass on an illness, and more as if she were going to purposefully inflict something on him unless he went back to his room. 

He did, scrambling backwards from her like a crab for a moment, pausing only to see his mum staring back at him. Her expression was a cold and calculating, almost clinical - as though Dan were a terminal patient, and she was trying to work out how long he had left. 

Dan didn't want to give his mother any longer to think up whatever devious plans were running through her mind, so he stumbled to his feet and raced up the stairs to his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind himself and leaning against it as if that would be enough to stop anything harmful from coming in. Whether it was his mother or something else. 

Dan’s heart was racing, and he felt his mouth go dry with the fear that he had already become ill. The last time his heart had been beating this quickly he had lost days to a feverish haze, and he was only beginning to wonder if there had been more to that illness than he had originally thought. 

No he was being ridiculous. He wasn't ill. His heart was racing because he had ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and he was horribly unfit. That was a perfectly valid reason for his pulse to increase. Just because he had a life threatening condition didn't mean that everything that happened to him was bad. 

He needed Phil. Phil was like having a torch while trying to navigate thick woodland filled with badger holes and boggy water on a cold, foggy November night. He made everything clearer and offered a small inkling of safety amongst the danger that surrounded Dan on every side. If Dan had been a hormonal teenager then he might have thought that Phil was the only person in the world that he wouldn't catch an illness from. If only such a utopia existed. 

No, Phil was just as human as Dan was. Maybe he was a slightly better human, given his fully functioning immune system, but nevertheless he was human, and just like Dan he also had secrets that he didn't want to talk about. Although, technically now that he knew Dan’s secret there was nothing stopping Phil from confessing his own issues, except that Dan would never ask that of Phil and Dan had bigger problems to consider than the fact that Phil had a secret. 

Still, Phil always seemed to know what to say to offer the best comfort to Dan, and if it weren’t for the fact that Dan was worried that his mother might overhear him talking to the plant murderer across the road, then Dan would already be on the phone. 

Although, now that Dan thought about it, there wasn't really much point in trying to hide it anymore. His mother had  _ threatened  _ him. Dan wasn't stupid, he knew that her words had a malicious intent behind them, and he knew that as a doctor, she was more than capable of harming him. 

He wasn't entirely sure how she did it though. Was there a room in the hospital that stored diseases? Or did she sneak into the labs and steal harmful test tubes and mix them through his meals? Dan wasn't entirely sure that he wanted to know, but he did know that it was something that he needed to discuss with Phil. 

“Dan?” Phil answered on the first ring, and the sound of his voice instantly made Dan relax against the door. 

“You know that you don't have to whisper right?” Dan asked, his own voice barely louder than a breath. 

“I know,” Phil said, still whispering. “Why are you calling? Is something wrong? Your mum’s home..”

“I know,” Dan said with a sigh. It would be hard for him to forget that fact. 

“Has something happened?” Phil asked. 

“I- I think so,” Dan said. 

“You think so?” Phil queried, and Dan knew what he was probably thinking. How could something have  _ possibly  _ happened? It either did or it didn't. 

“You don't like my mother much,” Dan said. It wasn't a question, it was obvious from the way distaste coating Phil’s voice whenever he had to mention Dan’s mother. 

“No, I’m sorry,” Phil replied instantly.

“Why not?”

“You called me to ask why I’m not your mum’s biggest fan?” Phil asked. “Does this have anything to do with the fact that something  _ might  _ have happened?”

“I think so. I don’t know. I’m so confused.”

“Alright, talk me through what’s happened in the last half hour,” Phil said gently. Dan shook his head to himself. Was that all it had been? Half an hour? Had his life really managed to be flipped upside down and shaken in that small amount of time? 

Dan explained. He explained everything from the words that his mother had said to the unwavering suspicion that had now filled his entire being, and it was almost as though he were suddenly realising just how much of his life was being controlled and manipulated by his mother so that he didn't leave her. 

“I guess I can understand it in a way,” Dan said finally. “She lost my brother and father in an accident. They wouldn't have been out of the house if it wasn't for the fact that my brother had the same condition I do and fell ill. Maybe that has something to do with it?”

“Dan.” Phil’s voice sounded weaker than Dan had ever heard it sound before, and he wondered if he had said something wrong.

“What?”

“Don't- don't make any excuses for what she’s doing to you.”

“She’s not doing anything for sure,” Dan said, forcing himself to remember that it was only a theory - a theory with a lot of convenient evidence - and that there was a chance that she was completely innocent, “and even if she was maybe it would make sense.”

“In what world would purposefully inflicting illnesses on your child make sense?” Phil asked. 

“Well, I mean, she lost my brother to SCID right? Maybe the fact that they were on their way to the hospital has something to do with it. Maybe she doesn't want me to have to go to the hospital too because in her mind that means losing me?”

“Dan, I do get where you're coming from,” Phil said. 

“But?” Dan prompted, knowing that Phil wasn't finished. 

“But it sounds like you’re trying to make excuses for her to help yourself reason out why she’s doing this,” Phil said. 

“She’s lost two people,” Dan argued. “She’s scared of losing a third,” he repeated. 

“No, Dan. She’s not well. She needs help.” Phil said. “Even  _ if  _ your theories are right, she’s still inflicting pain on you to try and prove her worthiness as a parent.”

“She’s a doctor.” Dan shot back, “I’m sure if I was in any real trouble then she would be able to help me.”

“That’s another thing,” Phil said, and Dan felt his stomach drop through the floor at the grave tone. 

“What?”

“I called the hospital. The one in town ,right?”

“Yeah?”

“They don't have a Dr Howell working there. They said that the only doctor of that name was dismissed a few months ago.”

“Dismissed?”

“Fired, Dan. Your mum was fired a few months ago,” Phil said. 

Dan paused for a moment, his mother had been fired? That didn't make any sense, she was still going to work and making enough money to keep a roof over their heads. How was it that she could blatantly lie to him about where she worked. Was she fired? Had she just decided to randomly quit one day? There were so many questions flying around his mind at an alarming speed; he couldn't catch onto any of them for long enough to come up with an answer before the next one was pushing it’s way to the front. One of the thoughts that lingered in his mind was the fact that Phil had found out the information so easily. What right did he have to learn that? A wave of irrational anger overtook Dan, blocking out all sensible thought. 

“Why were you calling to ask about my mother?” Dan asked angrily. “It was none of your business whether she was working there or- or-”

“I know, I know, I was just checking out a few things that I was concerned about, and I overstepped a line which I had absolutely no right to do, and I am sorry for that. I realised after that there wasn't even anything I could have done with that information, and I don't know why I even called.”

Dan took a steadying breath as he listened to the transparent honesty in Phil’s voice, of course Phil wasn't going to do anything that was detrimental to their friendship, he just wasn't that sort of person. Maybe it wasn't so much that he was mad at Phil, maybe he was just angry with his mother and using Phil as a scapegoat just because he was there. 

“Sorry I got mad at you,” Dan said, all his anger draining, leaving only the bitter pangs of confusion and betrayal, “I’m not actually annoyed at you, I’m annoyed at her, but I don't even know what to do with the information I have, or even how it all fits together.”

“That;s understandable, it’s a lot to process.” Phil said. “Your mum may or may not be hiding secrets about potential treatments for your condition. She may also be infecting you purposefully with various pathogens, and she isn't a doctor any more which begs the question, where is she working and how is she getting ahold of these infectious agents?”

“That’s a lot of possible questions and answers all mixed together in a shit soup.”

“The other question is; what do you want to do with this information?” Phil asked. 

Dan wasn't sure, there were so many different things that he could do with the information from ignoring it to using it to confront his mother and demand answers. He had never felt so insecure in his entire life, it was as though everything that he knew was being taken apart right in front of him. It was terrifying.

“I don't know, I didn't even consider that. Part of me says run away from this place as fast as possible, but then the rational part of me says to just be cautious around her and watch my back for a while until I know more. Running out of here today is more dangerous because I’ll probably end up dying anyway. My body just doesn't have any defences against the outside world.”

“Which is the worst part because I would more than happily tell you to just come and live with me, but I can't offer you the protection that you need.”

“Plus you have a gajillion houseplants that horde diseases.”

“I’d kill all of my houseplants for you to live here,” Phil promised. 

“See, that's why you're a plant serial killer,” Dan said. “Most people would rehome them, but not you, nope, you’d just kill them.”

“Don't make me laugh, i’m worried.” Phil said as he stifled a giggle that Dan wished he would just unleash; his giggles were like music to Dan’s ears. 

“You can’t stop laughing because you're worried,” Dan said quietly, letting his head drop back to rest on the door as he stared at his ceiling. There were still pale green glow in the dark stars stuck to it that his mother had put there because he had told her he was sad that he couldn't stargaze like normal people. 

It was a stark reminder that things hadn’t always been bad, but the stars had lost their glow just like Dan’s mother had lost her gentle smile and easy cuddles. He wondered how long she had been controlling him like this for, how long had she been causing him illness when he started to grow too independent? How many nights had she rubbed his back as dry heaves made his entire body shudder, knowing that it was all her fault? How many of his illnesses were punishments? 

“Dan, are you still there?” Phil asked. 

“I’m here,” Dan replied after a moment, “I was just thinking.”

“Ah,” Phil said, and Dan knew that he didn't have to explain anything to Phil, but he wanted to.

“I was thinking about how things used to be, and wondering how much of my life has been a lie,” Dan admitted.

“What is your heart telling you?”

“It’s telling me to think about the future,” Dan admitted. 

“The future?”

“Phil, I want to be able to walk along a beach one day and eat ice cream, I want to laugh and run away from seagulls before they steal my cone, and I want to hold your hand while we do it.” Dan admitted. 

Dan was shocked at his own honesty, but that shock soon turned sour as he felt himself waiting for Phil’s reply that never seemed to be coming. Had he overstepped? Maybe he had misread the situation and had made Phil feel uncomfortable. He was ready to open his mouth to apologise for going too far when he was cut off by Phil.

“I think that sounds like a pretty great future,” Phil said sadly, and Dan knew that he was focusing on the fact that it could never be.

It did sound like a great future and it was something that made Dan feel bitter because he wasn't the sort of person who could ever have such a normal outing with someone. Why not? Why was he the one who was trapped indoors? Why was he hiding himself away from life in the monotonous walls of his mother’s house? There were treatment options for his condition, so why didn't he just throw caution to the wind and make the most of his life before it was too late?

“Phil, I want to go for the transplant,” Dan said. 

“Really?”

“Really,” Dan said, having never been  more sure of anything in his life. 

“Don’t you want to think about it a little longer?” Phil asked, suddenly sounding nervous. “It’s a huge decision to make in the space of an hour,” Phil said, ever the responsible adult.

“I don't need to,” Dan shot back. “Either I get the transplant and live a normal life, the transplant fails and kills me, or my mother goes too far and kills me,” Dan said. “I’m going to take my chances.”

“We can't tell your mother,” Phil said.

“You’ll help me?” 

“Of course. And in return you can take me on a date to the beach when this is all over.”

Dan couldn't help the grin that stretched across his face. A date with Phil sounded like pretty good motivation to come through the other side fighting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me an ask on tumblr @philscurls and let me know what you thought of the chapter!!   
> thank you so much for reading!!  
> the next chapter is ready to go so it'll be up in a week (finally, i'm sticking to weekly updates!)  
> love you guys! <3


	9. the calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to @snowbunnylester for being an awesome beta as always <3

Part of Dan had expected some significant change, but he was shocked to find that his mother had decided to act as though nothing had happened. Despite the revelation that Dan could have been better if it hadnt been for her, she was somehow able to walk around without looking as though the conversation that they’d had was affecting her. It was confusing on many levels, and Dan was torn about what he should do. He wondered whether he would be better to leave things as they were or if he should bring it up and confront her again. 

He understood that the death of his father and his brother had affected her in a way that was incomprehensible to anyone who hadn't experienced the death of a loved one, never mind multiple deaths. He realised that that sort of loss messed people up on a completely different level, but somehow it wasn't good enough. It felt like a cop out. He had lost out on countless experiences as he had grown up because of his condition, and to pin it all on the deaths of his mother’s family just seemed like a get out of jail free card. He thought of them as his mother’s family because she had known them, not him. To Dan they were just deceased relatives, and it sounded harsh, but you can’t mourn a person you’ve never met. 

That was, Dan could never mourn the loss of his father and brother, but he’d definitely mourned the loss of a father figure and brother figure at various points in his life. 

Dan wondered whether the blame really could be delivered solely onto the accident that took the life of his father and brother, and if that meant that their survival would have changed everything. What sort of man was his father? Was he the kind of man who would have sat back and allowed his wife to take control of his sons’ lives or would they have both come together in order to support them in getting treatment and coming out on top of their illnesses? 

Would Dan and his brother have gone to university together? Would they have been close? Would they have played video games together late into the night? What would they have done if they had both lived through their treatment and come out fighting at the other end? 

Dan shook his head to dispel those thoughts. It wasn't working focusing on the ‘what ifs’ of life. There was no way that anyone could go back in time and change what had happened. He was stuck living the life he was in, and whilst he may have wasted half of it under the overprotective gaze of his mother, there was no way that he was going to leave it like that. He wanted his freedom, and that was where Phil came in. 

Sweet, brave Phil, who was willing to help the boy across the road escape his overbearing mother. Phil preferred to call her an abusive mother, but Dan wasn't so sure about that one. He had read a lot of the media on abuse and he didn't think that his mother counted in that group. She wasn't the sort to beat him every night or hurt him when he dropped things, no, she had just hidden life changing surgery and possibly hurt him on purpose a few times, but not regularly, and nothing like the stories  on the internet.

Dan had tried googling his condition and ‘mother won’t let me have treatment,’ but all he found were articles about transplants that had previously been done and news articles about young children who had successfully received a transplant and were away out and living their lives. 

“Morning Sweetie.” Dan closed his web browser immediately as his door opened, hoping that his mother would just assumed he was doing something private like watching porn, not watching videos of transplants being done in order to prepare himself for what would soon become his reality. “I’m just leaving for work, will you be alright on your own?”

_ “Leaving for work? Where is it that you work? I know that you were fired from the hospital, so where the fuck are you actually going when you leave the house?”  _

That’s  what Dan wanted to say to her. He wanted to challenge her and make her sweat like she deserved after everything that she had put him through. Instead, he took a deep breath and plastered a fake smile on his face as he turned to look at her.

“Of course I’ll be alright,” he said lightly, rolling his eyes for emphasis, “this isn't the first time you’ve left me alone for work.”

“I know, it’s just that after the other day, y’know.” It was the closest that his mum had come to mentioning their argument, and Dan wasn't sure what she wanted from him in response.

“We argued, it happens, but it doesn’t change things,” he lied, hoping that she didn't notice how he bit the inside of his cheek to try and keep his face neutral at the lie. The fight  changed everything. 

“Thats,” his mother paused looking at him carefully, “that’s very mature of you.”

“I  _ am _ an adult,” Dan said. 

“You don't need to remind me of that. I’ve watched you grow into the young man you are today,” his mother said, looking at him sadly.

“Uh, ok,” Dan said, wondering where she was going with that comment. 

“Anyway, I’m sorry for disturbing your- um, whatever you were doing. I’ll see you tonight.”

“See you tonight.” Dan said, waiting until the door clicked shut behind her so that he could pull back up the tab that was graphically describing the surgery that he would soon be undergoing.

He was genuinely beginning to worry about his mother’s aversion to Dan receiving the treatment that could save his life, especially as she seemed to be jobless - unless she had already found another job, but Dan doubted that she had as she was still talking about the local hospital as though she still worked there.

Other than the fact that his mother was blatantly lying to him, Dan was worried about the fact that running an air filter system twenty four hours a day and seven days a week was expensive and meant not being able to pay the bills that paid for Dan’s safe air meant that he may lose that privilege. Unfortunately that would directly link to him having to breath in normal air and eventually catching an illness that would kill him. 

His mother’s lies would kill him someday,  and Dan was terrified of that day arriving, especially now he  he realised that there was a way for him to be cured of his disease so that he could live a normal life. He would be able to hold another person’s hand, kiss another person, maybe even find a special someone to live his life with. 

It was almost fitting that Dan’s phone blared to life with Phil’s name on the screen just then. Dan was grateful that Phil always called so quickly after his mother left  - he could have practically counted down the seconds from the sound of the front door closing to his phone going off.

Dan no longer waited a few rings before answering to appear slightly less lame, Phil already knew that he wasn't doing much with his life. Instead he picked up immediately and listened to the familiar voice filtering through the speaker.

“I did it, I caved,” Phil declared dramatically.

“No, you were doing so well, Phil,” Dan said

“I know but I just couldn't take it any more. It was getting to me too much,” Phil said sorrowfully. “After I lost Betty, Timmy and Rodrick, I just needed one that would stay in my life for longer than a week.”

“Have you named it yet?” Dan asked.

“Not yet. I need a good name, after all. it’s going to be in my life for a long time,” Phil said. 

“A plastic cactus, the eternal plant,” Dan said with a snort. “You need to send me a picture of it.”

“I will when I think of a name,” Phil promised.

“I’ll be waiting in anticipation,” Dan promised before turning slightly more bitter. “It’s not like I’m doing anything else.”

“Has your mum still not mentioned it?” Phil asked. 

“She did this morning, but she didn't at the same time. She just said ‘after the other day’,” Dan said. 

“It’s like she just wants you both to forget about it,” Phil murmured, and Dan could almost imagine the intense look of concentration on his face. “That could be good.”

“It could?” Dan asked, wondering if Phil was living on the same planet as he was. 

“Yeah, of course. Think about it this way,” Phil said animatedly, “if you let her believe that you’ve forgotten or even forgiven her, then she’ll be off your back a little. She’ll start to think that she’s gotten away with it.”

“How does that help us?” Dan asked. 

“Because I’ve been looking into your surgery, and if we’re going to do this then we can't have her being suspicious,” Phil said, and Dan appreciated him saying ‘we’. It was a small reminder that he had someone fighting his corner with him and that no matter what his mother did, he wouldn't have to face her alone. 

“How are we going to do this though?” Dan asked. 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when I leave the house for hospital appointments I essentially have to be in a completely sterile suit, but I haven't been to any of those since i was too young to remember so I doubt that suit would fit me now. I don't even know where it is.”

“We’ll sort that nearer the time. What we need to initially do is book you an appointment with the specialist in London,” Phil said. “I have all the contact information but unfortunately I can’t call for you. I’m not family, and you're an adult with full capacity.”

“Even if my mother tries to take that away from me,” Dan muttered.

“Despite that,” Phil agreed. 

“How do I get an appointment though. Will they even believe me when I say what I have?” Dan wondered aloud. 

“Dan. you have a really rare genetic disorder, and as you’ve said, you saw specialists as a child which means that they must have some sort of record of you and your condition. Plus, your medical file would pretty clearly state that you have this condition,” Phil said soothingly, “try not to let yourself get too stressed about these easily solvable problems.”

“It’s just scary.” Dan confessed, wondering how he felt so comfortable admitting things to Phil. 

“I understand that.”

Of course Phil didn't understand, but Dan appreciated the attempt that was being made at making him feel better. He wasn't about to shut out the only person who was willing to attempt to understand what he was going through.

“Phil, I just-” Dan paused, unsure if he wanted to continue.

“You what?” Phil asked after a few moments of silence.

“I keep thinking about this whole thing and like, if it works, if I actually do this and it really works then I’ll be free,” Dan said. 

“Yeah, you will,” Phil said softly. 

“I’ll be able to go out and do things, normal person things,” Dan said. “We can go shopping like normal people, I could get a normal job, no more of this searching for something that I can do from home any more. I could do anything I wanted. Oh, and we can go to the beach and the cinema and restaurants.”

“We can do all of that, but let's focus on the surgery first, right?” Phil interrupted, sounding fond. 

“Yeah of course. They’d need to find a donor match for me first,” Dan said “The best chance would be my mother, but seeing as we aren't really telling her about what we’re doing, that might be a little difficult.”

“Yeah, there’s no subtle way to ask someone to donate their bone marrow to you without them knowing what’s going on,” Phil agreed.

“So we wait a little longer,” Dan said, shrugging even though Phil couldn't see. “First things first, I need to talk to the specialist you found and get on the list.”

“It shouldn't be too hard. As far as I’m aware from the little bit of reading that I did, SCID is really rare, so those with it should be pretty well known by most of the doctors who deal with immune disorders.” 

“You really think it’ll be that easy?” Dan asked. 

“Well, no, we’re not lucky enough for it to be  _ so  _ easy, but they just have to call your medical records and that should clearly state that you have a rare immune disorder,” Phil said. 

“You seem to know an awful lot about this?” Dan muttered questioningly, wondering how Phil was so knowledgeable on a subject that he himself had very little clue about. 

“I’m not, I just read a few things online. I don't even know how reliable the stuff I read was,” Phil confessed, “I just wanted to be doing something to help, no matter how small.”

Dan felt his throat tighten unexpectedly as it hit him how much trouble Phil had gone to for him. Despite everything that Dan was going through, Phil was a solid rock in his life. Other people may have taken one look at the things that he had going on in his life and decided to run the other way instead of hanging around to actually help.  Dan wasn't an idiot, he knew that Phil had his own secrets and problems in his life, but maybe if he made it through his transplant relatively unscathed then he may some day be able to return the favour and help Phil out.

“Dan? Are you still there? Look, I know that maybe I overstepped my boundaries and maybe I should have asked for your permission before I went and looked at all this stuff because really it’s a very personal thing and whilst you’ve been talking to me for ages and we’re going to go on that date once you’re able to, I know that there’s still a grey area between us where you don’t fully trust me with all of this and you know what? I don’t blame you, I’m a stranger to you in many ways. Still -”

“Phil!” Dan practically shouted down the phone to cut off Phil’s seemingly never ending ramble.

“What?” Phil asked with genuine confusion, as though he hadn’t realised that he had been talking non stop for longer than any person should be able to do without pausing to take a breath. 

“I love that you're willing to spend your own time trying to help me,” Dan said reassuringly, “it actually was really touching and I thought I was going to embarrass myself by crying down the phone to you.”

Dan heard Phil stifle a giggle at that, and smiled himself.

“You’re really not just saying that to make me feel better?” Phil asked. 

“Phil, I’ve lived inside for most of my life with very little human interaction other than that of my mother. Do you really think I would know how to be  _ that  _ sensitive? I’m way too blunt for my own good,” Dan replies. 

“I think you know a lot more than you let on Daniel.”

“In what way?” Dan asked, his heart beating a little faster with the fear of what could come out of Phil’s mouth next. Although he wasn't sure why he was so worried, there wasn't anything that he was hiding, Phil knew all his secrets. 

“I’m not quite sure.”

“That makes no sense,” Dan exclaimed in exasperation.

“Sure it does. It makes complete sense to me,” Phil said. 

“Of course it would. I swear that your brain is running on a completely different  frequency to everyone else’s.”

“That should be insulting,” Phil said with a light laugh that indicated that he thought it was anything but insulting. 

“You know I mean it in a good way,” Dan said. 

“Yeah, you’re lucky that I know you well enough to get that.”

It was interesting. They often said that they  _ didn’t  _ know each other that well or that there was still some trust issues between them, but Dan was really starting to believe that maybe that was just their own individual insecurities talking and that really they were just worried about feeling more invested in their friendship - relationship? - than the other person. 

Dan was too worried about offending Phil with his theory to bring it up, but he thought that maybe he was thinking along the right lines. 

“Hey, Dan?” Phil said after a few moments of comfortable silence in which Dan was pretending to be deep in thought but really he was just listening to Phil’s steady breathing coming through the speaker and trying to imagine what it would be like to actually feel Phil’s breath on his ear. 

“Hm?” Dan murmured, still distracted. 

“Am I holding you up? Do you want me to let you go and call the doctor?”

“No, of course not, you could never hold me up,” Dan promised.

“Maybe not, but the time could and I definitely remember you telling me that you need a couple of hours to prepare yourself for making important phone calls,” Phil said, “and judging by the fact that it’s almost lunchtime already, you should probably go and prepare.”

“Yeah, you're probably right.”

“I sense a ‘but’.” Phil said. 

“You must be an ass guy.”

“Dan, wha- oh my god, no, that’s not at all what I meant.”

“I know, but it’s so satisfying to see you getting yourself flustered like that,” Dan admitted with a laugh. 

“Sure it is,” Phil replied, but he was laughing too.

“Cheer up Ass Man,” Dan said, “you sound like a pervy superhero.”

“And you sound like you're trying to put off an important phone call,” Phil retaliated. 

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m going to go plan what I need to say to that person who could save my life,” Dan said with the annoyance of a thirteen year old who had been asked to wash the dishes. 

“Go!” Phil prompted, elongating the vowel for added emphasis. 

“I am! Don’t forget to send me a picture of your cactus,” Dan said before regretting his word choice when he heard Phil snigger and he realised that he must have said something suggestive. 

“I’ll call you tomorrow to find out how it goes,” Phil promised. 

“Bye Phil.”

“See you later,”

Dan was left clutching a warm phone and pondering the meaning of ‘see you later.’ Obviously Phil wasn’t going to  _ see  _ him later, but Dan still knew what he meant. He understood that he was intending to call him again at a later time, but they weren't going to  _ see  _ each other. It was strange and another reason that Dan really didn't understand the lingo that a lot of people used, but since he had context it made sense.

“Get out of your head, dumbass. Just make the damn phone call,” Dan muttered to himself. 

It didn't work. he spent an hour talking to himself and planning different ways the conversation could go. He had excuses in his pocket ready to go if asked why he was only enquiring about the surgery now. He would play up the fact that his father and brother were dead if the doctor seemed to be getting suspicious about his mother, and if the doctor wanted a contact for his next of kin then they would call his ‘uncle’ Phil. 

Something in Dan shuddered at the thought of calling Phil his uncle, even though it was just for the sake of getting Dan his surgery. He was eager to be able to wipe that from his medical records. 

“Just call them and tell them the truth, mostly,” Dan said to himself. 

Dan wouldn't mention it to Phil because it would probably make him worry unnecessarily, but Dan would rather open the window and take a deep breath full of fresh, contaminated air before he would happily make a phone call. 

It was just a simple phone call. He had a few questions, the doctor - hopefully - had the answers. It was completely normal to make phone calls, it just wasn't easy. 

Dan felt as though he had a perfectly good reason to feel uncomfortable though. He was different to most people and not in a good way. He wasn't able to pick up on the same conversational cues as others could. Phil was different though. Phil corrected him when he made mistakes, usually. Sometimes he would just snicker and refuse to say why if it was an innuendo. 

Then Dan got an idea.

That was what he could do. He could just tell himself that he was talking to Phil. It would be easier than imagining an intimidating professional in a white coat, staring at him like a lab specimen, because the thought of that happening genuinely terrified Dan as he he had seen the movies online about evil scientists and doctors and he didn't really fancy becoming their experiment. He had already been treated like enough of an experiment by his own mother.

So it was with Phil in his thoughts, and a slight bit of lingering fear, that he called the number that Phil had so kindly found for him. He had to call, he couldn't let Phil down. He had to do this for himself and for Phil. 

So he did. He dialled the number and nervously bit at the skin on his thumb as it rang.

_ This is Dr Santiani, I’m currently away from my office, so if you’re a new patient please leave your name, date of birth, current residence and contact information for me to get back to you, and if you’re calling on behalf of a relative please leave their information and what relation you are. Thank you for your patience.  _

There was a shrill beep following the rich accent that had almost hypnotised Dan. 

“Hi, um, my name is Daniel Howell, I was wondering if I could maybe get some advice on treatment options for my condition. SCID that is. I have that. I read that there's a transplant I could get that could maybe fix me? I mean, help me get better, uh. Anyways, please call me back, if you have a moment,” Dan stammered and he listed his full name, date of birth, address and contact details and sat back hoping for a return phone call.

He hadn't been prepared for an answering machine, and he hung his head and felt like smacking himself as he realised how awkward and disjointed he had sounded on the phone. He was sure the doctor would get a good laugh at his expense. 

That night when Dan was curled up in his bed, he felt his phone buzz beneath his pillow, and he fished it out to see a message from Phil. It was the picture of the surprisingly realistic looking plastic cactus and underneath was the caption:  _ say hi to daniel! The eternal cactus! Xx _

Dan couldn't stop the smile from taking over his face as he sent a quick reply:  _ is this your way of saying i’m a prickly ass?  _

**Phil:** _ well, I wouldn’t know anything about your ass but as for your personality ;)  _

**Dan:** _ omfg go to sleep you dork _

**Phil:** _ but I want to talk to you for longer :(  _

**Dan:** _ then call me after work you dingus! i’m not stupid i know you have work at 6  _

**Phil:** _ buzzkill  _

**Dan:** _ goodnight! _

**Phil:** _ night <3 _

Dan stared at the little heart until the screen automatically locked itself from inactivity and left him looking at the blank screen wondering whether to send one back or just to leave it. He liked Phil, a lot, but maybe Phil sent hearts to all his friends and Dan sending one back would just make things awkward.

“Well, you wanted normal experiences,” Dan muttered to himself as he tried to push away the confusion and rolled over to sleep, his thoughts consumed by one person.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? meeting weekly update targets? who am i?? 
> 
> drop by my tumblr (@philscurls) and let me know what you thought!! it always makes me happy to see opinions <333 
> 
> thank you for reading


	10. the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my lovely beta @snowbunnylester
> 
> i uploaded a day early bc of the overwhelmingly kind response - so this is a little thank you

Dan hadn't expected a call back straight away, but over a week later he was beginning to lose hope that there was ever  _ going  _ to be a call back. Phil had been calling and hopefully asking if there had been anything everyday, but even he was beginning to sound less hopeful whenever he asked, as though he were only asking to be polite and try to keep Dan’s hopes up rather than because he actually believed there would have been a phone call. It was disheartening, and Dan was beginning to wonder whether he had even left a message with the right person or if a complete stranger now had all of his personal information. 

Maybe that stranger would give ‘Dan Howell’ the life he had always dreamed of. No, Dan was realistic, anyone who was stealing his identity wasn't going to give him the wholesome existence he longed for. They would probably sell it for a tub of pringles and a can of coke.. He didn't want his identity to be stolen. If someone was going to go out there and ruin his reputation then it was going to be himself who did it.

He was being ridiculous, there was no point in getting himself wound up about stupid daydreams. He was perfectly safe as he was, and the voicemail had indicated that he had left his information with the right person. Even if he hadn't and someone used it to cause trouble, the police just had to knock on the door and they’d learn that there was no way that Dan could be guilty. Of course that would mean that his mother would learn about what he had been up to. That thought was scarier than anything else. 

Dan’s mother would explode, metaphorically of course. Dan wasn’t lucky enough for it to be any other way. She would be furious if she ever found out about his call to the specialist and Dan was honestly terrified of her finding anything out. He was already pretty sure that she was poisoning him with something to keep him in line when he got too curious or rebellious. He didn't want to imagine what the repercussions would be if she found out that he had been trying to get life changing surgery without her awareness. He was terrified that she would eventually do something that would go too far and leave him with irreparable damage. 

Was she capable of such a thing? Dan wasn't completely sure. Once upon a time he would never have thought that she would be capable of harming him in any way. All she ever spoke about was how much she loved him and only wanted him to be safe, but then he found out that she was in fact the biggest danger in his life. How could he assess what she was and wasn't capable of after being so completely wrong about her for most of his life? He couldn’t.  

Dan had spoken with Phil about it and then regretted it immediately. Phil was always worried about Dan. He wanted Dan to go and stay with him, which he realised was an awful idea after Dan explained that, while it was a lovely thought and a much appreciated gesture, it would kill him. Then Phil suggested that they inform the police, because technically his mother was assaulting him. That idea was another flop after Dan mentioned that if his mother was arrested then the money paying for Dan’s ventilated air and safety would also disappear, leaving him vulnerable. He was an adult, it wasn't like he could be taken to a foster home. There wasn't much support for adults with chronic conditions in the United Kingdom, and Dan was only beginning to feel the effects of it. 

It wasn't so much that Dan regretted mentioning it to Phil, but he just wished that for once Phil weren’t trying to come up with a solution. He appreciated the attempt, but what he really needed was just some simple reassurance that everything was going to be alright in the end. Maybe it would be a lie if Phil said it, but the comfort that the words would bring would be enough to overlook the little white lie. 

And Phil was comforting. He was like the security blanket that Dan had carried around as a kid, the one that had smelled of his mother’s perfume and made him feel safe back when he thought his mother would protect him from the world. He just hadn’t realised yet that nothing could protect him from her. 

It was a scary thought. No one ever thought that they would need protecting from their own family. It just wasn't a thought that would enter a person’s mind. 

Dan was bored, his mind running in circles thinking about everything that could go wrong in the near future. His mother had left for work hours ago but Phil hadn't called. They had agreed that they should only talk after six so that Dan wouldn't miss any calls from the doctor. Normally he would text Phil, but that day he was working in the stationary store. 

Dan was always amused to hear stories from Phil’s work, especially as Phil seemed to have a unique power that manifested like a magnet for crazy people, not that Phil himself was any better as he had literally picked a random weirdo who didn't leave his house and decided to make him his friend. Dan couldn't be more grateful. Phil had changed his life in a way that he couldn't have even fathomed a few years back. 

**Phil:** I’m hiding in the store cupboard and looking for a bendy ruler, I can’t believe those things still exist!?

Dan grinned. Somehow Phil always knew when he was needed. Maybe that was another power that he had, the Amazing Phil - able to attract weirdos and know when his friend needed him. 

Dan off course was quick to google what the heck a bendy ruler was before replying to Phil. 

**Dan:** i had to search that and it seems pointless tbh why would you want a ruler that bends if youre drawing a straight line?

**Phil:** because it’s fun!! Come on! Don't tell me you’ve never used a bendy ruler?

**Dan:** of course i havent you dork, it comes with the whole immune disorder thing

**Phil:** :p that sucks

**Dan:** understatement of the century

**Phil:** I have to get back! We’re adding bendy rulers to our list!

Dan snorted and shook his head in amusement. The list was something that had formed out of nowhere; they would randomly mention something that they wanted to do when Dan was ‘better’ and one of them would mutter to add that to the list, and before they knew it, Phil had a list in his phone’s notes and they had almost fifty things planned to do together already. 

Dan jokingly called it the reverse bucket list, which had made Phil laugh unsurely, almost like he was worried that he would be told off for laughing about Dan’s death in a roundabout way. He still wasn't completely used to Dan’s self deprecating humour, which Dan found hilarious. There was nothing more amusing than declaring yourself about to jump off a bridge only to hear a stammered ‘but you can’t leave the house’ in response. 

Without having Phil to talk to Dan’s day was dragging along in a way that it hadn’t done so since before he met Phil. He just decided that he wanted to skip part of the day, and what better way to do that than to sleep for a short while?

It was almost three in the afternoon when Dan was jolted out of his unneeded nap by his phone ringing. For a moment he thought that it was Phil, and he lunged off his bed to grab his phone before remembering that Phil wouldn't call before six, and then he realised that the number was unrecognised. 

His heart jolted worryingly in his chest as his mind jumped to the possibility that maybe it was the doctor. 

“H-Hello?” he stammered into the phone, hoping that for once it wasn’t someone trying to sell him car insurance for the car accident that he had apparently been in. It was always fun to mess with those people and tell them that he hadn't left the house in years because they would assume that it was because of the car accident. 

“Hello, could I speak to Daniel Howell please?” A familiar, thickly accented voice asked. 

“Yeah, yes, speaking,” Dan said nervously. 

“My name is Dr Santiana. I received a voicemail from yourself a short time ago,” the doctor said as though Dan didn't already know that. “I just wanted to call and have a little chat with you.”

“Alright,” Dan murmured nervously. What would she say? Would this be the beginning of everything? 

“I was quite interested in your message as we have never met,” Dr Santiana said. “It intrigued me because I pride myself on keeping tabs on all my patients with severe combined immunodeficiency, you see. Therefore if they are ever admitted into hospital it will flag on my system and I will be able to offer the doctors my assistance. They are usually very good, but immune disorders are my area of expertise, you see.”

“Mhm,” Dan murmured to show that he was listening as he wondered where she could be going with this. Surely it wasn't that unusual for the odd patient to slip through her grasp. 

“But you, you I have never met or even spoken to before today.”

“Yeah, my mother was- is a doctor, so she has been looking after me,” Dan tried to explain, but as he said the words even he could tell that something didn't add up. 

“That’s an odd situation,” the doctor said, and Dan could hear the suspicion in her voice. “Who is your GP?”

“I don't have one. I’m not registered since I can't leave the house. We didn't think that it would really matter,” Dan said. 

“Alright, that explains why there is no record of childhood vaccinations, not that you would have been able to have most of them if you had SCID.” 

“If?” Dan asked. 

“Come on Daniel, this is a practical joke isn't it?” the doctor asked seriously.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, and he could barely hear her reply over the sound of the blood rushing in his ears. He felt like his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest, and he wished that he could have Phil beside him just to hold him up from falling to the floor. Dan wasn't sure that he was strong enough to do it alone. 

“When I realised that I had no record of you personally I reached out to a few others who work in my field and they came up with nothing too, so I requested your medical file which was empty. Completely empty except for documentation of your birth and a few visits from the midwife and health visitor when you were very young, all of which had glowing reports of a healthy, strong baby.” 

“I don’t understand.”

“Neither did I at first, but then I thought to check the online system. After all everything is on a computer these days, you know how it is?”

“Yeah.”

“Except it was the same. There was absolutely nothing there to raise any cause for concern. Except maybe the lack of information.”

“What are you saying?” Dan asked. His mouth had never felt drier. He needed a drink. Was this what it felt like to have your life ripped out from beneath you in a sudden swoop? He could guess where she was going with her thoughts, but every part of him wanted to deny it. He couldn't think about that.

“I’m saying that your Electronic Patient Record should have flashed up with a warning to isolate you for your safety if you were ever admitted to hospital. It would have been unmissable. There would have been clear documentation of your condition. There is no way that you have SCID, Daniel, it’s just not possible.”

Dan stared at the carpet of his room. He could hear a faint buzzing in his ears. When had he fallen to his knees? That was odd, he didn't remember that happening, although he could feel the vague ache in his kneecaps as though he had hit it with a bang. 

He wasn't ill? But he was, he was really ill. He couldn't go outside or he would die. It was all he had ever known. His mother had always kept him safe from the outdoors, but maybe she hadn't been helping him in the slightest. 

“Daniel?”

“I’m here,” Dan said faintly. He wondered why his own voice sounded like it was coming from so far away.

“Look, this is either a practical joke that frankly, is not at all funny. Or you need help, and I need you to be completely honest with me right now. Which one is it?”

“I-” Dan broke off. His entire life felt like one massive practical joke and he had no idea what he was meant to do about it. Did he admit that he had been led to believe a lie for his entire life?  Or did he pretend that he had been lying and deal with things himself?

What did he want? How could he know the answer to that question when he didn't understand it? What he wanted had never mattered before. It had always just been whatever was safe was what he got. 

“Daniel, do I need to send you help?”

Dan’s mind raced at a mile a minute and he wondered what would happen if he said yes. 

“No,” he eventually muttered, “I’m pulling a prank.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, sounding like she didn't believe him.

“I’m sure. I heard about the condition at uni and I thought that it would be funny.”

“Well, that’s really immature of you. You wasted my time that could have been spent on helping people who are really suffering. People who can't just say ‘sorry i was kidding’ and go about their lives. You obviously don't understand how devastating a condition like this can be, and you should be grateful about that,” the doctor ranted. “Your mother must be so disappointed in you.”

“In more ways than you could imagine,” Dan muttered through a tight throat. He wished that he could just tell her he needed help, but that would mean getting his mother into trouble, and even though she had destroyed his life, Dan just couldn't do the same to her. It wasn't fair. Maybe two wrongs gave a person satisfaction, but they didn't make a right. 

“Next time you decide to prank someone at least do your research.” 

“What do you mean?” Dan asked. 

“The surgery that you mentioned in your message, do you really think it would be that easy? If you had really needed that surgery it would have taken weeks to get to the point where you’d be on a list looking for a donor, and then you would have been waiting months, even a year, for a donor to be found. You would have countless appointments and tests. You’d have to get chemotherapy to kill off your defected cells. There’s so much more to it than phoning up and saying you want an operation.”

“I didn't know that,” Dan admitted. He and Phil had used the internet for all of their information. Naturally he knew that there would be some inaccuracies, but he had hoped that he would have learned enough to get by. 

“Obviously,” the doctor said before sighing deeply. “Look, something about this seems a little sketchy and I’m not sure whether I believe that you’re as safe as you say you are, but you’re an adult so I can't make these decisions for you. Just, just keep my number alright, and if you need help then you can call me.”

_ Yeah right,  _ Dan thought to himself. It had taken her well over a week to respond to him the first time, so why would he decide to call her if he was in an emergency? He wanted to lose her number and never find it again. She had completely torn apart Dan’s life without even realising it, and he was left holding the fragile pieces of who he was and wondering how to put them back together to create a new person. The cracks would be obvious and he would be misshapen and unpolished, but if Phil was willing to be his glue then he would be alright in the end.

He couldn't ask that of Phil though. He couldn't ruin anyone else’s life like his mother had done to him. He was toxic. He was spreading his drama into other people’s lives and expecting them to somehow have a magical fix for him, as though they owed him something. 

Dan hadn't even realised that the doctor had ended the call. He was just staring at his carpet and clutching his phone to his ear as though someone were about to give him all the answers that he needed. 

The despair was beginning to clear and give way to anger. Pure unadulterated fury was coursing through Dan’s veins as he realised that his own mother had held him hostage in his own house and stopped him from living his life to the fullest. All those times when she had tucked him in at night and promised that she would make sure nothing ever hurt him, why hadn't he realised that she was the one who was causing him the most pain?

She had taken his life from him. All those childhood and teenage experiences that had been robbed from him, he could never get them back. He was conflicted; he had spent his life reading books and watching movies where the poor disabled child got their miraculous cure and he had hated them because he knew that that would have never been him, but he did have his cure. His cure was that he had never been ill. 

He wanted to hurt something. He wanted to inflict the same pain on something else that had been inflicted on himself. He realised that his hand was vibrating,  and he he thought that he was trembling from anger at first, only to realise that it was contained to the one arm. It was a phone call. 

For a second, Dan thought that maybe the doctor was calling back to say that she had gotten him mixed up with another Daniel Howell, but he was met with his mother’s number flashing on the screen. 

That was all it took for him to snap. He threw his phone as hard as he could, feeling satisfied as the call cut off as the phone collided with the wall, leaving an obvious dent as a sharp crack filled the air making Dan smirk in a sick satisfaction. His mother had bought him that phone, and he wanted it destroyed. 

The fact that he had thrown it wasn't enough. He lunged to his feet and strode to where it lay, he lifted his foot and brought it down on the already cracked screen over and over again.He didn't care that he was only wearing socks. He didn't care when he felt a sharp pain in his heel. He didn't care when he noticed blood on the carpet along with the fragments of the phone. He just kept bringing his foot down again and again until the debris on the carpet were unrecognisable. He was panting as though he had done a full workout, but it still wasn't enough. 

Dan brought a fist back and punched the wall as hard as he could. Pain radiated from his knuckles to his elbow and he spit out a slew of curses as he sunk back to his knees, cradling his injured fist on his lap and resting his forehead against the wall. It hurt, but Dan felt vaguely disconnected from the pain, as though it didn't matter, not in the grand scheme of things. A sinister part of his mind whispered that at least it was pain that he had inflicted upon himself rather than being the victim of someone else for once. 

Dan didn't know when he started crying, but suddenly he was aware that he could hear a strange choking, whining sound. It took a few moments for Dan to realise that the choking, whining sound was himself sobbing, huge gut wrenching sobs that made his head ache as he gasped for breath and trembled with the slew of emotions. All the emotions were mixing together and he felt his anger dissipate as he mourned the loss of his life. 

He could start over fresh now, but he would never get back what was so cruelly taken from him. Dan didn't understand how his mother could do such a thing. He let out a bitter laugh; he had been so distressed about the possibility that his mother had been hiding treatment options from him and intentionally causing him illnesses only to find out that yes, she had been causing him illness, but she had also made up a lifetime worth of lies and told him that he had an incurable illness. She had told him that his condition was too bad, it was untreatable. 

“I hate you,” he muttered weakly through hiccups and sobs, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”

It wasn't enough. Dan didn't say that he hated people because he thought that ‘hate’ was a strong word and no one deserved that, but now it wasn't strong enough. 

He loathed his mother. He detested her. He wanted to cause her as much pain as she had caused him. He wanted her to realise how much she had ruined his life, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing he would ever say to her would be enough to properly show her how much pain he had gone through. 

His mother would never understand what it was like to be ten years old and have no friends to play with. His mother would never know what it was like to have to google things that were seen in tv shows because she had no idea what they were. She would never look at the sun and wonder how it would feel on her skin. 

She wouldn't suffer like he had. 

Why should he suffer any more? He could leave, he wasn't ill. Dan didn't owe her anything. He could just walk out and never return. It was an idea. 

It wasn't a bad idea. Was anything a bad idea any more? Dan shakily made his way to his feet and down to the front door. He was scared, as though someone would pop up and scold him for even considering going outside. He was an adult, a healthy adult. If he wanted to go outside then he would. Anyone who tried to stop him could go and fuck themselves. 

It took Dan longer than he had hoped to work out how to open the first door that led into the small decontamination chamber. Once inside he closed the door behind him. He was in the chamber for the first time in his life. The whooshing of the air hurt his ears, and when the light lit up green to say that the seal was intact behind him he started trying to figure out how to open the next door. 

Dan had been staring at it for a few seconds when it opened on its own. Except it didn't, because that sort of door couldn't open alone, Dan was face to face with his shocked mother who instantly wrapped a hand around his wrist.

“Dan! Get back, what are you doing? Are you on some insane suicide mission?” she screeched. 

Dan felt his mind snap for the second time, and in one swift movement, he had wrenched his wrist from her grip and shoved her back. He hadn't intended for her to fall down the steps but she did. She blinked up at him in shock that he would even dare to do such a thing.

Dan barely gave her a second glance before he was off. He didn't think, he just ran. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't kill me pls
> 
> or do
> 
> let me know what you think in a review or over on tumblr @philscurls <3


	11. freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my lovely beta @snowbunnylester <333

Dan ran until he felt that he couldn't run any further. He had managed to reach a small wooded area not too far from his house. He wanted to go further, he wanted to run all the way into town and try to find the small stationary store that Phil worked in, except there was no way that he could do that because he wasn't physically fit enough to go very far. 

Dan had spent his entire life in the ‘safety’ of his house, so now that he was finally free he felt his heart begin to race with the overwhelming amount of space around him. It was nothing like he had imagined; it was  _ cold _ . Dan had never felt cold before, he was used to the carefully regulated temperature of his house, so the way that his breath manifested as a fine mist whenever he breathed out was alien to him, and he found himself reaching up and trying to grab it in his hand only to open his fist and find that there was nothing there. It was ephemeral. It was gone. Just like everything that Dan had known and believed in. 

Dan felt safer in the shelter of the woods. There was less open space and fewer intimidating houses sprawling around, silently towering over him as though they were judging him for breaking free, almost like they knew that he didn't belong in this world. He  _ didn't  _ belong. He was crouched under a gigantic tree, huddled up on instinct to try and maintain his body temperature, but he knew that this world was completely foreign to himself. He didn't belong outside, but he didn't belong inside either. 

Dan didn't belong anywhere. He needed Phil, Phil always knew what to do when Dan felt lost, but Dan had smashed his phone and he had no way of getting in touch with anyone - he was well and truly on his own for the first time in his life. 

It was strange - Dan was finally free, but not in the way that he wanted - being outside was nothing like he had expected. He ran his fingers through the grass and was surprised to find that it was somehow coarse and soft. He plucked a piece from the ground and brought it up to eye level. It was strange. Was this the sort of plant that Phil grew in his house? This strange, long green thing that seemed as though it had the power to cut his fingers if he ran them along it the wrong way? 

“Phil, you spork,” he muttered to himself, wishing that Phil was actually there for him to playfully insult. 

Dan let the blade of grass drop from his fingers to the ground and rested his head back against the tree, it was hard and coarse against his skin and it was strange to think that he was finally experiencing all those things that he had spent years dreaming about. 

He had finally run his hand through grass, he was breathing in pure, unfiltered air, and he was experiencing the Earth as it was. He wasn't observing it through a pane of glass like it was the largest zoo exhibition to ever exist. He was outside, he was touching it, it was real, and so was he. 

There was a strange feeling in Dan’s chest. It was almost as though he wanted to laugh, cry and scream all at the same time. He wasn't entirely sure whether that was even possible, but he was tempted to try and find out. 

This was it. He had finally gotten what he wanted, but he had never expected the price to be so high. His mother had completely betrayed him in every possible way. Would she follow him? What was she capable of? Would she try and find him and drag him back to that house? The house that had kept him prisoner for years and years of his life? 

Dan knew that it was melodramatic to say, but he genuinely believed that he would rather die than ever go back into that place. He couldn't stand the thought of ever becoming trapped again, his mother had spent his entire life being his jailer, and he wished that her primary concern had been being his mother. It was a sad thought but in the end, that car accident all those years ago had taken so much more than just the lives of his father and brother. It had also taken his mother’s life and Dan’s. 

Dan may have grown up sheltered, but he wasn't an idiot. He knew that normal people wouldn't fabricate an illness in their child if they were mentally stable. He knew that his mother must have a mental illness that had caused her to do these awful things, but somehow it didn't seem like enough. 

It felt like a cop out, as though people would expect him to forgive her for ruining his life because technically she couldn't help it. Maybe she couldn't, but that didn't mean that Dan was under any obligations to forgive her for what she had done to him. She had purposefully caused him pain with the intention of leading him to believe a lie. It was only because he knew that it was a mental illness that he’d decided against asking the doctor for help. He was sure that her help would involve police and other medical professionals sticking their noses into their business and broadcasting their lives as though they weren’t real people. He just wanted a clean break. He didn't want this to drag on. He was exhausted and ready for it to just be over. 

The sky was already beginning to shift from a gentle blue to an orangey pink - almost like the sun’s flames had spread across the whole sky as though they were burning away all traces of light. Dan had never been outside in the dark. He was terrified of being alone inside when it was dark, he had never considered what it would be like to be alone in the dark  _ outside  _ of his house. 

“Be rational,” he muttered to himself, the sound of his own voice breaking the peaceful silence of nature and reminding him that he was really there, he wasn't dreaming. “Wait until it’s a little darker and go to Phil.”

If he tried to make his way to Phil’s house straight away then there was a chance that his mother would see him and try to drag him back into that cage of a house before he could stop her. Dan was genuinely worried that if she ever managed to get him back into that trap then he would never be able to escape a second time. The only reason that he had managed to get away had been because his mother hadn't expected him to even try. As far as she had been concerned, he believed unconditionally that he was ill, which meant that she had never expected him to try and make a run for it. 

However, if she ever managed to get him back in that house, he was sure that it wouldn't be as easy as it had been to just walk out. She would probably padlock the door, and if there was ever a house fire then he was screwed. In fact, she’d probably set the damn fire. Was that something that she was actually capable of? Dan would rather not find out. 

Would he be safe with Phil? Of course he was safe with Phil, but would he be safe staying so close to his mother? Would she think to look for him with Phil? Would Phil even let him stay there? He hadn't asked permission before smashing his phone and running out of his house, but maybe he should have. Words were one thing - it was easy to say things and plan for the future, but Dan had long since had  his doubts that he would ever get that future, so Phil must have had similar doubts. What if he had only said all of that stuff so that Dan would feel better? What if he couldn't be bothered to deal with Dan’s shit? 

Sometimes Dan couldn't be bothered to deal with his own shit, so he wouldn't be surprised if it was all too much for Phil. 

He was going to have to try his luck and hope that Phil was willing to take him in, otherwise he was on his own. Dan wasn't sure how he would be able to survive alone. In all the novels that he had read, the orphaned teen was usually sent to live with a distant family member, but Dan was screwed in that sense because he didn't know of any relatives other than his mother, and he doubted that she would ever tell him if any existed, which meant that he would have to find his own place to stay, and for that he needed money which he couldn't get because in order to apply for a job and a bank account he would need proof of identity and proof of address, neither of which he had. 

Dan’s mother really had done a good job at erasing his existence. If it wasn't for Phil, Dan was sure that he would have lived his whole life in those walls until he died. He had no doubt of that - his mother was ill and she would eventually have gone too far and killed him. Now he was homeless, he had no food, no shelter, and only the thin clothes on his back. All of which could kill him. Was it better to die cold and free, or comfortable and trapped? 

Eventually the sky had darkened enough for Dan to risk creeping out from the small wooded area. His heart was still beating far too fast and he half  expected to feel a hand wrap tightly around his wrist ready to drag him back into that house. 

Thankfully no such grip came, but he was still on edge. He hadn't heard his mother shouting after him at all which meant that she was either letting him go, or laying low and plotting. Dan hoped for the first but he doubted he would be so lucky. His mother had been in control since he had been born, and he didn't think that she was the sort of person who would just let that power go on a whim. 

The air was colder than it had been when Dan had first escaped, and his ears and toes were beginning to sting from the freezing air. He felt miserable. His nose was running, and he didn't have anything other than his sleeve to wipe it on. His cheeks were sore from the way the wind kept brushing against them, and his head was still pounding from all the crying. 

It wasn't how he had imagined his first time outside to go. It was unfair; he had gotten what he wanted in the worst way. If Dan hadn't known better, he would have accused his mother of planning things out so he specifically had a bad time outdoors and  _ wanted  _ to go back indoors. 

Dan wasn't sure what was worse, the threatening darkness of the trees looming behind him or the lack of places to hide in the dimly lit streets that lay ahead. The dull orange lamps that lit up the area were dim enough that people wouldn't be able to pick out his facial features from a distance, but bright enough that people would clearly be able to tell that he was a tall male with curly hair and dressed completely wrong for the weather, meaning that if his mother had filed a report that he was missing then he would look suspicious. 

He wasn't sure if she would have filed a report but he couldn't put it passed her. All she had to say was that he was ill and delirious with a fever and no one would listen to anything that he had to say until it was far too late to matter. 

Dan loitered on the corner of the street that contained both his mother’s and Phil’s homes. He was half hidden by a hedge that was growing over the pavement through a fence that contained someone’s garden. There were lights on in his mother’s house, and he was sixty percent sure that she must have been inside. She was a big believer in turning lights off after yourself, which made sense when Dan thought of the electricity bill that she must have been paying to get filtered air 24/7.  It had all been unnecessary in the end. 

Thankfully, on a happier note, Phil’s lights were also on - every single one of them. If Dan’s mother was an energy saver, then Phil was the guy who was negating all her hard work by leaving every light in his house turned on. Dan had once asked him about it in one of their phone calls and Phil had simply said ‘I’m not used to being on my own’ and that had been that. It was said in a way that clearly expressed that Phil didn't want to talk about it, and Dan had respected that. 

Dan decided that the best thing to do would be to walk with confidence. He didn't want to draw any suspicion, which meant he needed to draw as little attention as possible, and the best way to do that was to act like he belonged where he was - which he did. He was healthy and he had every right to be standing on that street. So with his heart in his mouth and his body shaking from a mixture of fear and cold, Dan strode forward. 

He was walking along the same path that he had sprinted down not so long ago that day. When he had been running, he’d had no intentions of ever returning to a place so close to the house he had been trapped in, and yet there he was, purposefully walking closer and closer. For Phil. 

It was always for Phil. 

Dan just hoped that he was as important in Phil’s mind. 

He paused for a second, looking at the house that had kept him prisoner for so long. It looked so normal and innocent. It looked like any other family home, and it just went to prove that you couldn't assume what was going on inside a person’s life. 

It was with his heart fluttering in his chest like a hummingbird’s wings that Dan finally turned his back on his old house and walked up the steps to Phil’s home. He stood there for a moment wondering whether he should use the doorbell or just knock. Which one would be expected of him? He had never thought to ask Phil about doorway etiquette. It hadn't been very far up on Dan’s list of priorities. 

Dan decided to ring the doorbell. From experience of his mother’s he knew that they rang louder inside of the house than the noise they made outside, whereas if he knocked it could have been loud and attracted unwanted attention.  The doorbell made a strange buzzing noise that made it sound as though the batteries in it were dying, but Danjust hoped that it had done its job.  

It apparently had, as Dan heard the rustling of a key in a lock and muffled muttering as the person on the other side struggled to open the door. That was when it occurred to Dan that he was going to see Phil. Of course he had  _ seen  _ him before, but this time he was going to see him up close - he would be able to reach out and touch him. He would be right there. It seemed stupid, but out of everything, that was what freaked Dan out the most. 

Dan half expected the door to open in slow motion, the way it would in a movie, or for it to open and there would be no one there, but nothing of the sort happened. Instead, it was pulled open and there was Phil. 

The first thing that struck Dan was how blue his eyes were. He hadn't noticed that before, but they were like the ocean, different shades of blue all mixing together like waves, and Dan felt as though he could quite easily go swimming in them. Maybe if he wasn't careful then he would end up drowning. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. Dan would happily drown in Phil’s eyes. He was so caught up in staring at Phil that he didn't realise that the poor guy was seemingly having a mental breakdown at the sight of Dan outside. 

“-it’s definitely around here somewhere, come on get in here! Wait, no, don't. Is it safer inside or outside? I have a lot of plants and I haven't dusted in a month but outside has plants too and no one ever dusts out there, damn ok get in here,” Dan was dragged into the house by the collar of his shirt. “Right, um, what do I do? Should I call an ambulance?”

“An ambulance? What, Phil, no, of course not,” Dan said. 

“You’re right, we have time to get you to the hospital ourselves,” Phil stated with a small nod to himself as he left Dan standing in the hallway to rake through some drawers in the next room.

“Phil, I’m not going to the hospital,” Dan said. 

“You’re not? Is the fever already affecting you? You definitely look a little flushed. Hold on, I know that the thermometer is around here somewhere. My mum made sure I had all the basic first aid things when I moved out. She said that I was too accident prone to go anywhere without a first aid kit and a way to call an ambulance,” Phil said as he raked. “Aha! Got it. Oh wait.”

“What?” Dan asked, not liking the way he had said to wait. 

“It’s got a warning saying rectal use only,” Phil said apologetically. “Do you want to do or should I?”

“Phil? Wha- Phil!” Dan spluttered. 

“I know, I’m surprised they still make these too. You’d think they would be a bit more considerate of people’s comfort,” Phil said. 

“Rectal thermometers are for infants and animals, and I’m not sick,” Dan said. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean my mother was lying the entire time.” 

There was a brief moment silence where Dan stared at Phil and Phil stared at the thermometer as though he were debating whether to just shove it in any of Dan’s orifices to prove that he was pyrexic and delirious. 

“She made it up?” Phil asked.

“Every part of it,” Dan said. “And what’s worse is that I actually believed her.”

“You couldn't do anything but believe her. You were conditioned from a young age to think that she was always protecting you,” Phil said instantly, “but how did you find out? Surely she wouldn't have admitted that?”

“No, it was the doctor. That specialist that you gave me the number for. She said that there was pretty much nothing in my file at all. I don't have any record of anything to do with an immune disorder. I don't have any record of any illnesses - there’s just nothing,” Dan said, and he looked at the way that Phil was running a hand through his hair - part of him wishing that he could run a hand through Phil’s hair - and wondered if it was too much to pile onto a person. His problems weren’t easy ones.

“Dan, you're so easy to read, I can see that guilt on your face. What are you thinking?” Phil asked. 

“I don't know. It’s just all a confusing mess and I don't even know what to think myself, but here I am dragging you into it all too, and I know that it’s all a massive clusterfuck but I couldn't help it, I just can't go-”

“Dan!” Phil interjected swiftly, giving him a look that indicated that he thought Dan was being an idiot in the kindest possible way, which left Dan wondering how such a look could  _ be  _ kind. “You’re so dense sometimes. Do you really think I would have said any of the stuff that I have over the time we’ve been speaking if I wasn't prepared to handle your problems?”

“I don’t know, you could’ve just been trying to be nice to me?” Dan said sounding so unsure of himself that it sounded more like a question. 

“God you really are daft,” Phil said with a snigger that confused Dan.

“I don't understand.”

“I know, and that’s what’s driving me insane. I haven’t been at all discreet with the way I feel and the things I say, but still they are just flying over your head,” Phil said, and Dan gave him a pathetic, half hearted glare. 

“You’re confusing,” Dan decided. “Everything is confusing. Nothing makes sense anymore. I wish things would just go back to the way that they used to be.”

“No you don't,” Phil said. 

“I don't?”

“No. I know things seem like a bit of a mess right now and I’m really sorry that I’m adding to that confusion, it wasn't fair of me to do that, but you should never want things to go back to the way they were.” 

“Why not?” Dan asked after a brief pause where he tried to make sense of the gibberish that seemed to be pouring from Phil’s mouth. 

“Because you’re free now,” Phil said simply. “Remember that list that we made? The one that you called your reverse bucket list?”

“You mean the list  _ you  _ made and I named because it was a silly idea that neither of us believed would ever be possible?” Dan corrected. 

“I always believed in you,” Phil said certainly. “And guess what? I was right. Me and you are going to complete that entire list together.”

“I wish it were that easy,” Dan sighed. 

“Why can't it be?”

“Because I ran away from home, Phil, I broke out and my mother tried to stop me. She could get me back in there and then I’ll never be free again.” 

“Have you considered phoning someone?” Phil asked cautiously, as though he were assessing Dan’s expression between each word.

“Calling who? I don't know anyone else I’m related to. I’ve been kept completely isolated,” Dan said. 

“No, not family, like a professional. Someone who would be able to help you and your mum, because by the sounds of it, she has some serious problems. It's like that condition, the um what do you call it? Mun-something? You know that thing where parents have a mental illness that leads to them hurting their kids and taking them for unnecessary treatments?” Phil asked. 

“I think it sounds about right, but I’m not a professional. I can't diagnose her, and I don't want to go to a professional because what if-” Dan broke off. 

“What if what?”

“What if I’m the problem?” he asked quietly. “What if I was just such a difficult child when I was younger that I caused this? Maybe this is all my fault really.”

“Stop that!” Phil said sternly. “There is nothing that could ever make me believe that this is your fault. There’s only one person to blame, and that’s your mum.” 

“Thank you,” Dan said earnestly. He hoped that Phil knew that he was thanking him for so much more than just his kind words.

Dan realised that they were sitting closer than he had ever sat with anyone before. Their thighs were pressed together, and they were both twisted, almost uncomfortably, so that they were staring at each other. 

Phil’s eyes looked better close up, and Dan wanted to reach up and brush away the strand of hair that was hanging over them when he blinked hard in confusion at the way his head suddenly began to spin in circles. 

“Dan? Are you alright?” Phil asked, and Dan wondered who had poured water in his ears because everything was muffled and distorted. 

“I don't know,” Dan muttered. 

He tore his eyes away from Phil’s just in time to lean over without a shred of dignity left and empty his stomach all over Phil’s knees and carpet, the sting of acid and bile bringing tears to his eyes. He could hear a panicked rambling, and Dan felt Phil’s arms around his shoulders. He had just enough time to think about the irony of how badly he had wanted Phil to hold him, and he wished it was under any other circumstances, before he succumbed to the darkness and passed out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the amazing comments and asks i've been getting!! you really inspire me to keep writing <333
> 
> let me know what you thought in the comments or on tumblr @philscurls <3


	12. hospital

Phil had decided that he hated hospitals; he didn't like the weird smell that filled the air, he didn’t like the people walking around with serious expressions, he didn't like the fact that it was a place where people cried, and he didn't like the stupid floors. He hated the stupid linoleum flooring  that was patched up with duct tape for the health and safety of those who might trip on that particular bit of flooring that was peeling up. Of course they couldn't just replace the flooring, that was too expensive for just one little hole, but as Phil looked at all the different patches of duct tape he wondered when all those little holes would become enough to change the whole floor. He was the  outsider looking at the whole picture rather than the poor soul who walked around with a roll of duct tape groaning and muttering ‘not another one’. It was easy for him to see the big picture as he was a fresh pair of eyes looking at the situation. 

So when would someone see his bigger picture and realise that he was slowly losing his mind along with the hours that slowly creeped by as his backside got more and more numb from the solid plastic chair that he was sitting on while he waited to hear news on Dan’s condition. He had expected more.

He had expected to be questioned about Dan’s mother and how he had gotten to know Dan but none of that had happened. He had simply told the ambulance crew as much as he knew about the situation  and they had passed all the information over to the staff in the emergency department while a receptionist refused to allow Phil through to the place where they keeping Dan. She told him to take a seat instead of interfering and that someone would come and get him when they were ready. 

Phil was fed up with the stupid receptionist, sitting there on her stupid high horse in the form of a stupid swivelly chair. He hoped she spun right off of it and fell on her stupid arse. She was stupid. No, he shook his head to himself and snorted because he probably looked insane to people passing by, she wasn't stupid; she was just doing her job and he was growing increasingly more frustrated at the lack of information he had been given. The way she was wearing her glasses, however, was very stupid as they were sitting on top of her head rather than on her nose where they would have actually been useful and she was squinting at her computer screen for ages as she searched for the patients that impatient visitors were asking after. 

Despite all of that Phil decided to chance his luck again and he made his way up to the receptionist’s desk, not missing the pitying glances from other people in the waiting room who knew that he was just going to be turned away and told to keep waiting as he had every other time that he had gone to ask for news about Dan. 

“Excuse me?” he asked, trying to sound as apologetic as possible. He  _ knew  _ that he was being annoying, he was well aware of that fact, but that wasn't going to stop him from making his way to Dan’s side. 

“Sir,” the receptionist said with a long suffering sigh, “I’ve already told you that someone will come and get you when they’re ready.”

“I know, I know, I really am sorry but could you at least find out if he’s alright? Just to give me a little peace of mind?  _ Please?”  _ Phil pleaded. He hoped that the receptionist had a sympathetic streak inside that would allow her to concede. 

“Look at all these people sitting around, I’m not running around as a messenger pigeon for them, so why would I do the same for you?” the receptionist asked in a tone that made Phil feel as though he was two foot tall. 

“Oh, right.” Phil murmured and walked away with his head hanging and tried to ignore the stares that he was getting. 

He plonked himself back down on his plastic chair which hadn't even cooled in his short time away from it, his phone was almost out of battery and he had nothing to do except stare at the clock and worry about why he hadn't heard anything about Dan.

Phil had never felt more afraid than he had when he was holding up an unconscious Dan who had a temperature so high that Phil was almost afraid that he was too late as he felt the flames of fever on Dan’s skin. He had waited impatiently for the ambulance to arrive, clutching Dan as fears that maybe there really was something wrong with his immune system licked at his mind and willed him to give in to the panic that was threatening at the edges and making his fingers tremble.

He still had the stains of vomit on him after hastily washing the worst off in one of the hospital toilets and drying himself as best he could under the weakly powered hand dryers. Phil knew what people were thinking; a man covered in vomit looking stressed as alternated between asking to see his friend and sitting slumped in a chair. They would all assume that he and Dan had just had one too many to drink and they had to do the walk of shame into Accident and Emergency. 

Phil wished that was as simple as having a little too much to drink, their lives would be so much easier if that was the worst of their problems, but instead he had a list of issues to try and work through in his mind. 

The main one was the fact that Dan supposedly wasn't ill. His own mum had apparently lied to him and led him to believe that he had a major illness when in fact he had been completely fine, it was too much for Phil to comprehend and he wanted to scream just thinking about it all, especially as he had seen Dan quite clearly throw up and pass out. Which begged the question, what if he really was ill? 

Everything was confusing and made no sense, did Dan have SCID? Was he really ill? Was this all just some sort of cosmic joke? Phil really hoped not. Despite the complete betrayal and devastation that Dan had lost so many years of his life, Phil had seen the hope in his eyes at the possibility of being able to do all the things that he had missed out on as he had grown up, he just hoped that Dan wasn't really ill. 

Maybe he really was fine, but it was just a strange coincidence that Dan had fallen ill immediately after leaving his house. Even the thought was ridiculous, it really seemed more likely that Dan really was ill. Phil had been confused when Dan had turned up on his doorstep spluttering about the specialist saying that he wasn't ill because he had nothing documented in his medical file, but what if it was just a really random medical glitch, what if their system had malfunctioned and erased Dan’s file? What if Dan really was ill but the specialist had convinced him that he wasn't meaning that he had almost killed himself by leaving the house? 

Phil didn't know any more, it was all too confusing. He just wanted Dan to be safe and happy, but those two things didn't seem to exist in the same world. If Dan was safe and away from things that could kill him then he was going to be miserable, but then if he was free and happy then he was going to be in danger. There didn't seem to be any middle ground, unless Dan really wasn't ill but that seemed unlikely giving the situation that Phil had found himself in. 

“Mr Lester?” Phil looked up to see a man wearing purply red scrubs, the badge around his neck indicating that he was a doctor.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry about the wait there, we weren’t aware that you were Mr Howell’s next of kin, his file had his mother listed but despite his drowsiness he informed us of the change quite urgently. He’s been asking for you too, it seems your partner is missing you.” the doctor said with a smile as though he hadn't just said the world’s most confusing sentence. 

“You didn't call his mum did you?” Phil asked, trying to prioritise what was most important for Dan’s safety in that moment. 

“No, he was quite adamant that she wasn't to know where he is.” 

Phil nodded as he pieced things together in his mind. Dan must have lied to the medical staff and told them that they were  _ together _ . If he were under any other circumstances then maybe Phil would have basked in that for a moment and enjoyed the fact that they were ‘boyfriends’, but it wasn't any other situation and Dan was in hospital and possibly fighting for his life. 

“I heard the whole story from the paramedics and I’m going to be completely honest, this is an extremely rare situation,” the doctor continued, “Mr Howell has said that he didn't want to take things further and attempt to press charges against his mother therefore, seen as he is an adult with full capacity to make decisions, we can’t really take matters further as much as I would be tempted to do so.”

“I know,” Phil said dejectedly. He understood that it wasn't as easy as simply saying someone had done something wrong and waiting for their punishment to be doled out, but the way the doctor was speaking light the flame of hope that Dan wasn't ill after all. 

It was all a complicated mess and the most important thing was Dan’s wishes. Phil tried to put himself in Dan’s shoes and imagine what he would do if he was in that situation. It was impossible to even try to imagine. Part of him thought that he would happily take it as far as possible and make sure that the person who had hurt him suffered just as much as he had but then he imagined that that person that hurt him was his own mum. 

His gentle, overly happy mum who set bees free when they were trapped inside and bouncing off the windows and bumping their tiny heads. She would kiss her sons’ knees when they scraped them as kids and send them on their way with dried cheeks and colourful plasters that weren’t needed but healed the emotional wounds more than the physical ones. Phil couldn't imagine her trying to hurt him and if she did he wasn't sure if he would want to confront her or take things further. 

“How is Dan doing?” Phil asked as he shook those thoughts from his head and reminded himself that he was here to make sure Dan was going to be ok, he needed to put his own thoughts to the side and focus on his fake boyfriend. 

“We’re treating him for what we’ve diagnosed as  pneumonia,” the doctor said but the words made no sense to Phil, wasn't pneumonia an old person disease? “has Mr Howell had a cold or the flu recently? The mixtures of medication and stress have made him quite drowsy so we weren't able to get an accurate history from him.”

“Yeah, not too long ago he was really ill, he was complaining about it for ages but at the time we thought that he had caught something and it was all to do with his immune disorder but after finding out what his mum has been doing I don’t know what to believe any more.”

“I understand that it’s probably very confusing but I can say with absolute certainty that Dan does not have Severe Combined Immunodeficiency, we have done blood tests to reiterate that point but from what we can see it looks like he just has an incredibly weak immune system caused by the years of isolation. Most children build up an immunity from the moment they start interacting with other children and come home from school with sniffles and colds, but Dan didn't get that chance which means he’s going to be prone to a lot of bugs at the moment.”

“So he will have to stay indoors?” Phil asked trying to hide the horror that he was feeling at the thought of telling Dan that he wasn't allowed to go outside again.

“Not at all, but he will have to be sensible. No trips to overcrowded places until he has a stronger immune system. He needs to exercise caution but he doesn’t have to sacrifice his life for it,” the doctor explained, “but we can talk about that later, right now we have a lot to deal with to make sure we manage to get Mr Howell back on his feet.”

“How could Dan not realise that he had pneumonia?” Phil asked. 

“Well, he probably had no idea that he had it if he was operating under the belief that he was recovering from something more serious and young people’s bodies are remarkable at compensating until the last possible moment, I once met a young man who was stabbed and didn't come into the hospital until a few days later. I also doubt that his mother was too concerned about his healing rate, she would have wanted to keep him poorly as long as possible.”

“Why did she do this?” Phil asked. 

“My guess, and I just want to be clear that this is not a diagnosis as I have never met Mrs Howell, would be Fabricated or Induced Illness which was once known as Munchausen By Proxy. It’s a pretty serious form of child abuse where a parent causes harm to their child, but this case is even more unusual as it has gone on beyond childhood and into adulthood.”

“Can it be treated?”

“With psychotherapy and the appropriate medical professionals it is possible to start repairing relationships and allow the parent to see where they’ve gone wrong but it’s very complex as a lot of parents aren't willing to admit that they were abusive towards their children and in some extreme cases they genuinely believe that their child is ill.”

“So if Dan wanted to take things further what could he really do?” Phil asked.

“He could attempt to get her detained under the mental health act where she would be placed in a locked psychiatric ward and given the appropriate resources to help her overcome this mental health disorder.” the doctor sighed, “it’s harder than it sounds, there would have to be proof, it would have to be deemed to be the best interest for her and for Dan, and even then they can still refuse to section her.”

“So it’s a lot of stress for a  _ chance _ ?” Phil asked, he was unimpressed with the idea that it was so hard to come by the appropriate support for abuse victims and people suffering from mental health problems. 

“I know that it’s frustrating, but you have to do what you think is in the best interests of everyone involved,” the doctor said and Phil hated how rational he sounded.

It was easy for him to say, but what happened when the best interests of each person resulted in different options? For Dan, Phil knew it would be best for a clean break, Dan had expressed his wishes to be free and independent multiple times and now that he was, Phil couldn't imagine any way that he would agree to confront his mum again. Then again, while that was in Dan’s best interest, maybe confronting his mum and getting help would be in her best interest. 

Phil didn't say anything more to the doctor as he spotted Dan and had to fight the urge to run straight to his side. He had been put in a side room with an isolation sign on the door and there were masks outside. 

“It's a precaution, because Dan’s immune system is so underdeveloped we don't want him to have to deal with anything more than he already is so we are making sure all staff members are masked up before entering.” the doctor explained as he saw the way that Phil’s brow furrowed in confusion. 

“Oh,” Phil murmured as he picked up a disposable mask and tied it around his mouth and nose, wincing at the way that the ties trapped pieces of his hair between them and the wire dug into the bridge of his nose. 

“I’ll give you a few moments,” the doctor said before giving Phil a pat on the shoulder and leaving him alone.

“Dan?” Phil whispered, he wasn't sure why he felt the need to whisper as he closed the door behind himself but he did it anyway.

Dan looked pale and had a sheen of sweat covering his forehead. If it wasn't for the light hearted smirk on his face, Phil would have felt concerned for his life. 

“You’ve joined the mask team?” Dan asked him, his voice sounding hoarse but still like himself. 

“Is it a good look on me?” Phil joked as he lifted his chin up to playfully model the mask for Dan. 

“Yeah-” Dan broke off in a coughing fit that sounded so painful that it made Phil wince, “it really brings out the size of your forehead.”

“Rude,” Phil murmured with no heat behind the word, “I’ll have you know that my forehead is the perfect size for my brain.”

“There are so many insults that you just opened up with that comment,” Dan murmured, “are you going to sit down? Or just look at me like I’m dying all day?”

“I’m not, I mean I don't think that, you're not dying!” Phil spluttered before changing the subject away from Dan’s mortality, “besides, I think it would make more sense if we just made you wear the mask, cover up your face instead.”

“Hmm, not yet at least, I’ve still got some fight left in me.” Dan said, “besides, they would never make me wear the mask. I’m too pretty for that.”

“Wow, your ego is surviving, and you’d better recover quickly, we have some things planned, remember?” Phil said, avoiding calling them ‘dates’ even though they both knew that that’s what they were. There were better places than a hospital to discuss their feelings.

“I’m holding you to those plans,” Dan said, “you’d have to kill me to get out of them.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening because despite everything I kinda like having you around.” Phil said trying to make it sound like a joke so that Dan wouldn't read into the deeper meanings. 

“The doctor said that I’ll probably have to spend the night here but I should be free tomorrow.” Dan said, as he caught Phil’s eyes staring at the bags of fluid that were making their way into Dan’s veins. 

“What are those?” Phil asked, they didn't look like things that Dan could take home with him. 

“Well the big one is fluids apparently, they said that I’m dehydrated so they’re giving me some of those to top me up a little, they say it’ll go a long way to helping me to recover from this.” Dan said. 

“And the little ones?” Phil asked. 

“They’re antibiotics, for the pneumonia, they want to make sure I get a few doses directly into the vein because my immune system is crap, but if it’s effective then they’ll switch me to tablets and send me on my way.” Dan explained. 

It was all too reminiscent of the days when he would talk to Dan on the phone and listen to his problems, wishing that he was able to do something to help, but knowing that it was impossible. He was powerless. The medications were the only things that could help Dan to recover - he was just useless. 

“Hey,” Dan said softly drawing Phil’s attention.

“What?” Phil asked, his mind immediately jumping to the worst case scenario, was he hurt? Struggling to breathe? In pain? Thankfully when Dan answered it was none of those things. 

“It’ll all be alright.” Dan said simply with a shrug of his shoulders.

Phil laughed humorlessly, he hadn't realised that tears had filled his eyes or that he had gravitated to Dan’s bedside and was crouching down so that they were at eye level with each other. 

“You’re not supposed to be reassuring me.” Phil told him. 

“Why not?” 

“Because you’re the one in the hospital bed, if anything it should be me reassuring you that everything is going to be ok.” Phil said. 

“Why would you say that if you don’t believe it?” Dan asked and Phil swallowed, he hadn't realised that his worries had been so obvious. He had been trying to avoid letting Dan know that little fact because he hadn't wanted to stress him out any more than he already was. 

“You do believe that?” Phil asked. 

“Of course, no matter what happens we’ll get through this,” Dan said, “and I know that because I have you by my side and I’m finally free.”

“Of course you have me, you idiot, you’ve had me since the first day we spoke.” Phil promised. 

“That’s good,” Dan said breathlessly, “you know that these past few months have been the best of my life? I never thought that I’d find someone who was so easy to talk to, and even though my life is a mess and I’m a mess, you’ve been so overwhelmingly supportive of me through everything.”

“Well there’s more where that came from, just you wait and see.” Phil said honestly, “we have a whole list of things to do planned. No matter what, you’re going to get all those experiences you missed out on.”

“That’s going to be good, we’re going to go on so many adventures, me and you against the world.” Dan’s words were cut off by light snores and Phil snickered to himself at the way Dan had just fallen asleep mid sentence. 

“Yeah, Dan, me and you against the world,” he said through his laughter, “after you get your beauty sleep at least.”

Phil couldn't help the amused smiled that spread across his face as he watched Dan snooze. His lips were ever so slightly parted and his eyelashes brushed against his cheeks. If Phil looked passed the sickly pallor and sheen of sweat then Dan just looked innocent. He looked fresh and innocent against the harsh realities that were his life. 

Phil could almost imagine that Dan had a normal life, that he hadn't been burned by the years of damage caused by having an abusive mother. Phil wished that he could make her pay for what she had done to Dan, he wanted nothing more than to see her suffer as she had made her own son suffer. The thought made him stop short. It was completely unlike him to wish such a thing on a person, but when he saw Dan lying there in the hospital bed having done nothing to harm anyone or anything, he couldn't deny that he wanted to hurt the person who had put him there.

He couldn't do that though, there was no way that he could even begin to think of a way to do that. So instead he had to do what he could, he could make sure that Dan was safe. He could make sure that Dan was safe, he could offer him somewhere to stay, he could make sure his mum never managed to get to him ever again. That was if Dan would let him. 

Dan was stubborn and headstrong, he was determined to survive on his own. He always wanted to prove to people this his ‘condition’ didn't define him, he had wanted to get a job and make a living from his home and Phil had always admired his strength. 

What now though? What would Dan do now? He was finally free and he could live his life, would he even want to be with Phil now that he had other options? Or would he want to move on and explore his new world alone? He had mentioned having Phil by his side but had he really meant what he had said? Once the adrenaline wore off there was a chance that he might think differently. He might find Phil more of a hindrance than anything else.

If Dan decided to move on alone then Phil would step back and let him, of course he would, but even the thought of it sent a dagger straight to his chest and every breath felt like someone was twisting it. It hurt, but he would do it for Dan. He would do anything for Dan. Even if what Dan needed most was for Phil to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought!! there's only one more chapter and the epilogue to go!! ahhhh <333
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr @philscurls <33 love you guys!! xxxx


	13. kiss me in the pouring rain

“Today’s the day!” Dan announced the second that Phil walked in to the hospital ward to see him, he was wearing that particular button up shirt that made his eyes appear brighter and Dan’s heart skip a beat before racing twice as fast, it was just a relief that he was no longer hooked up to a cardiac monitor because that would have been a challenge to explain.

“I can't believe they’re releasing such a menace into society,” Phil muttered in response but Dan saw the way his lips curved into a smile as he turned his head away as though he was trying to hide his amusement, “personally I think they’ve just had enough, two days with you and they’re practically begging me to take you away and give them some peace.”

“Oh haha, you’re such a comedian.” Dan said sarcastically, as his eyes fixated on an eyelash that had fallen on Phil’s cheek, what would happen if he reached out and picked it off? How would Phil react? He was tempted to try it and find out but before he could do anything of the sort Phil started to talk again. 

“Really though, have you thought about where you want to go from here?” Phil asked and Dan felt his stomach plummet.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, was this Phil’s way of telling him that he couldn't stay in his house, that he had to find someone else to put up with his bullshit? Had he finally pushed Phil to the breaking point and the older man was fed up with him always needing something? Honestly, Dan wouldn't blame him if he was done, he  _ couldn't  _ blame him. 

“Well, I offered you a place to stay with me,” Phil said. 

“You really meant that?” Dan asked, he hadn't been completely sure, part of him had suspected that the offer had been purely for the sake of being polite. 

“I wouldn't have offered if I didn't.” Phil said so honestly that Dan couldn't help but to believe him. 

“Then please, that would mean more to me than I could ever say.” Dan said. 

“So where should we go?” Phil asked, “I was personally thinking further up North, maybe somewhere a little closer to my parents. It's been too long since I’ve seen them and I miss being able to visit regularly.”

“Go? Wait, what?” Dan asked in confusion, “what do you mean?”

“I’ve been thinking about it and if you’re staying with me then we can’t live so close to your mum. I wouldn't want to stay there knowing that that- that woman who put you through so much was living just across the road. I don't want to take the risk of her knowing where you are.” Phil said. 

Dan couldn't speak, he didn't know what to say, how could he respond to that? Here was Phil, the man that he secretly had pretty intense feelings for, offering to leave behind his home and life for Dan. it was too much to process, he couldn't understand why he would ever want to do such a thing. 

“That’s your home.” Dan said quietly. 

“That was never my home Dan, it’s just a house I rent, it was somewhere cheap to stay with a job just around the corner.” Phil explained.

A million questions filtered through Dan’s mind in that moment. Why that particular house? Why so far from his parents? In the end, why would he move to a place that he had no ties to for a job that he didn't even seem to enjoy? There was more to the story than Dan knew, but if he asked, would he get an honest answer? 

“Phil, I-” Dan paused to think about how best to word his sentence as to not accidentally offend Phil, “I appreciate the thought but-”

“You don't want to.” Phil finished, looking determinedly passed Dan, unwilling to meet his eyes.

“No! No, I want nothing more than to live with you, but Phil, I can't expect you to do that for me.” Dan said, “I can't ask you to move away from everything you’ve made here just to put some distance between me and my mother. What’s to stop her from following me? Or maybe she won’t even try, maybe she’ll just stay where she is and leave me alone. She has to know that it's impossible for things to go back to the way they used to be.”

“Dan, take a breath, calm down.” Phil said soothingly, “I would never do anything I didn't want to do, so you can't blame yourself for my decisions.”

“But-”

“No, Dan, I know that your mother often made you feel guilty for her decisions because she made them your fault when they ended badly, but that isn't a reflection on you. You can't take responsibility for everyone, you have to trust me to make my own decisions and you have to trust that even if they end badly then I’ll be the one to take responsibility for the consequences.” Phil said in a rush as though he were afraid of Dan interrupting him. 

“You think I do that?”

“I know you do, Dan, I’ve heard you speak of ways in which you could have done things differently after your mum screwed up.” Phil said.

Dan paused to think about what Phil was saying, it was all true. 

“I just don't want you to move for me.” Dan said. 

“What if it’s for me as well?” Phil asked.

“You wanted to move closer to your parents?” Dan asked remembering that Phil had just said that he missed visiting them. 

It was difficult for Dan to understand that because he didn't have a great relationship with his own mother, so the thought of willingly visiting parents was bizarre. Phil’s family wasn't Dan’s family though, he had to remember that. There was nothing indicative of a toxic relationship when Phil spoke about his parents, he had to make sure that he didn't mix his own feelings towards his mother up with his perception of Phil’s family. It wasn't fair to judge them before he knew them.

“I used to make a point of seeing them regularly, it was always one of my biggest fears - to see them suddenly look old because so long had gone between my visits.” Phil explained. 

“That’s-” Dan paused trying to think of the right thing to say, trying to think of what he would say if he’d had a normal relationship with his mother, “sweet?”

“You don't have to lie to me Dan, I get that you don't understand. You don't have to fake it for my sake.” Phil said. 

“So this moving away, you want this?” Dan asked again, he had to be sure. 

“I do, and if you come with me then it could be a fresh start for the two of us.” Phil said. 

“A fresh start,” Dan repeated, “it seems too good to be true.”

“Why’s that?” Phil asked. 

“Because it’s never that simple,” Dan said, he had read the books and seen the movies, it could never be as easy as Phil seemed to think.

“It could be,” Phil said with a small shrug, we could quite easily have the life we want, “what better way to reclaim some of those missed experiences than moving house?”

“That easy?” Dan asked. 

“Why not?”

“I can think of a million reasons.” Dan said. 

“Go on then,” Phil said with a shrug, “tell me your million reasons.”

“Well, I may not know much about the world but I know that if you want to rent a place you have a tenancy agreement, how are you going to get out of that?” Dan asked. 

“New law passed a couple of months ago saying that landlords couldn't force their tenants into an agreement, if I wanted to up and leave right now then I could.” Phil said and Dan paused, this sounded like something that he had been considering for a while. 

“Alright, what about money?” Dan asked, “you said that you picked your place because the rent was cheap, how would we be able to get a different one?” 

“The houses are cheaper up North, the closer you get to London, the more pricey it gets.” Phil said.

“Your job?” Dan asked, he was beginning to clutch at straws and he knew it. 

“Dan, come on, you know I hate my job,” Phil said rolling his eyes, “I know you want this, so what on earth is holding you back?”

“I don't want you to regret this, I don't want you to move across the country with me only to realise that you're fed up of having me around. I couldn't bear to watch you grow to hate me.” Dan admitted. 

“Well that’s not going to happen,” Phil promised him, “I could never hate you.”

“Never say never.” Dan warned. 

“No, I’m saying it,” Phil said stubbornly, “I will  _ never  _ get sick of having you around. I will  _ never  _ hate you.”

“How can you know for sure?” Dan asked, there was never any certainty in life, if Dan had learned anything then it was that. 

“Would you ever hate me?” Phil asked in return.

“No,” Dan said. 

“Why not?” Phil asked. 

“That;s different.” Dan said. 

“How so?”

What Dan wanted to say was ‘because I’m hopelessly in love with you and I find your very presence intoxicating’ but he couldn't admit that, he couldn't say anything that would drive Phil away just as he was about to sacrifice everything for Dan. it wasn't fair. 

“It just is, I-” Dan was cut off by the door to his room swinging open.

“I come bearing freedom papers and drugs.” A bubbly nurse announced as she made her way into the room holding a letter and a bag containing Dan’s antibiotic prescription.

“I’m free?” Dan asked. 

“As a bird,” the nurse confirmed, “now make sure you stick to those times for you tablets and finish the entire course.”

“I will.” Dan promised. 

“And don’t forget to slowly build up your immunity, I don't want to see you back in this place any time soon because you decided to do something silly.”

“I know, I’ll take it easy.”

“And you’ll make sure he keeps that promise?” the nurse asked as she looked towards Phil.

“As best I can, he can be a bit stubborn.” Phil said. 

“Me? Stubborn? I think you have that one the wrong way round, I’ve never met anyone more stubborn than you are.” Dan argued. 

“The fact that you’re even having this debate with me just goes to prove that you're way more stubborn than I could ever be.” Phil snickered. 

“You’re also having this debate.” Dan said sticking out his tongue.

“Alright children calm down.” the nurse said jokingly, “I thought you’d be itching to get out of here, Dan, not sticking around to have a lovers quarrel.”

Dan felt his cheeks burning, he and Phil hadn't actually discussed the fact that Dan had told everyone that Phil was his partner. They had just subtly ignored that fact and neither of them had been willing to bring up the topic. Dan wasn't sure what Phil thought about the little white lie that he had told but if he mentioned it then Dan would just lie and tell him that it was only so the doctors would list him as next of kin instead of calling his mother. 

Which was the reason, really it was, but it just so happened that Dan liked calling Phil his partner. He liked it when the nurses would knock on his door and tell him his partner was in to visit, he even felt a thrill when someone had asked if his partner would be picking him up when he was discharged home. 

Dan was hopelessly messed up over someone who classed him as a friend. Despite his own wishes he couldn't be selfish about it, he couldn't just admit his feelings and put that sort of pressure on Phil because there was a chance that Phil felt as though he was obligated to help Dan out, maybe he wasn't really wanting to but he’d become roped into it because he was too much of a good person to turn away the boy across the road with nowhere else to go. 

No, he had to stop thinking like that, Phil had corrected him time and time again. Phil had told him before that he was helping because he wanted to. Maybe it was harder for Dan to accept because Phil’s friendship wasn't enough. He kept trying to tell himself that it was, that he didn't need anything more, but really it was just a lie. He wanted more and he didn't know how to deal with the fact that he would never get what he wanted.

“You gonna escape that mind of yours anytime soon?” Phil asked as he clicked his fingers in front of Dan’s face and pulled him out of his thoughts. 

“Of course, come on let's get out of this place.” Dan mumbled. 

“I’ve got your bag.” Phil said. 

Dan held in a snort; ‘his bag’ was really an old rucksack that belonged to Phil and it was stuffed with Phil’s clothes that he had lent to Dan out of the kindness of his own heart as Dan had nothing at all.

“I also got you a present,” Phil said. 

“A present? What for? It's not my birthday,” Dan mumbled. 

“It doesn’t have to be a special occasion to show appreciation to the people you love.” Phil said with a shrug. 

“So what is this present?” Dan asked, trying not to think about the way that Phil had said ‘the people you love’, did that mean that he was one of the people that Phil loved? In what context though? A friend? Brother? Something more? 

“Here,” Phil murmured as he handed something sleek and black to Dan while they walked down the corridors. 

“A phone?” Dan asked, turning it over in his hands.

“After you smashed your last one, not that I blame you for that, I figured you could use a new one,” Phil said, “it's nothing amazing, it's just a cheap piece of rubbish but it has ten pounds of credit and it can make and recieve texts and phone calls which is what matters I guess.”

“Phil this is too much,” Dan said staring at the phone like it was the fanciest thing he had ever laid eyes on.

“No it’s hardly enough,” Phil corrected him, “I need you to have a way to contact me or anyone for help, just in case something happens.”

“Thank you,” Dan said as he put the phone away carefully into his pocket, “really, thank you so much.”

“You're welcome,” Phil said giving him that same boyish grin that had drawn Dan’s attention to him all those months ago when they had been talking through a window. 

“Phil, wait,” Dan murmured tugging on Phil’s sleeve to stop him just as the doors to the outside came into view, “I just- this is the first time that I’m going to be going outside without running from someone or going to the hospital. I just need a second.”

Phil twisted his sleeve out of Dan’s grip only to lace their fingers together. Dan looked down at their hands in shock - they fit together so perfectly that it was almost like they had been made for each other. 

“It’s alright Dan, this time is going to be different,” Phil promised, “this time you’re going home.”

“Home,” Dan murmured, “that sounds just about perfect.”

Neither of them brought up the fact that it was really just a temporary home, that they would be moving on from it at some point, that they would end up somewhere far away at some point in the near future. No, they were content to merely enjoy what they had in that moment while they had it. 

They stepped outside together. 

Dan wasn't expecting the torrential downpour of rain that they stepped into, it pelted off every surface and instantly soaked them both causing Dan to laugh gleefully. His hair was plastered to his head, water was running down his face in small rivulets and the wind combined with the wet was chilling him to the bone, but Dan had never felt happier. 

Even as he looked at Phil who was staring at him in amusement and resembling somewhat of a drowned rat, he couldn't help but feel as though he was experiencing more than he had ever before. There was something invigorating about seeing Phil soaked in water, his shirt clinging to him in ways that Dan had never thought possible. Was it weird to stare at his friend that way? Was it strange to notice how the shirt clung to his chest. Was it wrong? 

Dan had once thought that he’d had a pretty good idea of what was right and wrong, but lately his perceptions had been warped and he was no longer sure what to believe. Surely though, something that felt so right could never be wrong, could it?

“What’s so funny?” Dan asked looking at the way Phil was watching him and laughing quietly. 

“You know most people run when they get caught in the rain?” Phil said, “it's cold and wet and inconvenient.”

“Why would we run?” Dan asked, “this is fun!”

“Fun? You have a strange sense of humour Howell,” Phil said shaking his head. 

“I’m enjoying myself, let me be.” Dan said as he turned his chin upwards towards the sky and let the drops of rain beat against his face. It was freeing, it was like the actions of his mother were being washed away and he was letting go of all the pent up anger that he had been holding onto. He hadn't realised that he had been so furious at his mother, sure he had been upset that she had taken so much from him. 

He had felt cheated by her actions and he had wished that something - anything - had been different so that they could have had a better life, so that he could have had a better chance at being happy and  _ normal.  _ He hated how his mother had set him up to be a freak, how she had kept him so isolated that he barely knew how to function in the real world. He had been so angry at her and at the world for allowing it to happen. 

Now though, now he had his freedom, he had Phil, he had a future. Things had changed in the blink of an eye but he had never felt safer than he did at Phil’s side. 

“You’re staring at me.” Dan noticed. 

“Yeah, I am.” Phil admitted simply, not even attempting to deny it, “because I think you look beautiful.”

“You think I-” Dan cocked his head in confusion, “what?”

“I think that Mr Drowned Rat Howell has never looked more stunning.” Phil said. 

“You do?” Dan asked, his heart was racing as he tried to reason out the words that were coming out of Phil’s mouth. He wanted it to mean more than he suspected it did, he wanted it more than anything in the world.

“I do.” Phil said honestly, squeezing Dan’s hand that was still linked in his own.

“Well, you know that I think you're pretty beautiful too.” Dan admitted, his heart in his throat as he confessed the truth that he had never intended to confess. 

“Really?”

“Really, I-” Dan paused, too scared to say the words that could change more than he was ready for. 

“Dan,” Phil said, making Dan shut up and listen, “I didn't want to say this to you in the hospital because I wanted to avoid being a cliche, but here we are standing in the rain and I don't think that this could become any more of a cliche.”

“What could?”

“I love you, I am head over heels for you, Dan.”

Dan’s voice vanished for a moment and he gaped at Phil like a fish trying to find the way to properly express how overjoyed he was to hear that. He wanted to try and tell him that he felt the same, that he was in love with Phil, but he just couldn't. 

Instead he leant forward, pausing for a second to make sure Phil was happy with what he was about to do, Phil gave him a little smile and a nod of encouragement which was all it took for Dan to close the rest of the distance between them.

Phil’s lips were soft against his own chapped ones and if Dan had expected that the day was going to end this way then maybe he would have considered applying some vaseline beforehand. 

Their lips moved together for an unknown length of time, Dan was lost in the feel of Phil’s hand against the back of his neck, usually a sensitive place that he would never let anyone touch but somehow Phil sent a fire coursing through his veins and he couldn't get enough of him. 

He just regretted that he eventually had to pull away so that they could both catch their breath. They were both panting lightly, breath mixing together as they fought back laughter.

“I love you too,” Dan whispered.

They stood there holding onto each other in the pouring rain, passersby maybe thought that they were having some sort of mental break, but Dan knew better. Dan knew that they were finally happier than he had ever thought possible. Maybe this was his reward for putting up with all the shit in his life; finally having Phil to hold in his arms. 

“Everything will be alright,” Phil whispered and Dan believed him, he believed him wholeheartedly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only the epilogue to go!!! it'll be up in approx. 5 hrs as a thank you to all the people on tumblr xoxo
> 
> let me know what you thought please? @philscurls


	14. epilogue

“Dan!” Dan snickered as he heard Phil call his name from somewhere behind him, he would always find the way that Phil elongated the vowel in name when he was whining amusing. 

“Hurry up Lester,” Dan called back as he scrambled up a few more rocks, he had never thought that he would find physical activity tempting but there he was clambering across an uneven surface, his heart pounding with the effort and sweat staining his t-shirt. 

“Dan, I swear to god if you end up falling off this damn cliff and dying then I’ll kill you myself,” Phil threatened. 

“That’s a weak threat coming from someone so far behind,” Dan shouted, before pausing to take a breath as he reached the top of the pile of rocks, he had made it.

He was standing on top of a bunch of rocks at the edge of a cliff that looked out over the deep blue sea that surrounded the Isle of Man, when he breathed in he could almost taste the salt of the ocean on his tongue. 

“You could have waited,” Phil panted as he stepped into place beside Dan, curling an arm around his waist. 

Dan snorted at the comment and let his head fall against Phil’s shoulder, despite the brisk wind that was battering them from every direction, Phil’s cheek was warm against the top of his head. 

“It’s beautiful,” Dan mumbled.

“You say that about every place we go to,” Phil reminded him quietly. 

“They’re all beautiful places,” Dan said, defending himself. 

“Dan we drove passed a dump and you said it was beautiful.” Phil said, his shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter and jostling Dan’s head. 

“Well,” Dan said looking for a way to defend himself because it was true that he had called the rubbish dump beautiful before Phil had informed him of what it was, “there’s a beauty in the things that people throw away?”

“You don't sound so sure about that one,” Phil said. 

“Alright then, maybe I did call everything beautiful  _ at first _ but I’ve grown as a person and I have more sense now.” Dan insisted as he looked out over the sea. 

The sea was wild, harsh waves crashing against each other as though they were fighting for dominance, like there was a battle going on just beneath the surface that Dan was unable to see. It was the raw power of nature and it took his breath away. 

“You’re right,” Phil murmured, “it is beautiful.”

Dan shifted his head off Phil’s shoulder and noticed that he hadn't even been looking at the scene ahead of them, he had been staring at Dan instead. 

“You’re such a sap.” Dan said as he lightly hit Phil’s shoulder before pulling him in closer. 

“You love it.” Phil said.

“I love  _ you _ .”

“Well, that’s a relief otherwise this would have been awkward?” Phil said with a secretive smile that hinted at something that Dan had no clue about but wished he did.

“What would?”

“Um, I-” Phil stammered and his smile disappeared making Dan wonder whether he had been meant to hear that last comment, “bringing you here to, to uh meet my parents.”

Dan accepted his answer, it made sense. Phil’s parents were completely different to anything that Dan could have imagined. In the weeks leading up to their visit Dan had created a picture in his mind of what Mr and Mrs Lester would be like. He had conjured an image of them as faceless evils that somehow had his mother’s personality but the cruel words that they spewed out were in Phil’s voice. Dan had kept it a secret from Phil of course, he couldn't admit how much the idea of ‘meeting the parents’ was screwing with his mind, because then Phil would worry. He would ask himself whether he was even making the right choice to take Dan there and Dan couldn't keep Phil from his family any longer - he had heard the wistfulness in Phil’s voice as he spoke about wishing he could see them more. Dan couldn't be the reason for Phil’s pain. 

So it had come as a complete surprise to Dan when Phil’s mother had released her son from a warm hug only to move on and pull Dan into a one. It was strange, he had tensed up and made to pull away only to hesitate as he realised how much the hug reminded him of Phil. it was warm and secure and for a moment Dan wanted to let himself go and break down in her arms, he had been cheated of  _ this? _ All his life he had thought his mother was loving and caring when in actual fact, he was realising that she had never been like that. His mother had always been so cold and calculating, she would mostly only hug him when he was sick and now he knew that he was only ever sick because of her. It was a confusing cycle of thoughts.

Then there was Phil’s dad who Dan had been unsure what to expect of as he had never known his own dad, it just so happened that he needn’t have worried because Phil’s dad was the sort of guy he always dreamed that his own dad would have been like. Mr Lester was easy going and always had something kind to say about someone, he was filled with years of wisdom gained from parenting two rambunctious boys and his love for them showed in every word. Dan liked him. 

It hadn't been easy though, reaching the stage they were at in their relationship, in fact Dan had been sure that Phil would have broken up with him after he had a meltdown and verbally started lashing out only a few weeks after they had moved in together. They had let go of the tenancy for Phil’s house and moved in with his brother and his girlfriend in London while they waited for the right place to call their forever home. 

Dan couldn't even remember what had started his yelling fit, but before he knew it he was screaming about how it wasn't fair that he had miraculously recovered and how he had been given a get out of jail free card when so many others were trapped in a life with their disorders and had no hope of a rescue.

Phil had tried to reassure him by saying that it wasn't a get out of jail free card if he had never even been ill and that Dan  _ had  _ been a victim of an illness but that illness wasn't SCID, it was his mother’s mental illness. What Phil said made sense to Dan in a way, but that wasn't the point. 

The point was that Dan had spent his entire life hating books and movies that showed a miraculous recovery from disabilities and medical conditions and yet now he was that person, he was the one who suddenly fine and he didn't know how to react to that fact. He wanted to be happy but he felt overwhelmingly guilty that so many people really were ill and wouldn't suddenly be told that they were fine. 

Dan didn't blame Phil because there was no way that he could understand what it felt like to know that your entire life was a lie. The fact he didn't blame him didn't stop him from shouting though, poor Phil became his outlet for all the confusion and hurt that Dan had kept contained inside him while he plastered on a smile and tried to act as though he was thrilled with all the changes in his life. Eventually Dan wore himself and and he found his head resting on Phil’s chest as he held onto Dan tightly.

“You shouldn't be comforting me,” Dan had mumbled hoarsely, even though he would have rather a black hole appeared and swallowed him entirely than raise his head from where it was laying.

“Why not?” Phil asked. 

“Because I shouted at you, I couldn't handle things so I lashed out at you instead, I’m just like my mother.” Dan admitted, terrified that the quiet confession would be the thing that broke Phil’s comforting grip on him. 

“You weren't shouting at me,” Phil said, “you were shouting at the world, at your mum, at the way you’ve been treated. You were frustrated and you haven’t been dealing with things healthily, it was all building up until eventually it came out.”

“Why aren’t you angry with me?” Dan asked. 

“Because I love you,” was Phil’s simple reply, and lifted his head to stare into his eyes and he couldn't detect a single hint of falseness in the statement. 

That had been months and months ago. Dan had, of course, had similar meltdowns since that time but Phil was always there for him, he would whisper sweet nothings and talk Dan through the worst of his emotions. 

“Dan! Dan! Look!” Phil exclaimed, yanking Dan from his thoughts. 

“Huh? What?” Dan asked, looking around frantically for whatever it was that had drawn Phil’s attention. 

“A whale, look there.” Dan followed where Phil was pointing .

“That grey bump in the sea?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, that’s it.” 

“It’s not what I expected,” Dan admitted, “it’s smaller.”

“It’s probably a baby,” Phil agreed. 

“Will it come closer?” Dan wondered aloud, he wanted to see the strange creature up close, he had never seen an actual whale in person before and the documentaries that he had watched had depicted them underwater in their entirety. Dan wanted to get closer.

“I don’t know, I doubt it,” Phil said, “anyway if it got too close then it might get stuck somewhere.”

“I guess,” Dan murmured dejectedly. 

“You’re adorable,” Phil said, looking away from the ocean. 

“You say that everytime we go somewhere.” Dan said. 

“It’s true though, you get this look on your face whenever we go somewhere new and it’s like you’re discovering the meaning of life or something,” Phil said, “you look at the world as though it’s always beautiful. You only see the good in it.”

“Why shouldn't I?”

“That, that right there, that’s what I mean,” Phil said, “remember when we went to play mini golf?”

“Yeah, you kept trying to tell me that I lost,” Dan said with a snort.

“Dan, your score was over four hundred.” Phil said. 

“Yeah and yours was like two hundred so get wrecked.” Dan said. 

“The higher the score, the worse you did,” Phil reminded him, “come on, I know you googled it, you know I’m right.”

“No, that’s rubbish, I’m refusing to accept any of that nonsense.” Dan said stubbornly.

“You were so proud of yourself at the end of that game, you lost four balls in the water but you did it, in the end you finished it.”

“I  _ was  _ proud, it was my first game and I won.” Dan said teasingly. 

“Keep telling yourself that, Howell,” Phil said as he made his way down the rocks and back onto the trail that they had been walking along, he held his hand out for Dan to help him down, “come on, let’s keep going, we need to make it to the highest point of the cliff before it gets dark.”

“We do?” Dan asked, “why?”

“No questions, I promise it’ll be worth it when we get there.” Phil said with a sly grin that did nothing to settle Dan’s curiosity. 

“You’re such a tease,” Dan said as he walked hand in hand with Phil along the worn trail in the grass. 

“Trust me.” 

“You know I always trust you,” Dan said and they walked silently, there was no need for them to say any more. They were both happy and content walking together. 

Once they stopped messing around and pausing every two seconds for Dan to stare at something, they made pretty good time, Dan was feeling nervous at they reached the point Phil had been focusing in, mostly because Phil was acting more and more jumpy as they got closer. 

“Come sit,” Phil said as he left Dan’s side to plonk himself down on the grass so that he could stare at the sun slowly setting over the sea. 

“Phil,” Dan said quietly as he sat beside the older man, “why did you bring me up here?  I can tell it wasn't for the exercise.”

“It wasn't,” Phil agreed turning so that he was facing Dan, “these past few months of my life have been better than I could have ever imagined and I was thinking why that could have been. I was never as happy as this in my previous relationship.”

“The one that made you move across the road from my mother,” Dan said as he remembered that conversation that they’d had one morning at 2am.

“Yeah, and honestly despite all the stuff that she put me through I’m glad she drove me to meet you.” Phil said. 

“I wish you hadn't been hurt but I can’t deny that I’m happy I met you, and I’ll never let you go.”

“I going to hold you to that in a moment,” Phil said with a bright grin.

“Why?”

“Because I love you Daniel Howell, I love waking up next to you every morning, I love the way your laugh takes over any room you're in, I love the way your eyes light up when you’re happy, and I love knowing that in a few years’ time I’ll still be kissing you goodnight.

“I want to be with you, forever, I want people to look at us when we’re in our seventies and ask us what our secret is, how did we manage to last so long? We’ll look at each other, smile, and tell them that it’s all because we love each other.” Phil said and Dan could feel the tears filling his eyes as the passionate words poured out of Phil’s mouth in a tidal wave of emotion. 

“Phil…”

“Dan, I love you so much that it hurts sometimes, and I want to ask you a question,” Phil said as he rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a small box, “will you marry me?”

He opened the box to show an elegant ring nestled in the satin cushion.

“Phil, I-” Dan was so full of emotion that he could barely choke his answer, he grabbed Phil by the collar of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss, he could feel Phil’s hands in his own hair and his heart was racing from the pure happiness that was filling every part of his being, he only managed to pull himself away to breathlessly give Phil the answer they both wanted, “yes.”

It wouldn't be easy, Dan knew that he still had a long way to go to come to terms with the hand that life had dealt him, he knew that his emotional wounds were only just beginning to heal, but he knew that throughout it all he would have Phil and Phil would have him. 

They would be there for each other no matter what.  As Dan watched the sun slowly sink below the horizon - casting an orange glow upon their faces and making Phil look ethereal in the dim light - he could feel it,  as the day came to an end, his life, his future was only just beginning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's over :') i'm feeling strangely emotional now
> 
> come on over to tumblr (@philscurls) and lets celebrate the end of an adventure! i hope you guys have enjoyed being here as much as i have. 
> 
> this fic was based upon the book everything everything by Nicola Yoon, but it's taken on a little spark of it's own. i tried my best to research SCID and bring in the topic of dan's mother's mental disorder. i tried to treat the conditions with as much respect and accuracy as i could and i really hope that comes across. 
> 
> if you're interested in learning more about SCID or supporting some foundations dedicated to the condition then just click [ here](http://www.scid.net/foundations)

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think of the first chapter? Let me know!!
> 
> Come find me on tumblr @philscurls


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